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About my internship: help me with the grammar mistakes and the fluency in my essay!


emem123 4 / 7 2  
Mar 2, 2020   #1

leadership and team work experience



Please point out any exposure to entrepreneurial, leadership and team work activities as well as international exposure in your previous job: (300 words)

I gain leadership experience and team work in the internship. When holding the Asia Pacific biotech investment forum, I was responsible with event management of the business matchmaking event, including time schedule and onsite event control. There was a chaos in the matchmaking event: some participants arrived early, some participants, who were senior executives in the biotech industry, delayed the schedule time, and some of my colleagues weren't at the position they supposed to be. To be exact, the event was at a manpower shorthand situation. I asked the senior executives in our company to deal with the senior executive's time exceed problem and immediately arranged a quiet room for those senior executives to network without time limit. I requested the colleagues on the matchmaking event for guest reception and I asked idle colleagues for aid. Eventually, the matchmaking event went on smoothly and more than ten companies went on further collaborations.

GATE 9 / 17 1  
Mar 2, 2020   #2
grammar:

"I gain leadership experience and ..." - First of all, don't start the para like this. It looks childish. you can start from" During my internship, when holding the Asia..."

"I was responsible with event ..." - I was responsible for managing the business matchmaking event, including time scheduling...

"position they were supposed to be"

"the event was at a facing manpower"

"time exceed problem" - time extension issue

" I asked idle colleagues for aid" - i arranged volunteers

"went on with further..."

I think you could have written this in a much better way. try to rewrite it.
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,531 2963  
Mar 2, 2020   #3
Your essay does not make any sense to the reader. You have 300 words with which to write this essay. Use it to develop a clear explanation of the following first:

- What was the conference name? When was it held?
- What was the conference about? Why was this conference important to your office?
- What was your committee called?
- What was your title on the committee? Why were you chosen to fill this position?
- What was your duty and responsibility?
- How many people were under your leadership?
- What were the first signs of problems and how did you deal with it?
- Why did the problem escalate?
- How did you display leadership in that instance?
- How did you develop team work for your committee members on the spot?
- What was the result of your leadership in both instances (conference and team work)

Your problem with this essay starts with problematic content. You are not properly explaining the incident in the essay so the total work is difficult to understand. Important information is missing in the presentation. This is no better than an essay written by a beginner ESL student. The reviewer will not care to consider your application if you pass this type of essay along with your application. It does not properly inform the reviewer. I repeat, before you do grammar editing, make sure your content is clear, complete, and interesting enough for the reviewer to continue reading first.


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