Please suggest on what should be done to make this essay better : tell a story from your life that demonstrates your character or helped shape it.
I still have to conclude though but anyway please please suggest any thing that is required
Answer:
During an interview a question was "how do you justify you are better than that guy who has a better GPA?" "Well, I must admit that my experiences are my guiding principles here. I might not have a better 'gpa' than him but the efficiency with which I can perform what I learnt (and which is shown by the gpa) will certainly be better than his".
It is fascinating to look into how a high school study influences a person's life. My high school study, which as I perceive was not up to the standards. The quality of the teachers was not good enough. The fact that my school was a small one in a city which had a myriad of other 'big' schools did not help either, there was not much competition in my school. I was the one who was 'really' interested in academics.
The transition phase, to the somewhat 'big' 11th and 12th class study was the critical phase in my life. I was enthusiastic about facing real competition. However, I was a diffident personality with thoughts being that my new friends, being from a more 'famous' and well-structured pattern of high school study were more intelligent than me. I was not able to cope myself and accustom to the new study pattern, which others found easy to follow. Eventually my grades declined and I was finding it really difficult to keep up with them. To exacerbate my situation, I had an attack of chicken pox that really knocked any chances to revise and reinforce my knowledge during summer, let alone the classes I missed during that period. Being determined to prove a point, I started to work harder and concentrate more on my weak areas. I stopped worrying about others (whom I perceived as relatively 'better') as I had nothing to loose. Sounding more confident and trusting my effort helped a lot, my grades improved and I was consistently performing better in the weekly tests. This though did not put me on top but nevertheless put me in their 'category'.
In B.tech first year though, the old story repeated again. I was completely in a different environment where students came from various parts of nation and whom, I thought were better than me since their 'rank' was better. I was somewhat skeptical about myself and attempted to follow them. My grades were down once more. It was not until my mother pointed out that I had faced a similar situation before, that I reworked my thinking again. I made a thorough and meticulous re-examination of my intermediate level of education. I was always in a bid to emulate others rather than exemplify. I discovered that no one is perfect. It came to my mind that success hinges on how best a person can do with what he has. This was what I did in my 12th but never realized it. Now it was time to put the bad things aside and concentrate on what I can achieve. In the past I felt inferior to clarify my doubts (which I thought were silly and senseless). I made up myself to approach a situation in a way which best suits me. I always knew that I had one good quality- a cool head under pressure, which is essential so as to not mess things up. Sometimes I felt that had my high school study been better, it would result in a better performance. On the contrary, my experiences proved otherwise; a confident and willingness to do things coupled with hard work and will power dictate the terms. But that was not enough. I got a glimpse of my old days while watching school students near my college. I was always more than willing to give any advice and suggestions to them as I wanted them not to be in a similar situation as was the case with me.
Hello,
This essay has quite a few flaws. First, you violate the cardinal rules of never talking bad about a former school or past teachers. Then you have a few excuses about why your grades at one point were bad-----not too bad as you recovered. However, you then talk about how your grades dipped again and for no real reason. Why would you want this to be your personal statement? The only thing that the admissions office will learn from this essay is that you have a ton of excuses. The university that you are applying to is not overly selective, so instead of pointing out your past failures and and showing that you are a master of excuses, use this essay to show strength. Minimize the excuses. Talk about challenges in other non-academic parts of your life. How did you resolve these and how are you a better person now and hopefully going forward? The admissions officers will see your grades, no need to specifically point this out to them via the personal statement. Use this statement to show maturity and only highlight positive aspects of your character. ------ Admissions Advice Online
Hope this helps.
