Hi i need help for editing of this essay to be submitted for MPH proagram. please help me out in editing and if possible let me know if the intro nad overall part is good enough
While I was young I used to wonder why my father chose to join Indian air force because his life was not that easy. But as I grew up I came to knew he is indeed serving the country by this job and stimulated in me humanity and human bond, especially required for the health care profession. I hope to contribute to the enrichment of diversity in your public health program, and I am very much looking forward to meeting students from other parts of the world. I want very much to be a part of the celebration of diversity at University of XXXXX.
My undergraduate studies in Bachelor of Dental sciences at VX Institute of Dental sciences &Research centre under Rvi Gxi University Bangkok have exposed me to a stimulating academic environment where learning and research go together. My college education exposed me to a number of methodologies, from examination of common diseases to patients suffering from oral cancer, community health surveys and oral health camps organised at schools for handicapped children and then relating the statistical relevance of diseases present for adequate prevention and care.
During my 3rd year of undergraduate studies I was introduced to the field of public health. Where I got the stimulation of making it as my Majors for masters degree program. Since this subject made me interact with eradication of diseases at community level rather than individual focus.
Moreover i kept my self updated by attending Continuing Dental education programs on oral health care needs, prevention of oral cancer, protocols for cleft lip and palate management, surgical splints. I also earned a Certificate of participation in the scientific Congress by University of Manitoba and Missouri College Canada. Since I graduated from Vx dental college I had the opportunity to develop my leadership and organization skills while volunteering for the xxxxx ophthalmology conference held in my college.
I have observed poverty conditions in India up close, over time, and am thus highly dedicated to the goal of seeing health care made more available. I have the greatest possible passion for finding preventive measures and cures for diseases-especially when health care issues are looked at from a global perspective.
Furthermore I have been associated with a health care institute Total Physio Care for the past five years which has equipped me with solutions for the vast diseases in community today and to deal with them at grass root level. Here I had the experience of learning different disciplines of medical care and which helped treating patients suffering from terminal stage diseases, having no hope in life during the monthly camps organized at different villages. At this institute we treat patients by associating different disciplines of health care that includes ayurveda, acupressure, acupuncture, homeopathy, and pranic healing and magneto therapy.
I want to study Public Health on the graduate level because I look forward to contributing in the future to helping to make medical care more accessible for the weakest members of society and implement the principles and concepts I have learned to tackle some of the most formidable diseases faced by us today as a species.
I believe that developed and perhaps even developing countries should make access to health care a top priority. This is why I hope to be admitted to begin studying at University XXXX this and to earn a Masters degree in Public Health. Ten years from now I would like to be working for the World Health Organization or UNICEF or perhaps the United States Public Health Services. I assure you that I will bring my all to your program and I want to thank you for consideration of
But as I grew up I came to
knewknow that by doing his job my father he is indeed servingtruly serves the countrynation . by this job andHis commitment and sacrifices inspired my perception on stimulated in me humanity and human bond , and I began to develop a strong sense for human relationships, bonds and feelings. Such sensitivity towards humanity especially requireddrove my interest towards for the health care profession.
...serving the country by doing this job, and this realization stimulated in me a sense of humanity and the significance of the human bond, especially required for the health care profession.
Why do you talk about diversity in the intro paragraph? Is the essay prompt a question about diversity? I think you should use that intro paragraph to talk about what you want to do based on your philosophy of medicine. Some people just want to make money, but some people feel passionate about a particular kind of medicine and they want to make a meaningful contribution.
I see that your passion is this-----> to make medical care more accessible for the weakest members of society and implement the principles and concepts I have learned to tackle some of the most formidable diseases faced by us today as a species. This is a beautiful idea. I think you should talk about this in the first paragraph!!!
Excellent... I am excited about your future. I think all readers will be impressed. But you should take out the part at the beginning about diversity. Replace it with a discussion of your real idea, which is to improve the lives of struggling people in this world.