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'What's in my leasure time' -- My 2nd fellowship applicant essay


sosososo1114 2 / 8  
Dec 11, 2009   #1
dear all, I changed the topic of my fellowship essay , but I am still not sure this essay is OK. I need your suggestions. I don't know how to edit my previous title so I start a new one...

the request:
"Describe your leadership, work experience, service experience, or other significant involvement with racial, ethnic, socio-economic, or educational communities that have traditionally been underrepresented in higher education, and how these experiences would promote a diversity of views, experiences, and ideas in the pursuit of research, scholarship, and creative excellence."

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As primary school girl, I was asked to write observation diary and weekly reading reports by my parents. This began with some kind of compulsory, but turned into a kind of habit later. I keep myself up until finished the diary even it was late in the night. Also, these writings ask me to reading regularly and thinking rationally and observing carefully. This continues and benefits me a lot.

Actually, my first research starts with careful observation. During the internship in Professor Guangcai Gong's lab, 2007, occasionally I noticed that the air source heat pump installed in our office blows cold wind about every forty minutes under heating model when it rains. To find out what lies behind, I learned further and found frost forms on the outdoor coil with an ambient temperature at 4℃. The effects that several factors play on frost formation are analyzed qualitatively and verified, however, seldom study measures the quantitative weights of each. Thus, I told Professor Gong what's in my mind and was granted a further study. This study also renders me taste the taste of research. I feel exciting and aggressive in carrying it out when I first got the idea, and later a little tough because I failed after had tried several times. But at the moment I solve the problem, a kind of fulfillment arise. I view myself a heroin. Then, I was troubled by another problem again and get into another turn. However, I like these feelings.

I also get used to read or learn something new in my leisure time because of those writings. I will attend extra courses in other disciplines to kill my leisure time though they are not graded. One is the fundamental introduction to building constructions. And I found this class is rather useful in my later HVAC system designs in the curriculum.

During my presidentship, I held routine discussion weekly, and designed the club program with my fellow and encouraged them. I also feel proud when my fellows are proud of their club. What's more, in the club I get to known with a group of majors at other disciplines. They gave me a better understanding on process occurs in HVAC system, such as condensation and evaporation.

Later as a graduate research assistant in Professor Guangcai Gong's Lab, I also take parts in other projects, such as measuring the field temperature and other thermal propensities of building envelops in paper mills and setting up the initial condition for them, testing radiant panels. But I spend most of my time on studying thermal dynamics, heat mass transfer and numerical system modeling. My recent model for evaporator thrust me into a new open question. As I decrease the size of my mesh of evaporator, the physical changes in it can be described with more details but it also took a longer time to calculate it. Then here comes the question: how many mesh is applicable for an evaporator. And is there any algorithm able to cut down the time cost of calculations? I hope I could find answers in further study.

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Is it a little discursive?
and How should I improve it ?
Please do not hesitate to correct it or to provide advices
Thank you
michaelrulaz 2 / 5  
Dec 12, 2009   #2
One thing i have noticed is your grammar. I am not a grammar master myself, as i took make many mistakes. However you need to make sure that you talk in the same tense the whole way through. For example;

I have became acustomed to reading or learning something new in my leisure time because of those writings. I will attend extra courses in other disciplines to killin my leisure time even though they are not graded. One is the fundamental introduction to building constructions. And I found this class is rather useful in my later HVAC system designs in the curriculum
OP sosososo1114 2 / 8  
Dec 13, 2009   #3
Oh, yes. I find a lot of mistakes about tense in my essay, too. Thank u, Micheal!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 13, 2009   #4
As primary school girl, I was asked to write an observation diary and weekly reading reports by my parents. This began as something that was compulsory but turned into a kind of habit later. I keep myself up until I am finished with the diary -- even if it was late in the night. Also, these writings ask me to reading regularly and thinking rationally and observing carefully.

This study also renders me taste the taste of research. I felt excited and aggressive in carrying it out when I first got the idea, and later it became a little tough because I failed after I had tried several times. But at the moment I solved the problem, a kind of fulfillment arose .

Later as a graduate research assistant in Professor Guangcai Gong's Lab, I also take part in other projects, such as measuring...

I hope I can find answers in further study.
OP sosososo1114 2 / 8  
Dec 14, 2009   #5
Thanks, Kevin and Micheal! I am trying to eliminate grammer mistakes in my essay. But I get a little puzzled about the tense. Should I use the same tense through the whole essay?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 16, 2009   #6
This morning I wrote an essay. It was an assay about something I was contemplating. I wrote in the morning while I contemplated life, but the writing was not very good. Now, as I write about my writing from this morning, I write in the past tense.

In the paragraph above, I wrote in the past tense while I talked about what I did this morning, but when I talked about what I am doing now (in the last sentence) I wrote in the present tense.

It is very have to learn! You have to practice by reading passages aloud.


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