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Graduate   Posts: 7

MSc Sports Technology in Germany - My motivation for this pursuing this degree


Electrick 1  
May 3, 2018   #1
The motivational letter shall explain your interest for the main subject areas of the Master┬┤s degree, your motives for commencing the studies and your medium-term professional goals

I am hoping to get some insight and opinions into the motivational letter that I have drafted.
-Am I weak in certain areas....did I fail to adequately address something from the prompt?
-Should I add, develop further, or remove any information?
-I wrote 'the' German Sport Uni on a few occations...it sounds better to me speaking it that way, but does it look ok in writing?

-Do all letters of motivation need a salutation and closing?

Additional ideas and/or opinions are greatly appreciated! Thank you for taking the time to read and reply.

*********

My interest in movement and sport performance began to blossom during my undergraduate studies in my anatomy and physiology courses. I was fascinated by the mechanics of different muscles and bones working together. More specifically, I wanted to discover how to maximize efficiency and safety in exercise and training. Later, I developed my understanding of human ergonomics while becoming an emergency medical technician. Now, after spending the last three years pursuing my passions of language and travel, I have an increasing drive to strengthen my knowledge in sport performance, and to build a career helping others achieve the best version of themselves, physically and mentally.

As a youth athletics coach and sports counselor for many years, I have forged strong leadership skills that promote relationships and allow for wholistic athlete development. Building such relationships is important in any field, but I want my ability to help to be rooted in methodical approach, researched plans, and extensive understanding of the many factors that improve performance. I found myself unable to offer patients and athletes this area of expertise, which fuels me to learn and study at the graduate level. This program will provide me with depth, and a powerful understanding of these concepts. The biomechanics module is of particular interest because it will take an extensive look into the relationships between the body and various sporting technology, which would give me a foundation in identifying unique strategies for specific individuals. And by combining this knowledge with later modules of advanced research methods and application, I will acquire the skills necessary to provide future patients and athletes with goal-oriented, contoured plans that maximize potential and results.

Beyond the research-based courses that the Human Technology program offers, the German Sport University (GSU) has many sport facilities and top-level research labs where I will be able to take the skills learned in the classroom and apply them in the real-world. From the gym to the lab to the track, I will have every opportunity to engage with my studies and my passion for sports. As a student at GSU, I will also be a part of a diverse student body, able to share languages and stories and develop relationships through the mutual joy of studying and practicing sports. I often say I have five great passions: sports, travel, language, meeting people, and working with kids. And with events like K├ÂlnerKinderUni and connections to the Move-It Sportcamps, GSU gives me the opportunity to pursue all of my passions and have various outlets of motivation and joy during my studies.

I want to not only pursue my passions, but share them with others. A career helping others achieve their athletic goals, specifically through the understanding of the relationships between body and sporting technology, will allow me to do just that. The German Sport University is the ideal institution for my studies because it provides an environment where I can grow academically with classes that align directly with my career goals, socially at the largest sport university in Europe, and personally as I can pursue my other passions alongside my studies. I bring to GSU the same excitement, drive and commitment that led me out of a broken home, that took me to forty countries, that helped me learn four languages, and that give me the foundation to be successful in my next pursuit: a Master's graduate from the German Sport University.

forsil 5  
May 5, 2018   #2
Hi Elecktric,

I am new on the forum, I'll try to answer to some of your question:

"-Should I add, develop further, or remove any information?"
All in all, I think it is a very good essay, I don't think you should remove any information, maybe you can develop further more your "medium-term professional goals". For example it's not clear to me how do you see yourself professionally in 3-5 years after the MSc: you say that "I will acquire the skills necessary to provide future patients and athletes [..]", this means that you do you see yourself as a sportive medical technician? Maybe you should state it more directly.

I wrote 'the' German Sport Uni
It sounds to me better without "the" - not sure about that

"Do all letters of motivation need a salutation and closing"
I've looked at some motivational essay for MBA programs (for which I would like to apply) and they are organised in a very similar way to your essay

I hope I was helpful

S
OP Electrick 1  
May 6, 2018   #3
Definitely helpful :) I had that feeling in regards to the mid-term professional goal...that I hadn't expanded enough. My problem is, however, that I do not know the exact role i will assume because I would be comfortable in a variety of positions related to athletic training and testing. So this is why i was a little vague in my essay; it's probably better to give the school an actual position I am aiming for, though. Thanks for the heads up!!

And I'll look into the 'salutation and closing' concern a bit more...

Anyone else have some additional comments or ideas for improving this draft? I really do appreciate the help :)
Holt [Contributor] 1595  
May 6, 2018   #4
Ryan, based on the essay that you wrote and the uncertainty of your response to Silvia, it is obvious that you need to redirect the essay to respond to the 3 most basic elements required of a motivational letter. The motivational letter has a 3 point purpose. The purposes are:

1. To show an academic need on your part for higher study;
2. To prove a professional purpose or goal for your intensified training in this field
3. To explain the integration of the academic and professional learning reasons in your future career development.

While your essay informs the reviewer. It remains vague in terms of the 3 important and required aspects. You need to prove that you have a future career path in mind, whether that is the actual path you want to take or not, as part of your motivational letter. Only people with significant career purposes get considered for admission because these are people who the reviewer sees as having a definite need for professional development through academic achievement. Right now, your motivational letter, which by the way is in the correct format, does not show that purpose.

Show that you are a determined professional by explaining what is it about your current profession that motivated you towards higher learning. What academic goals do you hope to achieve? How does that relate to your professional development or change in career path (if ever that is your purpose). Your letter is so long, but not really informative in the required manner.

While this is called a motivation letter, it should follow the presentation of an essay. It does not really require an opening and closing salutation since you do not know whom to address the letter to. Sticking to the basic essay format for the presentation will not hurt. Now, if you know specifically where to address the letter, then go ahead an use the letter format. Otherwise, the essay format is acceptable to all reviewers.

In response to your use of the word "The" in reference to the university, since you are connecting the name of the university to a previous statement, the use of the connecting word "the" is a required part of proper written grammar presentation. So you were right to do that.
OP Electrick 1  
May 6, 2018   #5
@Holt
I was looking forward to your invaluable input!! Thank you for the review and comments. As Silvia also mentioned, I am seeing the lack of explanation in regards to specific career outlook and need for further education.

To show an academic need on your part for higher study>> "...I found myself unable to offer patients and athletes this area of expertise, which fuels me to learn and study at the graduate level." My intention in this paragraph was to establish my need for more education, how I discovered this need, and how the program offers specific courses that will address that need and advance my career development. Do you advise that I expand further, or perhaps restructure the paragraph entirely?

In several of my readings of your other motivation letter reviews on EssayForum, you comment on length and brevity (staying on topic with relevant and direct information related to personal, professional and academic factors) when writing the motivation letter. You mentioned about this draft: "Your letter is so long..;" would my letter be better served in a shorter version? What information should I remove or consolidate?

This letter of motivation will be submitted via an online portal on the University website, yet I do happen to know the office address because I have sent my transcripts and undergrad degree by post-mail. So I wasn't sure if online submissions should be addressed! But that is definitely good insight!

And finally, thanks again! I have tried to read as many of the motivation letter reviews that you've provided and they are always insightful and constructive! I will adapt my current draft with both Sylvia's comments and yours and post a revised draft in the thread :)
forsil 5  
May 6, 2018   #6
@Holt your suggestion will be very helpful also to me :)

One more suggestion that I can give it to you about this part:

To show an academic need on your part for higher study>> "...I found myself unable to offer patients and athletes this area of expertise, which fuels me to learn and study at the graduate level." My intention in this paragraph was to establish my need for more education, how I discovered this need, and how the program offers specific courses that will address that need and advance my career development. Do you advise that I expand further, or perhaps restructure the paragraph entirely?

Maybe you should try to link your academic need more on your future goal and your career path instead of linking them to something you were not able to do in the past.

Regarding the career path, I think you should try to identify one of the possible role you could assume and convince the reviewers that this is what you would absolutely want to do (at the end, doesn't matter if you are actually open to other possibility, you will have all the time to change your mind during the MSc :) )
OP Electrick 1  
May 6, 2018   #7
"Maybe you should try to link your academic need more on your future goal and your career path."

That is a very good point. I do like showing how the need for further education arose, but I definitely agree with explaining how this program will serve my career plans. And speaking of career plans, as both you and @Holt noted, I should give a clearer idea of what that looks like even if it is not the path I'll end up taking down the line. I think adding a direct profession/position I can see myself in will give them more confidence in my motivation, and my application overall. I'll try finishing up a new draft with some changed syntax and clearer career goals and how those goals intersect with my academic pursuit. Thanks a bunch :) Be in touch!


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