Monash University Business Information Systems MSC-Scholarship Personal Statement

Hello guys, I just found this forum recently and I find it very helpful. Please take a look at my personal statement for Monash Australia MSC. I already got the University full offer. Now I am shooting for the scholarship. Thanks in advance

Scholarship Personal Statement

Born and raised in Ethiopia, an East African nation formerly known for its famine and drought but now known for its Renaissance Dam project, the greatest hydroelectric power dam in all of Africa, by a blue-collar welder father with only primary education and a monthly wage of less than $10.

Despite their financial struggle, not being educated, unable to assist us in our studies as an educated parent does, they were able to send brother, my sisters, and me to school at the right ages.

Although I spent my childhood in a workshop, my father strongly disapproves of my desire to become a welder. He did so because he understood how important education is to shaping our future. I always wonder how my father grasped the value of education given that he only had a very elementary primary education. Maybe he picked this up from a popular Ethiopian song called "TEMAR LIJE, TEMAR LIJE, WEGEN ZEMED WEDAJ HABT YELEGNM KEJE," which translates literally to "My son, my son, go to school, go to school, I don't have relatives, friends, or money that you will inherit from me" (Alemayehu Eshete).

Despite all the obstacles I had to overcome, I managed to study at a university, earn a BSC in management information systems, and work in the IT sector for the past ten years. With my experience, I have been exposed to different areas of IT such as Computer programming, Network installation, ERP system implementations, web development, system analysis and design, training and user support. My vast experience IT industry helped in building technical, analytical and managerial skills, allowing me to define strengths and weaknesses in my professional career.

I now want to earn a more narrowly focused specialization in the area, which will help me build the advanced professional abilities needed by the IT sector, especially in enterprise business applications.

I am confident that the Monash Master of Business Information Systems (MBIS) program will play a critical role in empowering me in achieving my career aspirations as an IT Consultant, as it will equip me with the management, technical, conceptual, and intellectual skills that the IT industry values most in relation to enterprise business systems and IT project management. Additionally, it would give me the opportunity to use my technical and analytical skills to analyze business environments and IT requirement and problems, providing a new prospect for study and education on business applications.

I am hoping the scholarship committee will find that my qualifications and experience match those of the program. Being given the chance to apply for this scholarship would be an honor. A choice like that will undoubtedly alter my career and life and position me for success in the future.

Without knowing what the scholarship personal statement requirements are, I would have to say that this essay, based on my observation of other scholarship essays, is not one that will catch the attention of the reviewers for one main reason. It does not build up the reasons why the applicant would be a successful masters student. How does the background of the student tie in with the student qualifications that the scholarship program is looking for? A scholarship program always outlines its objectives and certain types of students they opt to sponsor. So the personal statement should reflect that the candidate is a physicality of these requirements. How would the scholarship benefit from your inclusion as a scholar? Why doi you think you stand out as a candidate? What can you add to the pool of scholars? Why would this contribution be important to the scholarship program?

I do not get a sense of these expectations from this presentation, which is the reason why I do not believe it will be an effective presentation for the scholarship application. These are observations I have made without knowing if a writing prompt was given to the student to serve as a guide in writing his PS. Had one been provided, then it should have been included in this presentation.

@alex2022
Sorry not including the outlines.
Scholarships are awarded to highly ranked students who can demonstrate their potential to be an exceptional Ambassador for Monash.
Outline the details of your future aspirations and how your Monash degree will help you achieve your vision.*
You can explain how previous leadership roles or community activities have informed this vision. This statement should not focus on your academic achievements or the financial benefit of the scholarship. Your statement must not exceed 500 words.