Hello! I am currently applying to Peace Corps. As may be obvious from my writing - I am a science major - and I am interested in getting some help/feedback for my Essays. Anything helps!
If you need help with your essays I am more than happy to provide feedback & help, just let me know!
Essay One:
As a soon to be college graduate, I find myself concluding a journey and eager to embrace another. But at the closing of my collegiate career I find myself asking, "what is the purpose of my life" and "how can I bring fulfillment into my life?" In the past I have found answers to these questions volunteering, getting involved, and simply experiencing the world. Opportunities that involve these things bring satisfaction into my life. Searching for this has lead me to Peace Corps and the unique experiences it offers.
In the past, sharing my life with other individuals and communities has given me purpose. My life has been blessed growing up in the Pacific Northwest and I am compelled to contribute to the lives of others. As an assistant soccer coach, I contributed to the development of several grade school soccer players. On the surface, this experience may seem rudimentary, but it had a profound effect on me and the kids. Sharing my knowledge of Soccer (or Futbol)-one of my fortes- involved the organization of soccer practices and managing the team throughout a two month season. This all required careful balancing with my own athletic and scholarly schedule. I saw the enjoyment in the eyes of the kids I coached and saw the effect of my contribution. Coaching was an amazing experience and as much as the kids enjoyed it I did as well. Becoming involved and contributing something is what I am seeking here and I am looking forward to any challenges that will come my way.
Twenty-seven months looks short on paper, but I realize this commitment is longer than anything I have done before. However, that does not phase me one bit. A commitment of this length will be challenging, but I believe I have developed qualities in my life that will aid me in completing this venture. As a science student, a carpenter's son, and an athlete I am accustom to hard work and quite aware that things rarely play out the way we expect them to. I know I have preconceived notions of how the twenty-seven month period will go, but I also realize it will be taxing on my mental and physical self. Such a commitment involves a lot of hard work, but this will make a worthy experience.
My past experiences have helped me prepare for this commitment and the other expectations. I will present myself and the united states appropriately. I know this because I have done this on study abroad in Australia, a home stay in Switzerland, and visits to both France and Canada. It is for these same reasons I would be comfortable living in another culture. Peace Corps has come to represent everything I am looking forward to in my life and I am eager to experience this opportunity.
Essay Two:
During a two week stay in France and Switzerland I improved my confidence speaking French. A six month study abroad in Australia allowed me to integrate more intimately into another culture. Both of these experiences allowed me to develop trust and respect with those of my host country. I believe these experiences will benefit me if I am to become part of Peace Corps.
Experiencing the culture of a foreign speaking country is a rewarding experience. This was my conclusion after a home stay in Switzerland with - much trial and error - I was able to hone my French. Speaking French effectively was essential for me to appreciate the culture of Geneve. Chatting over the dinner table with my Swiss host father and Arabic host mother in French allowed me to build my understanding of their culture. Venturing downtown and appreciating the history of the city would have been impossible not knowing French. This was also the case in figuring out why Swiss drivers swear French drivers cant drive to save their lives. My knowledge of French was an amazing tool to express myself and relate as much as I could to my host family and their country. I greatly built up a confidence for being in a foreign culture and was able to nurture a relationship of respect and trust in the process. I only wish the experience had lasted longer, allowing me to fully integrate into the culture of Switzerland.
During a six month study abroad in Australia I integrated into a culture that now feels like a second home. By living amongst other students from Australia, South East Asia, and Africa I was able to experience bits of many other cultures. On a trip to Uluru and by attending community events of the Kaurna - people native to the Adelaide area - I was able to experience Aboriginal culture. Australia at first appeared to be very Americanized, but by the end of my study period the result of all these cultures resulted in something quite brilliant. From hearing Aboriginal poetry that explained the world in a different way to viewing Anzac day I came to appreciate the culture of Australia. Appreciating what I learned in Australia was only possible with the time I was allowed to integrate into the culture.
These experiences helped me appreciate the value of relationships developed overseas by nurturing trust and respect with my hosts. These relationships have contributed to my confidence in applying to Peace Corps. I believe my past experiences have provided me the means to establish a trusting relationship with members of my host country.
People often use hyphens for this sort of thing:
soon-to-be college graduate, I find ...
When you begin some quoted material, capitalize the first word of the sentence:
But at the closing of my collegiate career I find myself asking, "What is the purpose of my life?" and, "How can I bring fulfillment into my life?" In the...------ see the changes I made there.. I added a comma and a question mark...
My past experiences have helped help me prepare for this commitment and...---I took out words just to have fewer words. Fewer words always improves the essay.
... the other expectations. this part confuses me. I think you can write something better than "the other expectations."
In the second essay, you wrote very clearly and interestingly, but I think you should try to make the first sentence of each paragraph more interesting. If you look at your essay and see paragraphs with first sentences that would be boring on their own, you should try to add a new element to those sentences so that they support the thesis (main idea) in an interesting way.
:-)
