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"an incoming generation of innovative leaders in financial industry"; MIT Sloan 'experiences' essay


doutiantian 3 / 12 8  
Dec 24, 2015   #1
The task is to draw upon experiences which have occurred in the past three years. MIT Sloan essay

Guys, here is my first draft, I am not sure if I meet its requirement. Any comment or recommendation is highly appreciated! I need you guys opinion on the content and use of words. Thanks!

In the short run, I would like to start from a Financial Service Manager in a branch of a world-class commercial bank in order to gain a foothold in business community. While in the long run, I want to be promoted to the president of that branch. Should my short term goal not work out, I would go to a domestic commercial bank. This career plan squares with my passion and my forte and I am ready to explore my own potential towards that end.

As a senior from a top university in China, having spent three years studying International Economics and Trade, I managed to furnish myself with fundamental theories and principles of financial market. In addition, I seized every opportunity to participate in applied learning projects. For instance, I once led a team of six members to conduct a research "An Analysis of the Current Community Banks in China" in National Challenge for College Students. As a team leader, I allocated tasks according to their strengths and supervised overall progress of our research and made adjustments when necessary. Under my leadership, we analyzed the status of community banks, and the public's opinions on the community banks through different sources and made suggestion for the development of the community banks in China in the context of the commercial banks taking dominant role. We completed a 50-page research report and ranked top 20 among the 200 competing teams. This experience really boosted my interest in banking. Therefore, I wanted to accumulate professional industry experiences through conducting internships in banks.

In the summer of 2014, I took up a role as an intern analyst in Corporate Banking Department of China CITIC Bank, a perfect platform to further sharpen my competitiveness. I was entrusted with an assortment of tasks, ranging from on-site investigation of the client companies' mortgage, analysis of client companies' financial statements to compiling credit investigation reports. I learned the methods of credit analysis, industry analysis, as well as how to communicate with financial professional staff. I not only improved my analytical ability but also enhanced my professional maturity.

Later on, I went to China Merchants Bank, a prominent domestic commercial bank, to work as an assistant to the Financial Service Manager. Through conducting face-to-face interviews with VIP clients, I discovered their financing needs and introduced suitable financial products to them, in the process of which my interpersonal skills were further improved. Also, engaged in dealing with complaints, I enhanced my capability in tackling difficult situations. For example, one client appreciated my concise explanation and sincere attitude and his misunderstanding of the calculation methods of his monthly credit card bill was dispelled, in the process of which my problem-solving ability was greatly enhanced.

To summarize, my leadership skills and communication skills is consistent with MIT mission of "an incoming generation of innovative leaders in financial industry". In addition, I have obtained experience in personal banking, from which I will share my insights into the Chinese financial industry. To improve my competitiveness in the future job market, I still need a systematic training in finance, especially corporate finance. Studying in the U.S. is such a good opportunity to gain acquaintance with different cultures and to experience the most dynamic financial market, which will provide me with crucial insights about life and career. The MF in program at MIT Sloan attracts me most because of its world-class faculty, innovative curriculum, and abundant academic opportunities. Furthering my study under the guidance of our distinguished faculty who has both abundant industry experience and academic accomplishment will enable me to absorb the invaluable hands-on business acumen and expand my personal connections. The multiple electives incorporated in your curriculum will provide me with flexibility to choose what I like and what I need for my future career development. For instance, I may choose electives in Capital Markets, and Corporate Finance to support the realization of my short-term and long-term goals. In addition, the opportunity to be onsite at a financial firm during your one-month Finance Research Practicum or engaged in a Pro-seminar with finance industry experts will significantly strengthen my capability in gaining valuable internships and future job-hunting. I believe that after accomplishing my graduate study in your school, my leadership potential will be fully developed, laying a solid foundation for my business leader career in the long run.

Ssakshijain 28 / 146 87  
Dec 24, 2015   #2
Hi doutiantian

Very well written , just a minor correction from my side:

Under my leadership, we analyzed the status of community banks, and the public's opinions on the community banks through different sources and made suggestion for the development of the community banks in China in the context of the commercial banks taking dominant role.

However, I think this sentence is too long to understand and you can edit it much better, words are repetitive too. Try not to repeat the words.

Merry Christmas :)
OP doutiantian 3 / 12 8  
Dec 25, 2015   #3
community banks

Merry christmas!
Thank you
I am sorry, I could not get your points. Is there questions about community banks?
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Dec 27, 2015   #4
Siyou, I suggest that you speak of your long and short term goals in a manner of years instead of just simply inferring that you are talking about a short or long term goal. It is always most helpful for the reviewer to see that you have an actual career plan usually covering 3-5 years for short term goals and 10-20 years for the long term plans. Also, it doesn't hurt to refer to a Plan A and Plan B for your career goals as you have presented in this essay. I suggest that you keep that reference for the benefit of the reviewer.

While the essay responds to most of the prompt requirements, I suggest that you shorten the reference to your past academic experiences in order to offer space for the discussion as to how Simon business School Program is one that is a good choice for your academic studies. Normally, you are expected to discuss how the university can help you achieve your short and long term career goals in response to that part of the prompt. Pay attention to any specific internships, exchange student, or relevant training programs that they offer which have caught your attention and mention why you would be interested to participate in those educational undertakings as a student.


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