Hello, this is a personal statment. They wanted me to talk about hardships, etc. that I have worked through to go to college. Its very different for me to write about myself...could any of you please look over this? This is my first draft:
University of Michigan
Personal Statement
Andrea Knicole Gill
When I was a child I had the unique opportunity of being able to travel to various places around the world. Both of my parents were in the military and so I grew accustomed to having to move every so many years. I spent most of my youth living outside of the United States. We spent a very small amount of time in Korea, three years in Germany, ten years in England, and three years in Japan as well as several months in between each time period in California. Despite having been to so many various places, I believe my stay in Japan was the most memorable for me. Of all the places I had been to it was the most unique. Since my parents never really liked to live in military housing, we always lived off post and so I was able to experience many things that other military children were unable to. I remember taking part in the various festivals and was able to make several Japanese friends. I believe that these positive experiences with such a foreign culture compared to my own are why I gravitated towards wanting to learn Japanese later in my life.
Even though I was able to spend some time learning about the language and the culture of the Japanese while in Japan, I was unable to continue my learning due to having to move so often. The schools that I went to didn't offer Japanese language and cultural opportunities on Asia were not offered at all. On occasion, when cultural classes were offered, the classes were on the basics of calligraphy, ikebana, and the repetition of basic phrases. When my parents chose to leave the military we moved to Tennessee because we have family here. I was pleased to learn that the University of Tennessee offered Japanese courses. I was set on taking Japanese as soon as I got into college but I had to overcome several roadblocks before attending the University. One of these roadblocks was a learning disability.
I was diagnosed with a math learning disability when I was in the fourth grade, I had always received help for this, even while in England, but when I returned to the United States the high school that I attended did not have a sufficient program for my needs. They doubted whether I actually had a disability since they were unable to receive my records from England and put no effort into contacting my previous schools in California. Because of this I received almost no help and was unable to pass the state math test (TCAP) for graduation and was instead offered a Special Education Diploma for the class of 1999. Feeling defeated I accepted the Diploma only to find out that I could not attend the University with it. I decided to go into the military only to find they too wouldn't accept me. Having lost my goals in life I started working at a fast food restaurant, I married my boyfriend of two years at this time, and I didn't know what I really wanted to do, I felt lost and miserable that all my plans were being turned into one disappointment after another. My husband started college but then decided it wasn't for him and dropped out. I was disappointed in this situation as well and grew very depressed. My saving grace came in the form of a previous teacher who knew of my situation. She believe that I deserved a higher opportunity and arranged for me to be able to meet with a state funded tutor and for two years I studied and was finally able to pass the test and was given a final Diploma with the class of 2001. After so many years of worry and work I believe that I lost myself and my goals and so, even though I could now attend college, I instead joined the military. It was while I served in the military that I found myself again. I was stationed in Germany for two years and while there I was reintroduced to Japanese by a friend. He had taken Japanese at his high school. I was thrilled when I found that I actually remembered some phrases and could still write a little in Hiragana and could read some of the simple words in magazines that he loaned to me. He began to teach me some of the grammar and gave me his old study books. I decided that no matter what, when I got out of the military, I was going to go to college and learn Japanese. But, as I was slowly beginning to realize, things don't seem to really work out the way I plan them too. It was around this time that I also found out that I was pregnant.
By this time my husband and I realized that we had conflicting ideas on life and how to raise a child. We divorced. He left me with sole custody of the child but unfortunately the military will not allow a single mother to serve. I was discharged from the military earlier than I intended. As a newly single mother I was scared and unsure of the future. Luckily for me I have a loving family who took me in and has helped me to raise my daughter for the last five years of her life while I have been in college. I didn't start college until after her first year of life and then began to take classes at my local community college. It was there that I met my current husband, a Japan fanatic, who helped me with my math and, later, my Japanese. He also happily and wholly took over the role of fatherhood. When I was finally able to attend the University of Tennessee I began my formal study of Japanese. I still have issues with math and I am a little slower when it comes to memorization of Kanji and certain grammar points, I believe that this is due, in part, to my disability. I have accepted that I am a little slower but I work very hard to improve myself. During my first year of University I also began to study Buddhism and I took an extreme interest in an offshoot of the Shingon school of Buddhism known as Shugendo. I decided to work towards a minor in Religious Studies and have successfully done so. I decided to pursue graduate study at the University of Michigan because my religious studies professor, Dr. Rachelle Scott, based on my unique interests and hard work, suggested the University to me. I looked into the Graduate departments for Asian studies and Asian Languages and Cultures and decided that the latter would be the best fit for me as it is my goal to move beyond the M.A. degree. My family and I are very excited at the prospect of joining your University; we consider my acceptance to the college as being an acceptance of the entire family. My daughter starts her first year of Kindergarten this fall and she is very excited, she can't wait for the day to come when she can go to college too.
Hi Andrea!
Due to the fact that you've written such a nice essay, I was actually disappointed with your first sentence. Everyone says "When I was a child", "I was interested in XYZ since I was a kid"...stuff like that. You can do so much better. It's all right that you want to talk about your childhood, but use a different sentence -- one which is not a cliche.
P.S. You are brave woman. Good luck! Hope you get admitted :)
Thank you!
I will work on that first sentance and try to make something that pops out like no other.
When I was a child I had the unique opportunity of being able to travel to various places around the world. Both of my parents were in the military, and so I grew accustomed to having to move every so many years.
I spent most of my youth living outside of the United States. We spent a very small amount of time in Korea, three years in Germany, ten years in England, and three years in Japan as well as several months in between each time period in California. Despite having been to so many various places, I believe my stay in Japan was the most memorable for me.--- when you say this, it makes me wonder what the essay is about. I did not think this was going to be an essay about Japan.
You have a great way of writing! I don't know if you have a learning disability in math. You might just be a verbal/auditory thinker.. a language person, like me. I am not good at math either, but I am good at language, like you. I like this sentence:
By this time my husband and I realized that we had conflicting ideas on life and how to raise a child. We divorced. -----I mean, I'm sorry about the divorce, but I like the way you give a two word sentence: we divorced.
He left me with sole custody of the child, but unfortunately the military will would not allow a single mother to serve. I was discharged from the military earlier than I intended.
This is one of my favorite essays. It really feels authentic and sincere. I am glad to have caught a glimpse of your interesting life. I hope you take some classes about learning disabilities, because it is important that you know they are just things people say to label themselves. We all have learning disabilities. Keep up your practice -- language, shodo, shugendo.
I'm glad you are participating in EssayForum!
I was really enjoy while I was reading your essay. I really like the whole information in it and I really appreciate a woman like you. :)
Would you be interested in hiring a professional to revise your essay? There are ways to improve the overall impact of your personal statement. If you'd like, I'd like to work with you on this.
When I was a child I had the unique opportunity of being able to travel to various places around the world as a child . Both ofM y parents were in the military,and so moving every now and then became a regular part of life . I grew accustomed to having to move every so many years.I spent most of my youthGrowing up, life centered around the languages and cultures of other nations, andliving outside of the United States.each place that I visited left an everlasting impression.We spent a very small amount of time in Korea, three years in Germany, ten years in England, and three years in Japan as well as several months in between each time period in California.Despite having been to so many various places, I believe my stay inNone, however, compares to my life-changing experiences in (Okinawa?) Japan . the most memorable for me.Of all the places I had been to it was the most unique.The richness of Japanese history and culture struck me aswasthe mostuniqueinspirational . Since my parents never really liked to live in military housing, we always lived off post and so I was able to experience many things that other military children were unable to.I remember taking part inI forged with local friends and teachersvarious festivals and was able to make several Japanese memories that I shared withthat prompted an undying passion for Japanese society. These treasured memories would not only guide me later on in life, but it would also save me from despair . I believe that these positive experiences with such a foreign culture compared to my own are why I gravitated towards wanting to learn Japanese later in my life.
I also grew up in Japan as a dependent in the military, so we can relate to each other's experiences. I made substantive changes to your introduction, but I hope you agree that this carries a greater emotional impact. We can continue to fill in the gaps later. Let me know if you approve or not.
Here is the passage without markings (easier to read and assess):
I had the unique opportunity to travel the world as a child. My parents were in the military, so moving every now and then became a regular part of life. Growing up, life centered on the languages and cultures of other nations, and each place that I visited left an everlasting impression. None, however, compares to my life-changing experiences in (Okinawa?) Japan. The richness of Japanese history and culture struck me as the most inspirational. I forged bonds with local friends and teachers that prompted an undying passion for Japanese society. These treasured memories would not only guide me later on in life, but it would also save me from despair.
Edited:
PS - Hope to hear from you soon.
Possible revisions for the last sentence:
1) These treasured memories would not only guide me later on in life, but they would also save me from despair.
or
2) These treasured memories not only guided me later on in life, but they also saved me from despair.
