Hi good people of EssayForum, I've been reading several essays and their suggestions and they definitely have helped me write my own.
Now that I have finished mine, I'd like your input.
The advanced field of finance and investment
I realized that this seems a bit long, but the instruction did say that it can be 1-2 sides of A4, but I'd love to hear your opinion on my essay length. Should it be shorter?
Statement of Purpose
Career in finance has been my aspiration since I was little and my undergraduate study in Finance was like fuel to my burning desire for extensive financial knowledge and a successful career in Finance. My two best friends and I would often daydream about having our own investment bank or asset management firm. However, all the financial knowledge that I have obtained during my undergraduate study was simply not sufficient to quench my thirst of deeper financial knowledge, technique, and understanding. That being said, I simply need to learn more.
Whilst my undergraduate degree in Finance should be sufficient that it ensures my ability to succeed in the financial industry, I find it absolutely important to continue my study, to hone my technical financial skills, to obtain specialized knowledge in investment, and ultimately to get the proverbial rocket strapped to the back of my financial career. An investment skills and know-how is particularly important as I plan to get straight into the investment field once I completed my study at Imperial. I am planning and expecting to grow and really thrive in the investment field five years after completing my master while, at the same time, preparing to pursue my MBA.
Imperial's MSc Finance Programme stands out above the rest as it focuses on helping students maximize their career potential in a world-class teaching environment signified by its reputation as the No.1 Masters in Finance programme in UK. Numbers don't lie, Imperial's graduates are very attractive to top employers around the world with 93% employed within 6 months which is a massive appeal for students who wish to really advance their career. This programme is also a great fit for me as it offers a plethora of investment-related core and elective courses such as Investment and Portfolio Management, Derivatives, Behavioral Investment Management and Quantitative Trading Strategies which I seek and. Imperial's rich access to several essential softwares to accompany student's study and research is also an immense advantage over other universities. Finally, the partnership with CFA and CISI and the excellent advisory board line-up will ensure the quality and integrity of this programme.
Immediately after completing my undergraduate degree, I specifically looked for and landed an internship at one of the largest banks in Indonesia, CIMB Niaga. I was positioned at the Strategic & Finance Department and the 2-months internship has definitely sparked my already blazing interest in pursuing career in finance. I worked on several important projects such as CIMB's operational expense daily movement, efficiency-related initiatives, and cost-allocation project. Working at a massive and highly reputable bank taught me the value of being meticulous, honest, and open to work with others. Dealing with data everyday forced me to pay maximum details on every project I was working on as a single mistake in typing, copying, or pasting can undo all the hard work I put. Mistakes, however, are rarely avoidable and being honest with your partners or supervisors about mistakes made are the way to go. That way, all the mistakes made can be fixed immediately. Finally, I learned that it is impossible to succeed without the ability to work with others, be it in teams or as individuals.
During my undergraduate years, I strive to not only excel academically, but beyond that also to shine in extracurricular and organizational activities. I joined a non-governmental organization that aims to promote financial literacy among Indonesian youth called Youth Finance Indonesia. My strong background in Finance allowed me to be their Education and Training Coordinator. I create education materials needed by the organization and conduct internal upgrading to internal members in the form of basic financial and capital market education. I also co-founded a campus-wide organization called UGM Entrepreneur Club that functions as a bowl for up-and-coming student entrepreneurs with growing businesses or innovative ideas. Coordinating colleagues, designing strategies, communicating with other divisions within the organization, these organizational experience helped greatly in developing my leadership and interpersonal skills which, in turn, will help me conduct my study at Imperial.
To further sharpen my financial acumen, I participated in and have been finalists to several major national and international finance-related competitions such as the Indonesia Investment Banking Competition and Indonesia Capital Market Student Studies Conference and Competition. However, one of my biggest achievements was completing my undergraduate thesis titled 'Government Quality and Corporate Cash Holdings in Asia and Oceania' in less than 2 months as I had promised to my parents. Unfortunately, participating in several competitions delayed my thesis work and by the time the competition ended, I only had roughly 2 months to work with. However, with enormous determination, excellent ability to plan, and high enthusiasm for my research topic, I was able to finish my thesis on time and received the grade 'A' to pass without any revision necessary. As cliche as it may sound, at that moment I realized that I can do anything I set my mind to.
To conclude, I bring drive and determination to the table that is already brimming with passion for finance. I bring focus and rigor in my effort to understand the complex and intricate work of finance and investment. I bring high level of enthusiasm, open-mindedness and unique perspective in collaborating with many other bright-minded individuals in your programme. Ultimately, I believe that Imperial's MSc in Finance programme will help me achieve my goal of further financial understanding and career advancement in the field of finance and investment.Arief, when the instruction says that the response can be 1-2 pages of a back to back paper, you should aim to offer only a page and a half for your full response. The reason behind that is that a longer statement will result in either redundant or unrelated topics being discussed just so you can fill out the space. 2 pages is the maximum, but not the target of the developed statement of purpose. So yes, your paper runs too long and can definitely be edited to make it shorter and yet informative. What I suggest you do are as follows:
1. Delete the first paragraph since it does not really immediately offer any information related to the requirements provided. Start the essay with the second paragraph instead. That offers an instant answer to one of the prompt guides so it will really help to keep your essay short but informative.
2. Good work in mentioning your participation in competitions. Those are accomplishments that can help your application. Keeping your promise to your parents to complete your thesis in 2 months, not so much. It is not related to your chosen profession so it should not even be mentioned. Unless of course your thesis was published, in which case, you should highlight that thesis accomplishment.
3. I don't believe that you require the current final paragraph. The essay read as much stronger and delivered a better impact when it ended with your reference to realizing that you can do anything you set your mind to. The next paragraph seemed superfluous already since it stated similar content.
@Chad: Hey Chad, thanks for your input, I'll try to be more concrete on my re-written essay.
@ Vangiespen: Hey V, my current essay (the one you reviewed) is exactly 1 1/2 pages long although I intend to trim it a bit as it looks long and dragging. In regards to your point:
1. Very good advise, I agree that the second paragraph offers more immediate reason/answer to the essay questions.
2. What I want to express with the '2-months statement' is the message that I am able to finish my undergraduate thesis in such short time because of my planning and organization ability, the determination and discipline to stick to that plan and act in a way that allows me to achieve my target. I do agree, however, that 'a promise to parents' is not a strong backstory nor does it relevant. I intend to stick to the '2 months thesis' message but cut the 'promise to parents' backstory. Any advise on how to cut the promise story but still describe the 2-months message?
3. This closing sentence is a response to the usual question of 'what can you offer to this programme' although this question is not in the prompt at all. I do agree with your assessment in regards to 'anything i set my mind to' delivering bigger impact.
Thanks for your advise!
Arief, I hope it's not too late for my insights.
I believe you can still streamline your essay to have focus on it's main purpose and not just fill the space required for the essay.
Presentation wise, looking at the admission staff perspective, you essay is not presented very well, too many short paragraph to make the essay
look longer and bolder but this style doesn't mean the essay is well written, it just give a negative impact that you are counting on spacing your
paragraph in order to make it look like you have a well written essay.
Further to your essay, you have a good idea and you answered to the prompt precisely and elaborately, you had a good chunk of information that draws the admission staff for a careful consideration to your essay and you have to keep this impact in order to earn that spot.
Make sure that as strong as you have written the beginning of your essay should be the same strong paragraph you end your essay with and as mush as I would like to add personal insight at the end of your essay, I believe your final paragraph may not be necessary.
I hope I was able to help.
