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IELTS: modern jobs and fast food are the main reasons for increasing average weight among people

Katy Curie 5 / 7 7  
Oct 14, 2014   #1
In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

In the modern world today, it is no doubt that obesity is more and more popular while the levels of health and fitness of people are going down. The first part of the essay will analyze some main causes of these common problems and the second part will discuss some measurements to deal with them.

It is easy to trace the reasons for obesity in modern society nowadays. Firstly, modern technology are supporting the sedentary lifestyle of people. A lot more inventions are applied at offices and at homes, inducing people to live dependently on machines for the office duties and household activities. For example, home automation system now allows people to control every devices in their houses by using personal computer with the Internet. This helps people live more conveniently as they do not need to move for some basic activities such as turning on the lights; but it also discourages people from moving their bodies, which, in turn, contributes to their sluggish habits.

Secondly, the problem of obesity can be addressed to over caloric and under nutritional fast food. Nowadays fast food stores spring up like mushrooms because people are increasing demand for a fast meal in order to tackle their fast modern lives. This situation can be found most obviously in Malaysia, where many fast food franchises have had their bases here. This country is also handling the highest rate of obesity in the world. Therefore, modern technology and fast food are the main reasons for increasing average weight as well as declining health level in people today.

There are, however, some measures to solve these matters. For one, it is advised that people should do more exercises to lose weight and enhance their health. For example, joining an aerobics class every afternoon and taking public transports to offices instead of driving private cars are effective ways to get off a lot of unwanted calories and keep hearts strong. These benefits are against the harms caused by hours of siting in front of computers for work. In addition, people should avoid eating fast food and return to a balanced diet with more nutrition, which are much better for their bodies. Take, high fibrous vegetables and rich-protein meat, for instance. They are both necessary for a balanced healthy life and definitely support a stronger body.

In conclusion, modern life with modern technology and fast food has attributed to sedentary lifestyles as well as unbalanced diet, which cause obesity and decreasing health and fitness levels of people nowadays. Some measures for this could be practicing more exercises and adopting a balanced healthy diet. It is hoped that by taking these measure, people can avoid obesity and get a healthier life.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 15, 2014   #2
Katy, if you will take a serious look at your first paragraph, you will notice that it has several discussions running within it. All with its own specific topics and reasons for being discussed. By doing this, you have endangered the clarity of the essay discussion. In order to present a clear discussion based upon well developed reasons and point of views, you must give each reason its own paragraph.

A paragraph allows you to have a subject for every reason and allows ample room for thought development and discussions of the supporting and opposing sides. By doing this, you will be able to present your ideas in a more coherent manner. Each of your reasons are highly valid and acceptable in an academic discussion. The problem, is that you chose to merely mention these reasons instead of actually letting the readers in on the reasons that each point has helped increase the problem of obesity. You will need to choose only the most important discussions and then discuss these in at least 5 sentences each so that you can show us that you understand the reasons behind the point you are trying to make.

The same problem exists in your second paragraph where you group all of the solutions that you are presenting without thoroughly explaining how you plan to implement these or how you hope it will solve the problem. Again, it would be best to discuss the solution that you feel is the most effective in addressing the problem and then developing your last paragraph body around that.

Your conclusion lost its efficacy because instead of simply giving us a recap of the facts, you presented a new idea and then left it at that. There is absolutely no way that last statement can be accepted as a proper conclusion in any test or research paper.

Needless to say, a revision is in order. I hope will be willing to show the revised version to us so that we can help you with it :-)

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