Please review this essay. This is on most common topic of all b-schools - why MBA. I am targetting MBA in finance. Please review it for structure, content, and grammar.
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While working in a US based high-end product company in Bangalore, we, a group of wanting to make it big individuals, mulled upon the idea of starting our own product company. We had this fantastic (at least we thought so) idea of profile management product for recruitment agencies. We conducted some surveys on how companies were managing profiles across different industry and experience segments, and realized there was potential for our product.
We started with big bang, having brainstorming sessions after office hours, having all day long sessions on weekends, and chalking out technical plans etc. But there came our limitation: we had a great idea, we had the motivation, but we did not have clarity on how we are going to manage finance for company. A venture capitalist approved our concept but rejected our plan solely on the ground that we didn't have experience and direction in managing finance for our venture. It all fell apart. People got de-motivated and abandoned the idea. This was defining moment for me.
That moment changed my perspective of what it takes to be successful. A unique business idea can not be translated into successful business unless one has clear picture of all parts of business, especially finance. There were two immediate takeaways from that failure, lack of persuasive skill and knowledge of finance. This got me interested in finance and leadership. I thought working for finance institution will help me gain those all important skills. I joined a European investment bank in Singapore, and I expected it to help me in multiple ways, experience of working in international environment, network with people from various backgrounds, and most importantly gain experience in finance. Though I achieved most of what I set out to -have had opportunity to lead diverse team in terms of race, age and experience, the core finance transition that I was hoping I could make while working for a finance company is not possible in current setting. There are boundaries which lead career in different parallels. Closest I can get to the business is a business analyst role.
An MBA at this stage will help me transition to core finance functions, complementing my leadership and finance experience so far. It will help me overcome those barriers which are associated with technology background. Being from technology background I have strong analytical skills, I will have quicker grasp of finance tools and techniques which require considerable analytical abilities. My leadership experience in multicultural environment can be honed further at an international business school. I believe an MBA will help me put pieces together towards my long term career aspirations. <x school> is renowned for it's finance program, it has all PHD faculty, and is rated as one of the best for personal development and educational experience. These attributes are best fit for my career aspiration.
My short term goal with MBA is to round out my abilities in leadership and finance, network with people of similar interests, leverage vast alumni base for networking and direction. After MBA I would like to work in area of corporate finance to gain thorough understanding of the business, and work my way up in leadership positions. Down the line, probably ten years from now, I want to see myself working as a CFO of medium to large size company.
In long term, utilizing my experience and network, my dream is to start my own finance consultancy which would bridge gap between venture capitalists and start up companies. Idea is to analyze the merit of product plan and translate it into financial terms. This can be extended to small and medium size mergers and acquisitions as well.
I love your first sentence. I suggest dashes and hyphens:
While working in a US based high-end product company in Bangalore, we -- a group of wanting-to-make-it-big individuals -- mulled upon the idea of starting our own product company.
No need for a comma in this one:
We conducted some surveys on how companies were managing profiles across different industry industries and experience segments and realized there was potential for our product.
You can use a colon here:
I thought working for finance institution will would help me gain those all important skills. I joined a European investment bank in Singapore, and I expected it to help me in multiple ways: experience of working in...
very impressive!!
In the long term, utilizing my...
Hi Kevin,
Thank you so much for your invaluable suggestions. I was so caught up with putting together the story that I would have never noticed these mistakes.
I was not sure about dashes(--) usage before, but now I see it is used for stronger punctuation.
Should I use en dash or em dash?
Also, is usage of prantheses ok, or it should be replaced by other markers?
I would appreciate you help on my future essays as well.
I was not sure about dashes(--) usage before, but now I see it is used for stronger punctuation. yeah, a dash is like a big comma! :-) but notice that a hyphen is not like a dash at all. You can connect words together with a hyphen to make new words:
wanting-to-make-it-big
I think parentheses are awesome! I like your use of them: We had this fantastic (at least we thought so) idea... very good
Should I use en dash or em dash?
I don't know what you mean! :-) sorry.
