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"the knowledge of instrumentation and signal processing" -need help with sop writting


harry123 1 / -  
Nov 19, 2010   #1
i have started writing my sop but i am not sure whether i am going in the right in the direction or not so please can some body help me.this is the starting para.

I want to reach the summit in the knowledge of instrumentation and signal processing , apply this knowledge for the innovation of new technology which could benefit and lead to the betterment of human life.with this goal in my mind i did both my bachelors and Masters from biomedical engineering.I would like to quench my thirst for knowledge by reaching one more level.My quest till now would not have been possible without support of my family,teacher sand friends and i am thankfull to all of them.As a child i saw a documentary about artificial heart ,how it proved to be life saver for a patient who was on death bed.This fascinated me a lot and led to the strong desire of becoming a biomedical engineer.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Nov 27, 2010   #2
My quest till now would not have been possible without support of my family,teacher sand friends and i am thankfull to all of them.As a child i saw a documentary about artificial heart ,how it proved to be life saver for a patient who was on death bed.This fascinated me a lot and led to the strong desire of becoming a biomedical engineer.

^^Might I suggest completely removing all of what I have quoted.
Furthermore, I dislike your use of cliches in the opening sentences. Phrases such as ''reach the summit'' ''benefit human life'' and ''quench my thirst for knowledge'' annoy me because they are boring and have been used countless times before. Imagine how the Admissions staff might feel when they have to come across those ineffective phrases.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 27, 2010   #3
I want to reach the summit in the knowledge of instrumentation and signal processing, apply this knowledge for the innovation of new technology (replace this with some specific area of innovation), which could benefit and lead and contribute to the betterment of human life.

Capitalize the W:
with With this goal in my mind, I did both my ...

I think you should move this sentence to the end: I would like to quench my thirst for knowledge by reaching one more level by completing the (name of program) at (name of university).

:-)


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