Please provide any constructive criticism and/or feedback on my essay. I really appreciate your time in reading this.
Which personal characteristics and motivating factors have led you to pursue the profession of physical therapy?
Which personal characteristics and motivating factors have led you to pursue the profession of physical therapy?
Back in high school, working with computers was my greatest passion. I was given the opportunity to fix computers around campus and I eventually became the unofficial computer technician. I loved what I done because I made a lot of people happy fixing their computers for free. At first I wanted to pursue my career in computer science. But as I got older, I couldn't imagine myself working at a small computer shop for the rest of my life. I wanted to do something different and challenge myself further. When I took anatomy and physiology for the first time, I became interested in the medical field. Somehow, physical therapy stood out from the rest. What I liked about physical therapy was how it helped patients recover from their injuries without the use of medication. Since then, I devoted most of my time volunteering and learning everything about physical therapy so that I can become a physical therapist myself.
Volunteering at my local hospital was my first experience with physical therapy. I could only observe how the physical therapists treated their patients. I noticed that their line of work can be challenging, especially the patients that were diagnosed with dementia. Still, the therapists were kind, calm, and enthusiastic for them to get better. I really admired the therapists' dedication to their job and the difficulties they had to deal with at the hospital.
After volunteering at the hospital, I furthered my experiences by working at an outpatient clinic. I met a lot of new patients and helped assist them with their exercise program. I had no problems working with any of the patients except for one person was a stroke patient. He lost most of his sensory and motor control on the left side of his body. It was tough to work with him at first since he couldn't speak English. Whenever he complained of being in pain; he would mimic the flow of tears by repeatedly placing his right hand over his eyes and dropping it down to his chin. We continued his treatment as planned using extra caution. As the treatment progressed, he gradually showed signs of improvement with his range of motion on his left arm. I was very happy knowing that there was still hope for him to recover. But I have never been emotionally moved by a patient like him before. His expression of pain had nearly brought tears to my eyes because I could just imagine what he was going through at the time.
In the end, I believe that it takes a lot of dedication and passion to become a physical therapist. When I become a physical therapist, I will be determined to help every patient I meet no matter what their cause is. Even if I can't communicate with some of the patients properly, I would help them out every way I can. I personally want to see them get better, able to walk again, or improve their mobility. Just seeing them with a smile on their face would make me happy because I know that I have made a positive impact with their lives. Although these patients can't depend on physical therapist all the time, I want to help them become more independent. I would offer them advice on starting their own exercise regime and self treatments they can do at home. I am really excited to see what the future holds for me as I work my way into becoming a physical therapist.
Character limit: 4,500
Maintain consistency of verb tenses (avoid past-present shifts)
Better cohesive devices
Better organization
Use a comma:
I've been taking classes that had no meaning to me, and most of the time I didn't do so well.
Actually, I really don't like this hating on yourself at the start... wondering if it is necessary.
Hmm... the focus of the essay is not on the issue of doing poorly in the past... so I don't think that negative part at the beginning is helpful or necessary. You can acknowledge low grades from your past, but do it briefly in passing. Do not introduce the essay that way! :-)
It was wasn't until I took an...
It is great to express this idea that you found your intellectual passion in anatomy. That makes this essay meaningful.
...want to see them to get better, have them walk again or at least improve their mobility.
:-)
Hi Daniel!
A couple of things I can bring to your attention:
1. See if you can just go ahead and eliminate the discussion about computers in the first part of the essay. Just go right into the fact that you want to study to be a physical therapist.
2. I like you essay! It is somewhat of a heart-felt essay, especially when you start discussing the patient with the stroke. You are going to find that there are ways of communicating with these patients without a major problem; in fact, some of them can sing!
3. I made some corrections for you below. You might want to consider re-working the essay (esp. with respect to what I said above in number 1). You might find that it works better when you re-write your own essay! Give it a try.
Mark :)
Volunteering at my local hospital was my first experience with physical therapy. I could only
observe how the physical therapists treated their patients.
Try this instead: Volunteering at the local hospital was my first experience with the physical therapy field, although I could only observe how the physical therapist treated their patients.
I noticed that their line of work can be challenging, especially thewith patients that were diagnosed with dementia.
It was tough to work with him at first sincebecause he couldn't speak English.
--> Be careful when using the word, "since," which is a measurement of time. Use other words in its place.
Whenever he complained of being in pain; he would mimic the flow of tears by repeatedly placing his right hand over his eyes and dropping it down to his chin
--> Change the semi-colon to the comma in this sentence.
Daniel i beleive your work is great, however, it is always best to let family members read your papers and give you feedback because they are the most who now you. Also make sure to skim through it a couple of times and focus on building a paper with a tone to it.
