I am having an incredibly hard time writing this essay. I figure it would be a good idea to have people who have never met me read this essay so that I may have a fresh, honest opinion regarding both its grammar and content. I appreciate any help and thank you for your time in advance. This is my first draft.
My first year out of high school was spent in a university that was a three hour drive away from my home. I had spoken of that moment for many years. I was convinced that the only way I would ever be happy would be to spend my life as far away from home as possible. Neither of my parents believed I would last a month. I proved them wrong, however, and lasted the whole year. Music had never been my first choice but because I was good at playing the viola, because the school offered me a scholarship, and because I was desperate to leave the "valley" I did not even think twice about taking the offer. Being completely alone posed somewhat of a problem and my timidity did not help matters much. I imagine it was this and the fact that I had no one to supervise me that I let my studies take a turn for the worse. I failed a class for the first time in my life and ended up losing one of my other scholarships for it. I did a re-evaluation of what I was doing with my life and decided that perhaps I was not as interested in studying music as I was in playing the instrument. I also decided that I was not as ready to leave home as I thought I was. In the end I did not feel defeated; it felt more like I had learned something. It took two semesters away from home for me to realize that what I needed was not a change of scenery but to learn a little bit of patience. This patience has allowed me to appreciate my home and has given me time to think about what it is I really want to do with my life.
I am not lying when I say that I wanted to be an archaeologist ever since I was a little girl. It was a romantic notion I think, rather than a well informed one. It was the idea of the secrets in the pyramids, the mummies, and the hieroglyphics that always captivated me but it was my ignorance which kept me away. I am not sure why but before I was at UTPA I had absolutely no idea about what anthropology was. It was due to this small fact that I never considered it as a major and why it took me so long to sign up for it. The moment I saw it, realized what it was, and that it was offered at the school I was attending I signed up for three classes and never looked back. I resolved to raise my grades after that, and if not in my core curriculum classes, I knew that in anthropology I would never get one C; and I didn't. My last three years at university not only helped me prove to myself that I was a good student but that I could do anything I set my mind to. It was then that I learned how to have real confidence in the things that I could do.
I both thank and blame this confidence for the few big things I was able to do with my life during the years following my return home. As it turns out I was right in thinking all I needed was time. During the fall of 2009 I left to Bordeaux, France as part of a language studies program offered by the foreign university. With this trip I killed 3 birds (not real birds) with one flight. I learned a new language, visited three European countries, and earned the hours I needed for my minor. I was given a free room there by my French professor's friend by babysitting her two young children. The toughest part about this job was learning how to communicate with the boys using my lousy French and their broken English. We managed, however, and my biggest task after that was getting them both to bed at the time their mom had assigned. The best part of my whole stay in France had nothing to do with the sights or the classes, though these were quite stimulating. It was the friendships I developed there which made me realize what I was missing by never leaving my comfort zone. Being in school, in a place where I did not have my usual comforts at my disposal forced me to find a way to survive without falling back into the same depression I had experienced my first time out of home. I felt a cold I was not used to, witnessed a culture with an education system totally different from my own, yet somehow I managed to come out of it with fun stories, amazing friends, and the realization that education is the gate through which I need to pass in order to make these occurrences a part of my everyday life.
All of this explains why I want to further my education in archaeology, but the reason I am interested in making this school the next step in my life is because it offers me the opportunity to study the subject of my own choosing. I want to know the past relationship between nature and human beings. I want to be able to decipher what type of life a human led not only using the natural surroundings but the human being as well. I would like to focus on the traces of everyday life present on the skeleton and how it can be used to figure out human beings on a more individual level. I want to know the type of pain or discomfort they might have felt and what they did to fight it. I want to find out if it is possible to determine the type of traditions which would have been used to cope, or not, with their ailing health. For this I would need the help of professors who are experts in their fields, the resources provided for research by a university such as this, and the fact that I would be allowed individual research in a topic of my choice.
I feel that my previous experiences make me a qualified candidate for this program because they have given me the skills necessary to be a strong student. They have allowed me a clearer idea of what it is I want to do, of what I can do, and of the fact that I am capable of overcoming any obstacle. Everything I have gone through has been instrumental in making me the person I am today. I am smart, dedicated, strong, and looking forward to having an opportunity of proving this to you.
Hello Kimberly,
Your Letter of Intent is written in such an awkward way that most admissions officers will have a hard time reading it. It reads more like a plea for forgiveness for your bad grades than a statement of intent. The opening is not good and does not draw the reader in. A more appropriate opening would be for you to talk about your love for pyramids and the like. Admissions officers will NOT look at your application negatively if you have bad grades at the start of your academic career. However, if you feel you should really talk about why your grades are bad, you should include this is a seperate smaller essay. Your statement of intent needs to be as strong as possible. Talking about any weakness(unless specifically asked,) will only weaken your statement of purpose overall. -admissions essay advice
Hope this helps
