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My leadership towards Anti-Bullying club ; MASON ESSAY/ Optional essay


karmalove 4 / 7  
Jan 15, 2013   #1
If applicants would like to share something about themselves, we welcome them to submit an OPTIONAL essay/personal statement with their application in the space provided. Essays should be limited to no more than 250 words.

I wrote about my leadership and what drove me to start the Anti-Bullying club at my school. Please help me spice it up a bit; I feel like I wrote so childish cause I have writer's block.

EDITS ARE WELCOMED.

Once again thank you!

The organizing of events; the piles of planned fundraisers; the never ending stress that rises from being a President of your own club is what I have felt since day 1 of my Senior year. So why did I start it? There is a meaning behind this club of mine; it is not just some club I created in order to impress college officials, but a result of an event I had experienced back in middle school. As overwhelming as it can be some days, I think back to this occurrence and hope that I am making a difference in someone's life.

It happened so quickly and unexpectedly. Two girls had walked up to a friend of mine and began bombarding her with insults, while demanding she give them her homework. As much as I wanted to speak up, not one word uttered out of me. Instead, I was forced to watch this horrific event unfold and the feeling of guilt hit me all too much.

From that moment on, I understood the importance of standing up for one another. This experience is what inspired me to create the Anti-Bullying Club at my school and by going to local elementary schools and teaching them the consequences of bullying and not standing up, I am hoping that I impact at least one individual. I don't want anyone to face the terrible pain or guilt I felt that day. If it's within my power to prevent this, I surely will.

lexyliu1209 4 / 14 2  
Jan 15, 2013   #2
Since you only got a few hours, I guess there is no need for big content revision. But I would recommend you to rearrange the sequence of your paragraphs, maybe start with the bullying event? I think you need to let the reader know what kind of club you

are talking about at the beginning, not in the last paragraph.

And

Two girls had walked -->walked up to a friend of mine and began bombarding her with insults, while demanding she give -->her to give them her homework. I was forced to watch this horrific event unfold -->with folded arms and the feeling of guilt hit me all too much.

This experience is what inspired me to create the Anti-Bullying Club at my school and by going to local elementary schools and teaching them the consequences of bullying and not standing up, I am hoping that I impact at least one individual.

This experience is what inspired me to found the Anti-Bullying Club at my school. By going to local elementary schools and teaching the students the consequences of bullying and why we have to stand up for each other, I hope at least I have contributed in some way to stop what had happened to my friend occur again.

Good luck with your college application! be cheerful!
OP karmalove 4 / 7  
Jan 15, 2013   #3
Thank you so much!! I was thinking of 2nd paragraph first, then the third second and then the second last..What do you think? :)
lexyliu1209 4 / 14 2  
Jan 16, 2013   #4
sorry I am late here. YEs, that's what I was trying to say. Hope you already made that change!!

Keep your fingers crossed~ I hope you get admitted!:)
dibya 4 / 11 2  
Jan 16, 2013   #5
Hi,

"It happened so quickly and unexpectedly"- though it is a personal statement yet it seems a bit on the informal side.If you have time you can rephrase it like: I was caught unaware when....


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