Pls, help me review the first part of my SOP. The deadline is 15th of this month.
The future belongs to those who prepare for it today - Malcolm X
While I was a teenager, I was made to believe that all glasses crack when heated up. My curiosity started when I later discovered that some glasses are made specially to withstand heat during my secondary school education. I started to question myself how and why is this possible? Then, I stumbled across the field of material science and engineering. I realized that without the field of material science and engineering, the world would probably still remain at the stone age. The ages of man from the stone age was categorized based on the advancement of the materials used during that regime. Great thanks to material science and engineering for her achievement in telecommunication, medical, defense, and other sector. But, a lot of problem the world still faced currently is as a result of absence of materials. And according to Malcolm X "the future belong to those that prepare for it today". I believe many material are yet to be discovered and with proper research this could be achieved. It is my greatest desire to pursue a graduate program which has the capability of solve most of the challenges the world currently faced. Energy generation and distribution remain one of the major challenges the world currently faced, we need a device that is capable of converting energy from the sun with high efficiency and minimum or zero energy lose during distribution.
During my secondary school education, I always ranked long the top two student in chemistry, physics and mathematics. This led me to studying Chemical/Petrochemical Engineering at Rivers State University of Science and Technology since there is no university in Nigeria offering course in material science and engineering and chemical engineering has a lot of thing in common with material science and engineering. During my undergraduate education, I was exposed to courses like material science, strength of material, polymer technology, metallurgy, corrosion, thermodynamics, unit operation and several course other course that are material science related. I also had the opportunity to have worked with local blacksmith during my secondary school years where several local metallurgical works like production of cutlass, hoes, sickle etc. are been done. I also had opportunity had the opportunity to work with a friend in his furnace where I some metalwork are been done.
My final year thesis "Modelling of the Fluid Catalytic Cracking Unit Riser Reactor" which involve obtaining the model equation of the riser reactor using the principle of conservation of mass and energy to perform mass and energy balance on the riser reactor. The developed equation is solved using the 4th order Runge-Kutta method and the result is compared with data from the industrial result obtained from Port Harcourt refinery. I received the best undergraduate education in Chemical/Petrochemical Engineering at the Rivers State University of Science and Technology where I was able to graduate in the top 10% of my graduating class with over one hundred students.
During my secondary school and undergraduate education, I constantly participated in extra-curricular activities. I was appointed as the Assistant Head Boy of my secondary school, and this helped in improving my leadership, organizational and interpersonal skills. I was also elected as the welfare secretary of the Yoruba Student Association (YOSA), Rivers State University of Science and Technology Chapter during my undergraduate education.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 The quote from Malcolmm X is not effective in your essay. It does not matter whether it is a stand alone quote at the start or incorporated into the actual statement. It does not work because it does not apply to the discussion being presented. When presenting a statement of purpose, it is important to reflect your own thoughts and ideas rather than that of someone else. After all, you are the one applying for admission, not Malcolm X. Impress the reviewer with your mindset and ideologies instead.
Your first part lacks a clear reference to the development of your interest in material science and engineering. When and how did this interest begin to develop for you? Why were you first fascinated by the idea of heated glass? What kind of experience did you have in dealing with heated glass at that moment that made you connect it to the idea that it can be used as a an alternative energy source distributor? What is the purpose of your studies? There is too much information this early on in the essay that needs to be given a better focus in order to become more relevant to your application. Try to respond to these 5 basic questions first ok?
1. What is your current profession? How does this profession relate to your interest in material science and engineering?
2. What work difficulties have motivated you to seek increased training in this field?
3. How did your college education prepare you for these masters degree studies?
4. Explain why you believe you can make a difference in the field of material science and engineering.
5. How will this university be able to help you achieve your purpose in this field?
These are the basic information that need to be properly represented in your essay. Based upon your response to these questions, we will then either increase or decrease the attention on the response that you developed. We may also alter certain content based upon the slant that the statement of purpose is supposed to take.
These questions are designed to create a general statement of purpose essay. Double check with the university first and make sure that they do not have any specific SOP prompt requirements which you may need to either incorporate or use as the basis for your revised sop essay.
@Holt
Thanks for your review, I have written on another research area. Pls kindly review this for me.
The world is advancing at an astronomical rate. The major challenge facing the further advancement of technology is the lack of necessary materials for further development. The only way to solve the problem of lack of materials is to alter and improve the materials that is currently at our disposal. One of the major challenges facing material science and engineering that require immediate attention is the development of material suitable for the production of artificial organs for replacement of the fault organs in human. One of such problem is artificial kidney and the only available solution for the failed kidney is dialysis. Experts predicted that the need for dialysis is on the increase as the prevalence of diabetes which is the main causes of kidney failure is on the increase. Kidney donation has been the other of the day and it is high time an artificial kidney and that of other organs is developed so as to reduce the dependency on donation of kidney from people. The major problem currently faced in the development of artificial kidney is the development of material that will have no negative reaction with blood.. Little is currently known about the blood/surface interaction and for us to achieve these great result, we need to create a material that is compatible with blood that has no negative blood/surface interaction.
My desire to delve into material science and engineering started in 2009 when the late president of Nigeria Musa Yar'Adua was diagnosed with pericarditis, rumor have it that they were searching for kidney donor. I was surprised that despite fact that he was rich and at the same time the president of my country, no artificial kidney could be used for him. After his death, selling of kidney became the new trend among the Nigerian youths. This led me to asking a question "why is artificial kidney not developed"? This motivated me to pursue masters degree in material science and engineering so as to research develop material that is compatible with blood and has good blood/surface interaction.
During my secondary school years, I was among the best students in mathematics, physics and chemistry. My interest in those subjects led me to choosing Chemical Engineering as my undergraduate major (since there is no university in Nigeria offering a bachelor degree in material science and engineering) and chemical engineering is one of the major courses that is interwoven with material science and engineering. During my undergraduate years, I was exposed to various courses like strength of material, material science, polymer technology, metallurgy, corrosion, unit operation and several other courses that exposed me to the properties, structure and behavior different materials. My final year thesis "Modelling of the Fluid Catalytic Cracking Unit Riser Reactor" which involve obtaining the model equation of the riser reactor using the principle of conservation of mass and energy to perform mass and energy balance on the riser reactor. The developed equation is solved using the 4th order Runge-Kutta method and the result is compared with data from the industrial result obtained from Port Harcourt refinery. This deepen my knowledge on modelling and simulation. I received the best undergraduate education in Chemical/Petrochemical Engineering at the Rivers State University of Science and Technology where I was able to graduate in the top 10% of my graduating class with over one hundred students.
During my secondary school and undergraduate education, I constantly participated in extra-curricular activities. I was appointed as the Assistant Head Boy of my secondary school, and this helped in improving my leadership, organizational and interpersonal skills. I was also elected as the welfare secretary of the Yoruba Student Association (YOSA), Rivers State University of Science and Technology Chapter during my undergraduate education.
After my undergraduate years, I was opportune to teach physics and basic technology at WOPREM College, Ijesha and Community Secondary School, Ayamasa which further broaden my knowledge of physics while impacting knowledge on future scientists and engineers. My relationship with the students gave me the opportunity to also advance my knowledge in the field of biology because I was involved in most of their biology practical activities. Obtaining my masters degree in material science and engineering with the possibility of furthering my education to PhD level, will boost my long time desire to develop a biomaterial that is suitable for production of artificial organs for the well-being of human race.
Currently, there is no University offering a masters degree course in material science and engineering with adequate facilities and research opportunities in Nigeria. As a nation with several Engineering miracles, China is the best destination for me to further my education, she is also the fastest developing nation both scientifically and economically. China has intensify the effort to improve infrastructure in all Africa nations, which also include medical services. This motivated me a lot since China is the best friend of Africa nations and studying in China will also facilitate my desire to learn and know more about the Chinese language and culture. It would be a great opportunity for me to learn material science and engineering - a rapidly evolving field with a lot of research opportunities, at XXX an extremely distinguished Institute with state-of-the-art facilities, filled with high quality academic and research activities. I believe the program offered will help me acquire the versatility needed to reach my full potential as an engineer. It would therefore, be a great privilege to secure admission to pursue graduate studies, with adequate financial assistance at XXX. I am confident that I will have no problem coping with the challenging academic activities set by the university.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 4780 Saubana, there are a few things that you can still do to improve this essay. The first, is to remove your opening statement. It is nothing but a lecture in Material Science and Engineering. The real information regarding your motivation comes in the current second paragraph. That is why you should open with the second paragraph instead. After that, delete the 4th paragraph as well. It is just a talk about non-related extra curricular activities so it doesn't serve an actual purpose in the essay .Remember, all of the information you provide must link back to your motivation or interest in Material Science and Engineering. The development of your interest and the activities that helped you hone your skills in this field or related fields are of the utmost importance. Your final paragraph should not only explain why you have chosen to study the MS in China, but also indicate a choice of university and why you feel that this university will be the best place to hone your academic skills.
This is my final free advice. For additional editing or reviews, please contact me for private help using the link above or file an "Urgent" order request. Thank you.
