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Living in a "fantastically corrupt" country of the world. Statement for MPA University of Calgary.


matiullahghafari 1 / 2 1  
May 26, 2016   #1
Can you imagine living in a country which saved the world from communism but burns in civil war for more than three decades and war still have victims as it is globally ranked as 2nd insecure country of the world after Syria (Global Peace Index 2015), called fantastically corrupt country of the world by David Cameron (English prime minister) Ranked 3rd most corrupt country in the world (corruption perception Index 2015 by transparency international) and ranked 24th poorest country of the world (global finance management 2015) even this rating shows an elicited economy of narcotics production which is ranked first (World Drug Report 2015 by UNODC) Where international community forced to interfere for surrounding the threat within the country and save their own people. Welcome to Afghanistan. but most of the might not know that this country is also the land of scholars like Avicenna, Sayed Jamaluddin and Rumi, the country with 5000 years of history, Untapped minerals worth more than three trillion of dollars, natural water resources requirement of the region, beautiful and attractive nature, gentle and wise people.

I have witnessed and shared the pain of people during the war, migrations and revolution I've been always trying to find a way to contribute in saving the nation and the country, by taking membership of social youth volunteers, participating in conferences, roundtables seminars and have organized, managed and led several social events through media and social youths volunteer. Since the country has been in a new phase of global sight it is time to change by building the capacities, analyzing the situation and implementing the change, why I shouldn't be the part.

I have understood several things from my life experience such as adversity & poverty from migration, extremism, oppression, tyranny and terror from war; disbelief & instability from corruption; hope & power from education; ability to change & pleasure of sharing joy from work. Now would like to have more dreams.

Working in a corrupt and war thorn community have its difficulties but as a committed citizen and an energetic young selected the difficult task since I have grown with problems and do not enjoy easy tasks which are for millions of lazy people. Analyzing the presidential election of Afghanistan where Mohammad Ashraf Ghani a professional guy has been able to gather people and acquire their trust by providing logical explanation of community problems and solution however had no war background in extremist war thorn country has motivated me more than ever and showed that if you work hard, be specific, have plans and have practical version of solutions the people is on your side or simply if you know where are you going everyone will follow you.

Based on my experience at public and private organization I have come to know that the best way to serve people is to bring changes in policies, develop practical ways, create transparent and accountable systems with the use of best practices of other countries and adapt it to local conditions, and this is the only way to make the ground for every compatriot to serve in public and private sectors.

I believe in "if you really desire something nobody can stop you, strong desire produces strong result & weak desires produce a weak result".

During my seven years of professional experience I have acquired several skills such as at lower level Organizing, prioritizing, paying attention to details, goal setting, willing to ask for help, disciplining and at medium level improved my problem solving, stress management, negotiation and decision-making skills the attached certificates and letter of recommendation proves that.

Within the current condition I think that Masters of public administration is made for me and I hope by continuing education at university of Calgary which one of the prestigious universities of the world ranked 33rd globally with famous alumnus and great scholars would improve my competencies in governance, policy making, conflict resolution & strategic planning and would able me in return to my country handful.

I hope the above skills and experience will equip me for the university life and this personal statement supports my application that I am an enthusiastic disciplined and hardworking student who would enjoy the aspects of university life.

akbartaufiq25 7 / 81 54  
May 26, 2016   #2
Welcome to the team, Matiullah! We strive to be the best forum in assisting all members who are in need of writing assistance. I am looking forward seeing your active participation to the EssayForum. Let's have a look towards your writing.

This is a well-written personal statement. It describes the background of your country, the issues around you, your effort to solve the problem, your work experience and how you relates all these aspects with your further study. On top of that, you provide several facts which I believe that you cite it from several sources. Still, I suggest you list the sources in the section of references or works cited . This signifies that you have a strong sense of respect and awareness to the issue of plagiarism.

Another issue to be considered is the introductory part of this essay is way too long. I do not say that using longer sentence is not allowed in any kinds of writing but sometimes people value simplicity the most. Putting a long sentence as the introduction makes the reader uninterested to read the essay. This because people are easy to understand the message in a short sentence rather than the longer one. I think that the introductory part of your essay can be split into several sentences. The simple sentence does not mean inelegance or having limited ideas either.

That's all my suggestions. Looking forward to review more of your posts or the revised version of the current personal statement. Best regards.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
May 26, 2016   #3
Hi Matiullah, first of all, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family. We are very lucky to have found a website that does not only help us get better at this craft but will also provide us with the most accurate and relevant criticisms to our writing projects. Now, as I read and understood your essay, I must say that you are able to come up with a well informed essay, the information you gathered has been an essential part to the success of your essay.

However, as much as the introduction and the body of the essay is well organized, below are my suggestions to further enhance this part of the essay.

- DuringWith my seven years
- such as atin lower level Organizing,
- willing to ask for helpask questions when needed , - discipliningdiscipline and at
- letter of recommendation proves thatis for your due reference .

- Within the current condition I thinkI believe that - at the U niversity of Calgary
- which is one of the prestigious
- would en able me
- into return to my country with a handful of skills that I will definitely share to my fellowmen .

- that I am an enthusiastic disciplined and
- hardworkinga determined student who

There you have Matiullah, I hope the corrections helped and are useful to your revision. Also, as much as you would like to showcase the negative notes about your country, you also need to balance this with informations that are light and good about your country, 'coz, hey, after all, you belong to this country and this is your home, so be proud of it.
OP matiullahghafari 1 / 2 1  
May 27, 2016   #4
Thank you so much for your helpful comments; it is my first draft, and i am working to improve it as per your suggestions, once finished i will repost it for your kind review

Best regards
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
May 31, 2016   #5
Hi Matiullah, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF.
I am quiet excited to review your essay, this is because I want to read if you follow through with the suggested remarks on your essay.

Moreover, I am ready to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback that we can draw from your essay.

While you're at it, remember to review the language rules, format as well as the minor details that should go along with your writing, embody the topic, learn different strokes and whatever stroke of writing or techniques you choose, remember to keep you essay focused on the initial goal of the article.

Last but not the least, put your heart into your writing, let your readers know your personal opinion of the topic, this way they will feel a sense of connection to the essay and to the readers. Keep writing.
OP matiullahghafari 1 / 2 1  
Jun 2, 2016   #6
Please have a look on my revised statement i have sent the reference to the bottom of the page and tried to shorten the sentences and also gained some good things about my country would you please guide me on grammatical issue as per the grammarly i have 15 advanced issue like 2 improper formatting, 5 word choice, 4 wordiness, 2 word order, 1 perposition use and 1 clarity.

Can you imagine living in a country which is called fantastically corrupt country, ranked 2nd insecure, 3rd most corrupt, 1st in narcotics production and 24th poorest country; I and 34 million of people do live. Welcome to Afghanistan. Most of the world might not know that this country is also the land of opportunities; the US geological survey has estimated a net worth between $900 billion and $3 trillion of untapped mines; the country is known for producing some of the finest agro-products like; pomegranates, grapes, apricots, melons, dry fruits, nuts, and exports totaled $2.7 billion in 2012. This is also the land of scholars like Avicenna, Rumi & Sayed Jamal Uddin with 5000 years of history and culture, natural water resources required by the region with beautiful and attractive nature. There is a great hope for young professional to develop, learn and experience new things in different sectors; like mining, power, energy, agriculture, water, import & exports and good governance.

I have understood several things from my life experience such as adversity & poverty from migration, extremism, oppression, tyranny and terror from war; disbelief & instability from corruption; hope & power from education; ability to change & pleasure of sharing joy from work.

Working in a corrupt and war thorn community has its difficulties & challenges but as a committed citizen and an energetic young, I have accepted this challenge. Analyzing the presidential election of Afghanistan where Mohammad Ashraf Ghani a professional person has been able to gather people and acquire their trust by providing logical explanation of community problems and solution without being a warlord in an extreme war thorn country has motivated me more than ever and showed that if you work hard, be specific, have plans and have practical version of solutions; the people is on your side or simply if you know where are you going everyone will follow you.

I have graduated with a Bachelor of Administration & Diplomacy from Law & Political Science department of Balkh University and have gained more than seven years of full-time experience with different national and international organizations. Some of my professional experiences include my service, with General Directorate of Municipal Governance where I worked as a Public Administration and Public Administration Reform Advisor to help the municipalities in reform, change management and institutional capacity building. During the tenure of my service I have learned and practiced institutional gap and needs assessment, development of required training and conducted training and capacity building sessions at different levels. Some of my major achievements at the municipal level were the development of citizen forums where the local citizens participated to openly talk and discuss with the Municipal officials in terms of the proper development of the community, monitoring and expenditure of municipal fund, prioritizing of funds expenditures in the required community development projects. The senior management of municipality "Mayor" has appreciated my achievement with two recommendation letters.

The new government of Afghanistan and the international community are insisting on the restructuring of the government policies, systems and approaches to be transparent, effective, efficient and responsive to citizens of Afghanistan. Implementation of good governance is the only solution to achieve these milestones. People are always the major sources of input to newly developed systems. I want to have a very active participation in the new change management, institutional restructuring and engineering of the Government of Afghanistan; therefore, I want to attain the required skills and knowledge to achieve my goals. Master of Public Administration (MPA) is considered to be one of the best qualifications which enriches professionals with the required knowledge and skills to practice good governance at any required levels of careers. Canada being an example of good governance and one of the most developed countries could be the best option to pursue my higher education and learn best practices which can be applicable to my country.

Based on a detailed research I have conducted throughout the international universities in Asia, Europe, and America, I found that the University of Saskatchewan could be the best option to get my MPA.

I hope my education will help me achieve my career goals and contribute to my country's development and sustainability.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jun 3, 2016   #7
Hi Mattiullah, I am glad that you followed through the suggested revision of the essay, it definitely needs a lot of positive input about your country, as I said, you should be proud of your country wherever you are and whenever you can. Believe it or not, I've been all over the world and even if at times I hear bad news and bad feedbacks about my country, it is still the country where I came from and I am proud of that.

Now when it comes to your grammar, I must say that the linking verbs needs to be polished as well as the tenses of the words that you use in the sentences needs to be observed. Moreover, I notice a few elaborated ideas which is a good technique in order to keep your ideas easy to understand by your readers and even more so, your reviewers.

The best of luck to you and I hope to review more of your essays and writing projects soon.


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