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"What makes me come alive?" - Personal Statement and Grade Explanation


livin4him16 1 / 1  
Aug 19, 2010   #1
Below is a personal statement and a grade explanation... I don't have anyone to really look over this... let me know what you think. I also have to write a diversity statement.... Not really sure where to begin.

Personal Statement

I have been told that I need to make a difference, a mark if you will, on this world. While the notion has inspired and even challenged me in the course of my academic career, I cannot help but to feel that I have labored in vain. I say this not to confuse one into thinking that I have not achieved great things; I have. Moreover, I have found myself lacking, but continued in spite of failures. It is in my quest to change the world that I realized that it is the world that is changing me.

I was born into an upper middle class world with all the amenities one could expect. I had everything I needed, and much of what I wanted. Such an upbringing afforded me opportunities to travel the globe, play sports, and perform in theatrical and musical productions. While in eighth grade, equipped with what I consider my privileged background, I began my quest for greatness when I created an organization called Northern Moore Tomorrow Youth at the ripe age of fourteen. Conversely, my wife came from a broken home (actually, at times, she was homeless) void of such opportunities and replaced with neglect and abuse. We have learned to work together to heal the pain of the past and to recognize blessings in disguise. Today, we are by no means middleclass, but we do not consider ourselves poor. We live a life rich in intellectual curiosity and love for both each other and humanity.

Heney David Thoreau once said, "The law will never make a man free; it is men who have got to make the law free." The great disparity revealed by the convergence of my wife's world and my own left me confused and uncertain about what it would mean to change the world. From whose perspective should the world change? If laws are made free for some, should they not be freed for all? Our stark differences between the world of the "haves" and "have nots" are not the only set of worldviews that have left me tentative about leaving my mark on this world. It seems that I have been faced with conflicting worldviews my entire life as a son, student, minister, husband, and soon-to-be father. From what I can tell, one cannot separate one's ambitions for greatness from his or her response to their circumstances. It is with that knowledge that I fight for myself in this world.

I fight to find what makes me feel alive. It is in this fight that I have found within myself a passion for law and a zeal for the judicial process. I am drawn to the unique challenges that I will find at the intersection of intellectual property, civil liberties, corporate law. My background as a minister, marketing director, and community organizer will bring a unique perspective to the XXXXX classroom and benefit the university as a whole. XXXX's reputation as a leading research institution and commitment to public service and diversity make it the ideal place for me to begin my law degree. At this point in my life, I am ready to take on new challenges in attempt to continue my personal and professional growth in a field that calls on my writing skills, attention to detail, and my pursuit of greatness.

For too long, I have looked at the world in an attempt to discern what it wanted from me, or more importantly, what it needed. Instead, I should have been looking inward and asking myself, "What makes me come alive?" For me, my passion can be found within the practice of law because this field is the most direct way that I can metaphorically bridge the gap between the disparity that existed between my background and that of my wife's. This will be how I can make a difference. I have found how I will leave my mark.

Grade Justification
I f you do not believe that your academic record or standardized test scores accurately reflect your ability to succeed in law school, please explain why.

At a young age my father told me that, "Every job is a self portrait of the person who does it. Autograph your work with excellence." After hearing these words I have done my best to operate in excellence. In short, I am proud of what I have accomplished in both my academic and personal life. While I do not have a 4.0 or a 180 LSAT score, I feel that my academic performance is a good reflection of my ability to succeed in law school. In an ideal situation, a future law school student would be a residential student at a university ...

t1292 11 / 21  
Aug 20, 2010   #2
Wow Bravo!
It is well written there is a clear voice the only thing I must say is that some sentences seem cliche (yea I know missing the accent symbol) but come out as confusing and not really meaning anything at all. For Example : I am a product of my response to my circumstances.

^
After reading it a second time I understood exactly what you ment but when someone has a million of these to read you might not get a second read.
OP livin4him16 1 / 1  
Aug 20, 2010   #3
Thank you. I understand what you are saying.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Sep 6, 2010   #4
a mark if you will,

This is something I forgot to comment on the first time. Strike this right out. I don't know how to explain why, but if you look at the sentence without this phrase in the way, you'll see that it is more powerful.

It is in my quest to change the world that I realized that it is the world that is changing me. --- if you have this at the end of the first para, it makes the reader store this in the mind as a major point to remember when interpreting your meaning. You should either make this a theme that you come back to at the end or ADD a sentence (my favorite technique.) Add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph; now that you have written and revised the whole thing, refine the thesis one last time by adding another sentence to the end of that first paragraph.

Another option would be to refer again at the end of the essay to "how the world was changing me"
Do you know what I mean? There needs to be a connection between the last para and the end of the first. That is a good rule to follow with a lot of essays.


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