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Personal Essay: Masters of Science in Nursing

Hi, I'm applying for a Direct Entry Master of Science in Nursing (MS for non-RN's) program.
Could someone please give me feedbacks-- especially for the last paragraph? I'd really appreciate it :)
My essay is supposed to address the following:

Why I want to become a nurse practitioner
How past experiences and/or influences have contributed to my decision to become a nurse practitioner or clinical nurse speicialist
What my professional nursing goals and plans are
How my graduate nursing education at (X school) can help you achieve those goals

So here's my essay:

Growing up in a family with complicated medical histories, I have always known that I wanted to someday devote my life to make a difference in the medical field. That combined with my passion for traveling, I have long dreamed about better helping others with medical needs in under-served parts of the world. Unfortunately at a young age, I was not even able to help save those closest to me. I lost three members of my family: both my grandmothers and my paternal uncle from cancers and liver failure in 2003. It was an especially difficult time as I became very close to each when taking care of them during their last years. As we were under-informed about the course of the diseases at the time, I couldn't help but believe that their situations might have been different had the diseases been caught at earlier stages. Given that medical imaging techniques have proven to be reliable for early detection of cancers and other diseases, I felt that going into the medical imaging field would allow me to help save others and prevent them going through what my family experienced.

I decided to specialize in ultrasound because the high level of interaction with patients would be a good fit for me, given my joy in taking care of others. Although I volunteered and familiarized myself with patient care in hospital settings before enrolling in the ultrasound program at (Y school), I found that directly playing a key role in patients' medical treatments and ultimately their lives was even more rewarding. During my fourth year in the program, I was fortunate to have the opportunity of a full time internship at (Y hospital). As a teaching hospital, the collegial environment encourages everyone to share knowledge and experiences with one another. This made my internship both enjoyable and enlightening, thus reaffirming my aspiration to pursue continuing professional development and education in medicine as well as to provide excellent care for every patient.

Upon graduation from the program, I obtained a position at (X hospital) as a sonographer in the Radiology Department. During orientation, we had a training speaker who was a Nurse Practitioner. She shared her experience as a bedside critical care nurse with a particular patient, a prominent government official, who felt he had everything he could want or need in life until he was told that he was dying. When first admitted to the hospital, he had friends and family visiting to comfort and support him. However, as time progressed, they became busy with their own lives and he was left with no one except his ever-caring nurse with whom he had built a very close relationship. He told her shortly before he died how grateful he was that he and others in his position had someone who would always be there: a nurse. Looking back to when I helped take care of my grandmothers and uncle, I am happy that I was able to be there to listen and comfort them. I was deeply affected by the speaker's simple yet powerful story, which profoundly moved me and aroused my true calling and desire to be a nurse.

Working with mostly inpatients who are generally very sick further convinced me that I would be a better fit for a position that allows me to hold more responsibilities and spend more time with each patient. I appreciate that everyone comes from a unique background with their own stories. Listening to their concerns and desires, I instinctively do more than what is required of my current position to comfort and ease my patients. I hope to not only be able to care and treat their medical problems, but also to listen to their own personal history to understand their needs in order to better counsel them. This challenge will give personal meaning and fulfillment to my life each day.

Of the many specialties in advanced practice nursing, I feel the strongest connection in pediatrics. My experience teaching violin to children from ages 4 to 20 has prepared me to easily bond and be patient with them, as well as making learning fun for them. In addition, working with children who have medical problems has made me more aware, sensitive, and comforting, thus enabling me to help make their visits to the hospital less intimidating. I am confident that my genuine care for children will go a long way in developing trusting and personalized relationships with my future pediatric patients in order to deliver better health care.

It is not difficult for me to envision where I want to continue my professional goals. In addition to having world-class hospitals in the area as clinical sites, (X school)'s close affiliation with (X hospital) is ideal given that I have experienced the challenging and highly educational environment while working at the hospital. It was rather unfortunate having to leave after only a short time due to my immigration status, but the experiences I gained from the highly competent professionals combined with the diversity of patients who come to (X hospital) have prepared me with the foundation of skills that I can bring to wherever I go. I am optimistic that (X school) would provide the tools that I need in order to achieve my dream of universally touching people's lives and promoting health awareness.

Thanks again! :)

EF_KevinThreads: 8
Posts: 13,840
[Contributor] 129  
Jan 17, 2010   #2
I lost three members of my family in 2003-- both my grandmothers to cancer, and my paternal uncle to liver failure. ----- Do you like this way of restructuring the sentence?

...the medical imaging field would enable me to help save others and prevent them going through what my family experienced.

I decided to specialize in ultrasound, because the...

I just think a little more work should be done on the last paragraph, where you tell the reasons this school is good for helping you achieve your goals. Oh, I see that you specifically requested help with this paragraph. I think you should come up with an argument that shows this setting to be better for you, personally, than many similar settings. There are many schools affiliated with hospitals, but perhaps a certain prof at this school is a hero of yours. This essay will be a little more persuasive if you come up with a good arguent about how this school is perfect for you, better than similar schools.


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