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'The Gadget Era' - Graduate Chemical Engineering Fulbright Scholarship Study Objective


hkurn31new 2 / -  
Sep 18, 2015   #1
Hi Guys

I'm applying Graduate Chemical Engineering Fulbright Scholarship and I am an alternate candidate.
I need your help to correct my grammar, writings, words, anything wrong you can get so I can send my essay confidently. Thank You

Study Objective

We are living in the era that we can not be far away from gadget. Laptop, tablet, smartphone, and even other smart wearable gadgets is a must have and a must always ready things for our daily life. Ten years ago I charged my handphone once and I could use it for three days but now sometimes I have to charge my phone three times a day. I also realized that smartphone comes with new features but not with the battery technology. I hope soon there will be innovation could replace this conventional battery. I think the world is waiting for the new invention.That is why I am very interested to continue my study in a master degree in the field of Chemical Engineering in the United States. The concentration within the field is Energy Storage. I want to study the application of graphene as a battery to store energy, how to make a faster charged, higher capacity, light, and cheap battery from graphene.

The electricity demand in Indonesia is increasing and my country is optimizing the usage of renewable energy to supply our electricity. One of the method is using waste and Fuel Cell due to the conventional grid system needs high infrastructure cost and not suitable in rural area. My undergraduate research was about harvesting energy from Microbial Fuel Cell. I tried to get energy on small scale. The result was good but the amount of energy resulted was not enough to supply one house electricity demand. An Indonesian professor in United States collaborates with some researcher and lecturer in Indonesia build a small scale electricity distribution system called DC House that could be the solution for 10 million houses without electricity in Indonesia. This system needs a good battery to store the energy properly. We need better and affordable battery than conventional Lithium Ion. Graphene battery has higher capacity and 77% cheaper. I want to create a better battery and collaborate with them to make the DC House become reality.

Graphene battery will also support the development of electric vehicle and mobile device. Professor Harold Kung from Northwestern University have found a way using graphene to create battery that hold a charge up to 10 times greater and charge 10 times faster than conventional Lithium ion battery. This benefit co uld make the electric vehicle reach farther distance in single charge. It can also reduce the charging time significantly. The demand for battery for home, electric vehicle, and mobile devices is so huge. If Indonesia could take the opportunity to manufacture the graphene battery with affordable price we can create a lot of new jobs to supply that demand. Since graphene is made from carbon, it is biodegradable and environmentally friendly. It can be made from a lot of organic sources. Dr. Suryadi Ismadji from Indonesia has been doing his research to create graphene battery from cassava skin for our national electric car project. My experience on mass scale material production at Asahi Glass Company will give me basic knowledge on studying graphene battery manufacturing.

My undergraduate research topic, Microbial Fuel Cell was rare and not popular yet in Indonesia due to finding the best media, microbe, and membrane was very difficult at that time. Fortunately I got a lot of help and advice from my supervisor to finish that research. I realize the problem of energy is not just about finding new source of energy but also how to store it efficiently. Energy storage is a booming research topic but there are only few people in Indonesia who focus their research in that field. Indonesia still have the opportunity to build strong research ecosystem in energy storage especially on graphene battery.

My future goal is to be a lecturer or researcher in the field of energy storage. I want to learn how to make an innovative product, how to link research and mass production, and how to collaborate on suitable policy for technopreneur to develop graphene battery mass production in Indonesia. With visiting student and short research I want to build connection between my institution and US university. Education in master degree is very important to achieve that goal.. I am sure that United States is leading country on topic I choose. My future study on energy storage will be very beneficial for me to enrich my capability and knowledge to get my dream become reality.

Riyasat 5 / 11  
Sep 18, 2015   #2
We are living in the era that we can not be far away from gadget.We are living in an era, where we cannot be far away from gadget. cannot is a single word.

and a must always ready things for our daily life. Not correct and redundant, just delete this part.
Ten years ago I charged my handphone once and I could use it for three days but now sometimes I have to charge my phone three times a day.

Ten years ago, I could've charged my handphone once and use it for three days. But now sometimes I have to charge my phone three times a day.

I also realized that smartphone comes with new features but not with the battery technology.
Smartphone does come with battery technology. It sounds wrong. It may be doesn't come with Improved or long lasting batteries. Say that.
I hope soon there will be innovation, which could replace this conventional battery.

I want to study the application of graphene as a battery to store energy, how to make a faster charged, higher capacity, light, and cheap battery from graphene.

the parallelism is wrong here.
I want to study the application of graphene as a battery to store energy, increase charging rate, provude higher capacity, make it light, and to reduce price.

Hello, your idea is great and your thoughts flow fluidly and coherently. But there are some flaws. I only pointed out some flaws in your first paragraph. There are also some other grammatical errors in your writing, as well as problematic sentences in the later parts but I don't have time now, my exams are around the corner. I'm an engineering student my self. I suggest you essay checked by some expert and improve it. Or wait for more comprehensive answers here.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 19, 2015   #3
I can help you with your essay. I would like to help you with word choice. I would like to give you a suggestion for your first sentence: "We are living in an era in which we have become accustomed to having our gadgets available."

Here is a suggestion for your second sentence
"Our laptop, tablet, smartphone, and other smart wearable gadgets must always be accessible in our daily life."

I think this sentence should be separated: "Ten years ago, I charged my cellphone once and I could use it for three days. Today, sometimes I sometimes have to charge my phone three times a day." The next sentence you need to state "a smartphone".

This sentence needs a change in word order: "I hope soon there will be there will soon be an invention that could replace this conventional battery."

There are some issues with your use of "a" and "an" in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs:
2nd paragraph: "...on a small scale" Also, the last sentence: "...become a reality".

3rd paragraph:
1st sentence: the electric vehicle and a mobile device
2nd sentence: create a battery
3rd sentence: reach a farther distance in a single charge
5th sentence:The demand for a battery
6th sentence: an affordable price
9th sentence: create a graphene battery."

I have placed some words in bold to help you with word choice as you continue to further your studies. I hope this helps you!


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