It was love at first sight; University of Pennsylvania QuestBridge Sup

Oct 27, 2013 #1

Hey there! I am applying to the UPenn College of Arts and Sciences and was hoping my essay could be critiqued and if possible, I could be given advice! Be as critical as you can. Thanks!

The Admissions Committee would like to learn why you are a good fit for your undergraduate school choice (College of Arts and Sciences, School of Nursing, The Wharton School, or Penn Engineering). Please tell us about specific academic, service, and/or research opportunities at the University of Pennsylvania that resonate with your background, interests, and goals. (400-650 words)

It was love at first sight. Looking into that microscope lens in biology class freshman year was one of the most fascinating views I had ever examined. Seeing all those plant cells packed tightly together in such a formation that they could withstand the elements and even the force of gravity was fascinating. I let my mind wander and I thought to myself: how could something on such a small scale be so effective and convenient when considered in larger proportions? Ralph Waldo Emerson once remarked: "Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science." As an academic scholar, I hold true to this quote because it dictates that I must have an open mind to pursue the art of the sciences. Thus, I sought out the answer in a years-long journey, taking as many of the advanced science courses that my high school offered as possible, including advanced placement courses in biology, chemistry, and physics. Yet, even with all the knowledge and insights that I gained from them, my understanding of the cellular and molecular bases of the natural world is still minuscule compared to the amount of information that is known to the current world. Nevertheless, the inferno of my passion for science is still burning and is being fueled by my curiosity. By applying to the University of Pennsylvania College of Arts and Sciences, I expect to satiate this desire for knowledge in the sciences.

However, the world-class education at the College of Arts and Sciences is not the only aspect of the University that I seek. The research opportunities presented to students are bountiful, especially in the biochemistry program. Being able to apply to those research programs will provide me with the experience that I need in my pursuit of a degree in biochemistry. Research will not only make my resume look better; it will also yield a valuable understanding of real world application of what is learned in academia.

After my undergraduate years, I hope to enter medical school and pursue an MD to initiate my career in the medical field. The College at Penn will undoubtedly prepare me very well for the transition because of all the experience and expertise I will have gained by the time I graduate. I understand that I have a very lengthy path in front of me, but for me, that path is concrete and I will see to it that, with a UPenn College education, I benefit society with my understanding of the sciences.

Izzy25 1 / 3

Oct 27, 2013 #2

i like it ...a lot.

There was just a few things that I just want to say:

By applying to the University of Pennsylvania College of Arts and Sciences, I expect to satiate this desire for knowledge in the sciences.

elaborate on this sentence if you have more space for words.

For example : "Through the challenging course work, and highly qualified professors I believe my knowledge of science will soar at proliferating levels."
Kind of kiss up to the school a little. It's definitely not the best sentence, but I am pretty sure you can come up with something better than my own.

hus, I sought out the answer in a years-long journey, taking as many of the advanced science courses that my high school offered as possible, including advanced placement courses in biology, chemistry, and physics.

I'm not entirely sure, but it sounds like a run on sentence. If you find that stating the AP classes you take are significant, maybe try cutting of another part of the sentence.I also noticed you stated AP classes twice. One time is enough.

I sought out the answer in a years-long journey, taking as many of the advanced science courses such as~~that my high school offered as possible~~ , ~~includingadvanced placement courses~~ biology, chemistry, and physics.

And this sentence is also kind of wordy. Try and steer away from the overuse of commas. They are NOT your friends!

I understand that I have a very lengthy path in front of me, but for me, that path is concrete and I will see to it that, with a UPenn College education, I benefit society with my understanding of the sciences.

So I guess in all, most of your sentences tend too be a little to wordy.
But the content is very clever and understandable!

P.S: Please excuse me for my grammar (im in a rush), this my first time using this website.
Please check out my essay too if you can!:D