I was wondering whether you could provide me with some feedback on my draft? I would really appreciate some friendly advice as to how I may improve my work! My personal statement should ideally be about one page long. As this draft is close to 1,5 pages, could you be so kind as to advice me on which section would be best to cut/alter?
Thank you in advance!
Personal Statement - MSc Business Analytics
In the second year of my undergraduate degree, I read a book by Blank University lecturer John Doe titled "Digital Business". The book covered topics such as machine learning and big data, and how these may be applied to business. The examples in the book were plentiful and vividly explained, going into great detail as to how big data might help us construct more accurate predictions of future revenues and costs. As a student of economics and business, having been trained to make decisions based on the degree of certainty in our predictions, I found this premise captivating.
I started reading more about business analytics and was quickly enthralled by the apparent multitude of potential applications. From predicting next year's sales, to forecasting the spread of Ebola, the tools of business analytics could provide powerful insight into seemingly every subject. I found it fascinating how strings of data, which may individually seem so irrelevant to the big picture, can be aggregated to form conclusions about the problem at hand, and may act as a "window to the future". The potential of technologies like artificial intelligence, machine learning and big data, baffles my mind. In this day and age, where data is becoming ever more abundant, there is no degree I would rather pursue than a MSc in Business Analytics.
Even though business analytics is a field with powerful tools at its disposal, the output of the software will still only be 0s and 1s. In order to actually create value from this information, it is vital to have people with the skillset to interpret the information and choose the best action as a response to their findings. Coming from a business background, I've consistently been tested in my abilities to make the optimal decisions based on the available information. From the course "Decision Modelling and Analysis", I've formed a solid theoretical framework for making optimal choices. Through regular class exercises, I've grown accustomed to applying this theory to real-world cases, were our group were consistently among the top performers.
Throughout my undergraduate degree, I've been exposed to a wide range of quantitative subjects. In addition to rendering me capable of solving a vast array of different mathematical problems, it has altered my approach to problem solving. I've now mastered the ability to "break down" the problem, working in a more systematic manner and seeing connections in the data sets. This has made me a keen problem solver, evident from my score on the Integrated Reasoning-section of the GMAT. Furthermore, I've received praise for my abilities from my math professors and have achieved the highest possible marks across all quantitative subjects.
During my time at Blank Bank, I was often met by a large crowd of clients all in need of immediate assistance. As our branch office was severely understaffed, I oftentimes had to handle their inquiries all alone. This meant that I had to process each client efficiently, as any delays would result in the forming of queues and agitate the crowd. Through extensive interaction with these clients, I have gained the ability of communicating in an effective and concise manner. Additionally, my communication skills have become strengthened by my active participation in class discussions, where I've often had to explain my take on complex matters.
As many of the subjects at Blank University encompasses various group projects, I've got solid experience working in teams. As the teammates were often randomly assigned, I've become accustomed to working with people with whom I've had no prior connection to. Usually assuming the role of team leader, I've learned how to bring out the strengths of each individual and to create a good working environment within the group. This is evident from my work in the course "Trading and Market Microstructure", where our group had to work together under hectic circumstances to solve trading challenges in a simulated market. Through good communication and organizing, our group was the top performer in every exercise.
I think the MSc of Business Analytics at XYZ University offers the ideal balance between theory and practical application. As a lot of my subjects this far has been quite theoretical, I find it intriguing to be studying with a more practical application in mind. Furthermore, as the courses are often directly related to business problems, I will be better prepared for the challenges of the corporate world. The location of the college, in addition to its close ties to industry leading companies, would be of great value to a young professional seeking to establish himself within the industry. I especially am fond of the Capstone Project, where I would get to test my skills to real problems and form connections with leading businesses. Moreover, the electives "Advanced Machine Learning" and "Big Data in Finance" is particularly appealing to me, as these reflects some of my strongest interests for the field.
With the combination of my business skills and the experiences and teachings from XYZ University, I would be highly prepared for the challenges of the business world. Furthermore, I would be better able to achieve my career goal of eventually becoming a managing partner at a leading consultancy.
Jørgen, your personal statement has been nicely written as it shows the admissions tutors how the course will link your past and future, imply your academic and non-academic skills and highlight why you've chosen this course/institution. But, it is too long. The optimal length of PS should be around 250 - 500 words at max. here you considerably exceeded 800 words. So, try to be more direct to the point, use less complex sentence structure, talk less about the evolution of Big Data and more about your professional goals after this course.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,250 4653
Jorgen, when considering what the content of a personal statement should be, a reviewer will find that this essay does not follow the developmental requirements of the information. The reason why this essay is running too long is simply because you are not focusing your writing on the representation of the development of your interest in the field of Business Analytics and why the university you have chosen aligns with your educational considerations. More of the information in this essay should be presented in the statement of purpose. Only a few paragraphs actually belong in the personal statement. The paragraphs that should be used for the personal statement are: 4, 1,2,3,7. In that specific order of presentation in a revised paragraph form. That is all of the information that will comprise the personal statement as it represents the development of your interest in Business Analytics. Everything else, should be the premise of your statement of purpose.