minimal skills
you probably wouldn't want to discredit yourself here, even if it's for modesty purpose. Using a word that qualifies your skills without sounding arrogant would be much stronger
the key elements of leadership, build a shared vision, and align measurable goals.
great! shows your understanding of business management
three-pronged one
if your one here refers to lecture, it will not be understood because of the parentheses. I suggest that you explicitly state what's "one" here.
I would conduct personal sessions to address specific issues with the language, toastmaster sessions to encourage public speaking and interactive propel sessions to address non-verbal aspects of communication
unless these different types of sessions are very common and obvious (and I'm just ignorant) you should say what they are. True, you mentioned what they do, but try to incorporate how they work also...unless you talk about them later
the most significant of which was members' lack of confidence
the members'
an extremely introverted person
you prob want to tone down on the extremely...makes you sound like a complete socialpath, even though you clearly say that you changed...extremely instills doubt
I also tackled
you already used also in the previous sentence. You prob want to put Furthermore or another transition
But the biggest hurdle was in maintaining consistent participation.
The biggest hurdle, however, was to maintain...
didn't you already say that the most significant hurdle was lack of confidence? you might want to say instead:
having established confidence in my group, I noticed that the biggest hurdle that remained was to maintain...
project leads and managers
are those workloads? manager at least sounds more like a person to me, not the job. management maybe?
and through surprise quizzes with secret prizes
take out the through, once is enough.
participation increased to 60 persons
the number of members increased to sixty
The results
These results
an enterprise wide effort
a bit of a structural problem here. I don't get what you mean.
if you believe in change
You did a very good job in not engaging the reader previously. don't start now. avoid you's
to be it and then push it
use "the change" or "the difference" instead of "it"
especially if business demands it.
I don't really get where this comes from. You didn't say that you did the whole thing for business right? Wasn't it more like a personal challenge? and what kind of business?
I was successful in bringing about a long awaited change .
now, you're just pushing the idea of change way too much at the end. You already talked about being the change, so you should come up with a more meaningful end, like how this experience changed you, instead of keep reminding the reader of how big a difference you made.
Overall, very nice structure, clear theme, and you covered pretty much everything. You had a lot of business insight throughout, even though your club didn't have to do with business directly. You covered enough of that that you don't need the "if business demands it" to stay on topic. This is a meaningful achievement and I really think that you pulled off giving it the meaning it deserves. There's a few minor errors here and there, but the main ideas were great.