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Master degree and design abilities - correction of grammatical errors


echo5016 5 / 9 1  
Sep 26, 2015   #1
Hello, I really need you guys' help in terms of grammar in this essay. Thanks!

I am Joan from Taipei County. Whereas I am diligent and aspiring, I am also very easily to blend in with. Focusing on practical things, I consider myself being excel at analysing. My father has retired from air force, and now working as an advisor. My mother teaches in a Junior high school. Also I have got a younger brother who is still studying at a high school. Harmony is the very word to describe my family.

I have been learning painting since I was a junior high student. Although at high school with heavy workloads, I have never stopped improving my drawing skills. Because of my passion for arts, I have decided to apply for design, and luckily being accepted by industrial design department of xxx University as the second place.

At the first year, in order to catch up with other classmates, I have been focused on every lesson I have attended, and also spent a great amount of time practising hand drawing as well as making models.

At the sophomore year, I chose transport design as my major which to me was a completely new area. In this course, I have learnt not only how to design vehicles, but also the basic knowledge of its inner structure, 3D model making and advanced sketching skills. With all English-taught lessons, my English skills have improved considerably. In this year, I have also been in charge of handling any problems related to students' life and assignments, which really improved my communicating and problem-solving skills.

During my third year of college, I changed to study product design given the marketing condition in Taiwan. This course was designed and more excitingly, taught by many successful designers to help students (in groups) learn the ideas of current products as well as the procedure of discussion. During this year, I have learnt how to communicate with other people and express my ideas more effectively. Moreover, by giving presentations, I have also improved my speaking skills and finally overcome having cold feet in front of many people. Me and my classmates have also teamed to participate lots of competitions, such as IF concept design award and many other held by governments.

In addition, I have joined many volunteer activities held by school, like helping elementary schools and local communities in stage design, costume making and cleaning local parks.

Currently as a fourth-year student, I am working a project with my classmates in terms of improving household electronics, aiming to meet market's needs. The project, which I am the one who mainly write research summaries, is expected to be on display in Young Designer Exhibition in May 2016. My task in the group is not simply filtering myriad information, but also getting used to the working method master students take. Scrutinising and analysing are two vital elements I have learnt that enable products to reach the perfection.

In conclusion, the reason I applied for a master degree is to sharpen my design abilities due to the fact that I have realised the lectures taught in college were rather basic.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 26, 2015   #2
Yen, I'm more than happy to help you with the grammar problems in your essay. I will be posting my corrections below. I am just wondering though, are you writing a statement of purpose or a personal statement for graduate school? I sensed a statement of purpose within the essay that you wrote but then again, you spoke so much of your educational background that it could be a simple personal statement. Can you clarify what you are trying to write? If you are writing a statement of purpose, the content of your essay is sure to change. Please let us know so that we can better guide you in developing your paper. In the meantime, here are my suggested corrections, written in all caps.

WHILE I am diligent and aspiring

, I am also very easily to GET ALONG with.

myself EXCELLENT IN analysing.

from THE air force, and now WORKS as an ADVISER.

Also I have got a younger brother who is still studying at a high school.

HARMONIOUS is the very word to describe my family.

Although HEAVY WITH HIGH SCHOOL WORK LOADS

I have never stopped improving

Because of my passion for arts, I have decided to apply for design, and luckily being accepted by industrial design department of xxx University as the second place. - Grammar rules dictate that no sentence can begin with Because. You also need to clarify what you mean by "the second place".

DURING the first year, in order to catch up with MY classmates, I have been focused on every lesson I have attended, and also spent a great amount of time practising hand drawing as well as making models.

DURING MY sophomore year,

I have LEARNED not only how to

STUDENT life

I LEARNED how to communicate with other people

MY CLASSMATES AND I

also teamed-UP to participate IN A NUMBER of competitions

such as THE IF concept design

activities held by THE school

, I am working ON a project

DESIGNED TO IMPROVE household electronics

aiming to meet THE MARKET'S needs

WHERE I MAINLY WRITE RESEARCH SUMMARIES

in THE Young Designer Exhibition

filtering A myriad OF information

master students USE

I have LEARNED that enable

I look forward to reading your revision and the clarification regarding the type of essay you are trying to write :-)
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 26, 2015   #3
I can help you with some mistakes in your grammar. First, I was unaware that this essay was for a master's program. As I made corrections, I realized that you could start your essay describing your passion for the arts. This is the second paragraph in your essay. I will begin by helping you with some mistakes in this paragraph:

2nd paragraph-These are some corrections:

"...since I was in junior high."

"When I was in high school, I had heavy workloads, but I never stopped improving my drawing skills"

The last sentence you should state: "Since I am passion about the arts, I have decided to study design, and I hope I will be accepted by the industrial design department at XXXX university."

3rd paragraph: I'm unsure about the beginning of this paragraph. Do you mean "During the first year in college"? If this is correct you can delete At the first year . Also, the last part of this sentence "...I was focused on all of my courses, and spent a great amount of time practicing..."

Since you have more information about your sophomore year, you could include your sophomore year in this paragraph. The next sentence would begin in a different manner: "Yet, my sophomore year, I chose..." Place a comma after "which". You should state: "In this course, I learned..." The next sentence you can make this change: "...skills improved considerably". Stay in the past tense: "That year, I was in charge of handling..."


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