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If ISB were to admit one more student, I would be a very strong candidate because


sumitg04 3 / 1  
Jul 11, 2010   #1
Hi, Please review and help me to draft an impressive essay.

If ISB were to admit one more student, I would be a very strong candidate because of the values and experience I would bring to the class of 2012.

Since my childhood, I have been fortunate enough to have experienced many successes. I was provided with the circumstances that made it possible for me to keep single-minded focus, and I excelled in whatever I set my eyes on. My interest in science made me work hard to pursue engineering at IIT. My passion, team spirit, and leadership abilities and sound physical training enabled me to lead the University Cricket team win many national level tournaments.

Early on in my career, I started connecting technology to end users. I focused on the big picture while innovating in technology. This helped me to work through the ranks in the IT industry and become the youngest member of the global core team of 30 Transition Managers in IBM (Strength 85,000 people) to support customers in the North America region.

I have extensive international work experience in India, Singapore, the United Kingdom, and the United States spanning across industries as Insurance, Healthcare, Banking, Auto, Industrial, and Media.

My passion for cricket and organizing capabilities led me to establish my Cricket Club in Michigan, and later play in Michigan cricket leagues. I realized there was a need for dedicated pitches, cricket fields, capturing and nurturing talent and creating awareness. I promoted cricket to Michigan State Officials for support and Corporate to arrange finances and professionalize the club, in the process adding to my dynamic network.

I am confident that my experience at various levels in IT industry coupled with my multicultural experience and knowledge of multiple industries will help me contribute to the class discussions and club activities in ISB.

I believe my achievements are results of my drive, commitment, passion and hard work rather than inheritance. If admitted I will surely make a difference to the student body of class of 2012.

Notoman 20 / 419  
Jul 12, 2010   #2
There are several places where you need the article "the." It can be difficult in English to know when an article is needed and when it is not. Basically, if you are talking about a particular noun instead of a noun in a general way, you need an article--but there are always exceptions because English is tricky like that. Native speakers make many grammar decisions based on instinct and ear.

lead University Cricket team

the University Cricket team

I focused on big picture

the big picture

to support customers in North America region

the North American region

in India, Singapore, UK, and US

the United Kingdom, and the United States (I would also spell out the countries' names)

various levels in IT industry

the IT industry

There are other issues with commas and odd word choice, but I will leave those for another person or another time.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jul 12, 2010   #3
Yes, well said, Noto. "The" is a tough word.

Right from my childhood I have excelled in whatever I set my eyes on.--- this seems a little over-confident. I do not doubt that you have found many successes, but it might not be the best way to start the essay. You can say it humbly:

Since my childhood, I have been fortunate enough to have experienced many successes. I was provided with the circumstances that made it possible for me to keep single-minded focus, and I excelled in whatever I set my eyes on.

Make one paragraph that is about cricket, and make another para that is about IT experience. Then, go back and add one more sentence to the end of the 1st para: a thesis statement that tells the theme for the whole essay. Your essay seems to be about single-minded focus and success.

:-)
OP sumitg04 3 / 1  
Jul 21, 2010   #4
Hi Kevin and Notoman,

Please see the updated essay below...please provide your feedback.
lilliloli 3 / 10  
Jul 21, 2010   #5
sumitg04
My passion, team spirit, and leadership abilities, and sound physical training enabled me to lead the University Cricket team.We won many national level tournaments.

spanning across industries such as Insurance, Healthcare, Banking, Auto, Industrial, and Media.

My passion for cricket and organizing capabilities led me to establish mythe Cricket Club in Michigan, and later play in Michigan cricket leagues. you dont want to make an outright claim, even if true, because it can come off as being either a bragger or just rude

I believe my achievements are results of my drive, commitment, passion, and hard work rather than inheritanceseems a little irrelivant, i dont think anyone claims these things as inherited . If admitted I will surely make a difference to the student body of class of 2012.

The ending is very strong, I like this alot. Just continue to tweak the grammar and remember those commas! :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jul 22, 2010   #6
My passion, team spirit, and leadership abilities,and sound physical training enabled me to lead the University Cricket team.

Yes, take out that extra "and."
After this sentence, it is better if you add a thesis statement that tells the reader what you want her to remember after she finishes the essay. What if you change the order, like this:

Since my childhood, I have been fortunate enough to have experienced many successes. I was provided with the circumstances that made it possible for me to keep single-minded focus, and I excelled in whatever I set my eyes on. My passion, team spirit, and leadership abilities and sound physical training enabled me to lead the University Cricket team win many national level tournaments. My interest in science made me work hard to pursue engineering at IIT.

Now the para ends with a sentence that you want the reader to remember. You could add one more detail to that sentence:
My interest in science made me work hard to pursue (what kind of?) engineering at IIT, because I believe that engineering is ___________ (how is it significant? Art? Innovation?)

The last sentence of the first para is important!

Make this all one paragraph:
Early on in my career, I started connecting ...spanning across industries as Insurance, Healthcare, Banking, Auto, Industrial, and Media.

:-)


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