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MSc Data Analytics - Admission Essay (supplemental)

astridglo 1 / -  
Apr 20, 2020   #1
I'm currently applying to masters in Applied Data Analytics , and I need help to make my essay stands out more and meet the word limit requirement (283 to 250).

This is a supplemental essay, so it will revolve solely on my experience with data & analytics. I have detailed background and my motivation of joining the program in a separate academic Statement of Purpose.

Looking forward to your feedback, and thank you in advance :)

Describe a challenge related to data or analytics that you have encountered.

How did you resolve this challenge, and did you succeed? (250 words)

In January 2019, my grandmother, who has a heart disease and lives alone, fell from her bed and fractured her tailbone. Luckily, my family got there fast enough and my grandmother recovered after 2 weeks of intensive care. But I believe that second chances are rare, so I was determined to build a prevention system to ensure the safety and well-being of my grandmother.

I immediately equipped my grandmother with a Samsung Smartwatch, which already comes with a motion sensor, and built a fall detection system with Google Firebase. Every millisecond, her motion acceleration data & timestamp will be transmitted to Firebase cloud, and stored as a JSON integer. Whenever she falls, the motion data value would exceed a certain threshold, which will trigger a call to 911 and a push notification to my family members, along with my grandmother's real-time GPS data.

I also built a system to monitor her real-time heart condition. Every millisecond, the heart rate sensor data in the smartwatch are stored in Firebase. Using the GraphView library, I enabled a visualization of every raw JSON data into a readable graph, so registered family members can easily observe my grandmother's daily heart condition. I also set up a threshold to notify my grandmother whenever she needs some rest, based on her heart rate value.

Today, I have published 3 journals on my Smartwatch Application, which has been appreciated in several international conferences. Most importantly, I have witnessed first-hand how a simple array of heartbeat and motion data can drastically improve my family's life. By obtaining an education in the Applied Data Analytics program, I look forward to transforming the lives of many others with the beauty of data and analytics.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,513 2957  
Apr 21, 2020   #2
Compress the systems you built. Both systems should only comprise one paragraph. Your essay ran too long because of the repetitive descriptions for the two systems. Use the combined paragraph to shorten the word count. You don't need to detail your grandmother's accident either.

A simply mention that she had a stint in the ICU after fall triggered the idea for the designs. The word requirement needs you to focus the details on the more important information. Mention the 3 publications, dates, and conference titles and dates. That is what makes the supplemental essay even more impressive and noteworthy.

Discuss a summary of the articles, the reader reception, and conference results. These changes should shorten the essay while highlighting notable data based on your professional experience.

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