One of the ways you can get feedback quicker is to help out others who have posted their essays on the forum.
Some suggestions on your essay:
churned out inch perfect cars with seamless perfection.
I think you are using the word "perfect" here a bit too much. Using it in the same sentence and practically side-by-side is probably not a great idea. Maybe you can substitute inch "perfect" with another word?
What was most appealing was the integration of such diverse business functions and systems for a common objective- a quality product.
What I found to be most appealing...
My curriculum equipped me with diverse, yet essential concepts of manufacturing such as engineering design, production
comma after "such as"
As the secretary of the IIPE student chapter I was
Comma after "chapter"
Here I was able to apply higher IE concepts of value
Comma after "here"
Shingeo Sheigo This learning of deriving
Need "." b/w Sheigo and This.
This sabbatical also allowed me further my innate passion for music by learning to play the Sitar and also the German language.
allowed me TO further...also, im pretty sure you didn't learn to play the German language :)...sentence sounds a little out of sorts...maybe: "play the sitar and persue a long time interest in studying German"
Regarding SOP vs. Personal Statement question:
SOP is usually a little less "personal"...i think your current one is actually a pretty good representation of what a statement of purpose should look like. It should concentrate more on your academic achievements/relevent practical experience and goals for the future.
Personal Statement is designed to give the admissions commitee a chance to get to know YOU - the person behind the list of achievements...its through the Personal statement that you can allow your personality to really shine.
Other than the significant academic contributions, what unique perspectives, life experiences etc. will you also bring to their program?
Hope this helps.
Good Luck and please read over other people's essays!