pursuing Master's degree at River Thompson university
I am writing to you to express my interest to take up graduate studies in your department. I have a rich four year working experience in the business management field. More than that, after much contemplation, I have decided it is time for new challenges, I have been aspiring to pursue a Master's degree in Business Administration at River Thompson university. I believe that pursuing the MBA courses in your university will enhance my earlier skills and provide me more academic knowledge to achieve my future goal.
As a necessary foundation for my prospective MBA program, I completed my Associate Degree and Bachelor degree in Business Administration in 2013. During college time, I acted as a student leader and volunteered in other activities including working as a Sweedish Hospital Sale Executive and GED tutor at Edmonds Community College. Since graduated, I had been working at Clayton Kendrick Inc., an distributor of Amazon company, as an operation executive. After that, from 2014 to 2016, I became a store manager at Highlands Coffee Joint Stock Company, which being responsible for leading all team members in the efficient and profitable operation of a Highlands Coffee store. In 2017, I confidently established and started running a fashion retail brand in Vietnam. During last year, I have derived much pleasure of successful management in ensuring the smooth operation of my team while building strong relationship with customers and suplliers.
Now, after succeeding in open the first clothing store, I have been asking myself what I would like to be in ten years. I truly want not only owning a single fashion store but also creating a clothing chain accross my country. I am passionate in developing my career path upon the success and fulfillment of my first foundation; therefore, I have chosen to pursue a master degree in business administration. I strongly believe that graduated academic will fulfill the business knowledge and skills that I still lack of.
On the other side, Thompson River University really attract me because your school offer the unique teaching style which focuses on group research and small-class education whereby students are allowed to collaborate with senior professors to undertake various interesting projects. I believe that this highly interactive and competitive educational model will be very appropriate for me in that it can fully draw out my potential in business management and lay a firm foundation for me to become a business management elite in Vietnam. Beside that, doing project with international students from around the world will give me a view about global business base on different strategy and culture.
A I mentioned above, both my academic and professional accomplishments confirm that I will be a hard working student at River Thompson University. With an exceptionally strong background in business processes and administration, I will require minimum oversight and will be able to provide the maximum output as far as exams and projects are concerned.
Thank you for your considering my application. It would be an honor to continue my studies and pursue my passion at River Thompson University.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,552 3449
Tuyen, your opening paragraph is weak. It does not really catch the attention of the reviewer. The reason it does impress the reviewer is because there is no real information presented in the paragraph and there no hook that tends to indicate an interesting series of paragraphs are to follow. My suggestion, is that you better develop the second paragraph presentation by giving a simple nod to your academic interests in relation to a summarized version of your bachelor degree information. Remember, you are writing a letter of intent, not a personal statement so the educational autobiography is not necessary. You may however, discuss that in detail within the statement of purpose, if required to do so.
Your passion for business and is clear and your professional goals are spelled out for the reviewer. However, your academic goals, which are part of the reason for your desire to have a higher academic profile, is missing from the presentation. Just as you are professionally motivated to study, you must also be academically interested in further developing a specific skill of yours in relation to your profession. Explain what that is to cover the academic side of your motivation.
Your description of Thompson River University is too vague. You obviously just got the information from the website and worked it into the essay. You need to do more research about the university. Be specific about the training possibilities and academic highlights of your masters course that further motivated you to choose the university. That way the reviewer knows that you chose their university as your first choice university.
The last paragraph is superfluous to the discussion and can be deleted without affecting the overall presentation of the essay. The changes I am suggesting should be more than enough to improve the content presentation.