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Navy OCS Motivational Statement; 'Risks are the essence of success'


judas 4 / 21 2  
Mar 24, 2014   #1
Hi All,

I'm writing a motivational statement and could use some help in getting this focused and cutting down some fat. Any assistance is greatly appreciated. See below for prompt and statement:

1) Why do I want to join the Navy? What evidence is there that I will enjoy being in the Navy and be able to stay motivated, overcome the challenges, etc..

2) Will I serve the Navy well? What evidence is there that I can adapt to and overcome challenging situations / stressful environments. Also, what experiences can I draw upon in order to be a good leader, etc.

Risks are the essence of success and I come from a family that has had to take major risks in order to bring me to the place I am today. Despite the dangers and fears of leaving one's native country, my grandparents crossed the border from Mexico to the United States to provide a better future for their children. My immediate and extended family members then served as enlisted men and women, sacrificing their lives as my grandparents did, so that their children would have more opportunities. I wish to serve as an Officer of the Navy to not only continue the sacrifice and commitment made by my family, but to also serve as a leader that inspires my family's future generations.

My father proudly served two tours in the Marine Corps, and this shaped his character's strong sense of justice. He was committed to my success and he worked very hard so that I could become something more than ordinary. Though his life was brief, the impact and values he taught me continue to be my biggest source of inspiration. His stories of duty, camaraderie, and honor continuously reinforce my sense of patriotism and desire to serve within the U.S. Armed Forces.

Because my family has served in all branches of the U.S. Armed Forces, their experiences have been helpful in my selection process for service. The stories that resonated with me the most are the ones about the Navy. As an enlisted Navy man, my Uncle Bobby traveled the world. After he completed his service, he attended USC and graduated with a BA. I believe his success is due to the expansion of his global perspective, which he gained while serving in the Navy.

I earned my bachelor's degree from New York University (NYU) in 2012. I graduated top of my class as an NYU Honors Scholar. During college, I learned how to be self-sufficient and, despite the distance, I found ways to strengthen the bond between my family and me. I realized how the older and younger generations of my family did not communicate well due to a language barrier. The older members spoke Spanish while the younger ones spoke only English. I took a stand for my family when I studied abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina and learned how to speak Spanish, my family's native language. From my travels I bridged a generation gap within my family and I gained an enlightened sense of myself. I understand that the Navy prides itself for its strong sense of courage and community. I hope to strengthen those qualities for myself and share them with the rest of my family.

After studying abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina, I served as a Global Ambassador in the Study Abroad Program at NYU. As a Global Ambassador, I learned valuable skills: time management, research, organizing, strategic thinking, outreach and teambuilding. The most rewarding aspect, however, was conversing with incoming study abroad students. Most of the students had fears and anxieties of being so far away from family and acclimating into a new culture. As I shared my fears as an incoming student and then my actual experience, the fears and anxieties of the students disappeared. I found that the reward I received as a Global Ambassador was that I dedicated myself to a higher purpose: to ensure that the incoming students had a safe and memorable experience. As an Officer, I realize that my success depends on the success of others and the unit as a whole. I believe my time at NYU helped in chipping away my selfishness and I look forward to dedicating myself to others as an Officer.

I believe my adaptability and passion for technology makes me a great asset to the Navy. As a computer programmer, I have a strong understanding of analytical skills and numerous computer-programming languages. Though my focus is in C and Java, I maintain knowledge of other aspects of computer technology: the logistics of DNS, how to maintain a web server, and most importantly, how to communicate these concepts to everyday people who do not understand the technological vocabulary.

Though I am well versed in technology, I understand that without a larger purpose, my skills are meaningless. I can continue on my path of education and work an ordinary office job. That type of ordinary living does not appeal me. I wish to serve a purpose that will allow me to contribute to my family and country. For this reason, I believe serving as a Naval Officer will help me fulfill both desires.

My family's dedication and courage are my motivating factors to serve as an Officer. I am aware the commitment will be extremely demanding, challenging, and ultimately incredibly rewarding. I look forward to the experience from an intellectual as well as social point of view. I hope to learn and grow as an individual and in service to my country. Risks are the key to success. I am willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to continue and advance my family's legacy.

Cl0ark0 1 / 10 2  
Mar 24, 2014   #2
Wow, an outstanding essay! I did not noticed any errors in your paper. Good job.
unnatch 1 / 3  
Mar 25, 2014   #3
Hey Judas
Its a really well balanced essay :) Excellent! No errors found!
Good luck :)
OP judas 4 / 21 2  
Mar 30, 2014   #4
Hi All,

I wrote another draft. I could use help pinpointing where I can add more Navy specific details (what makes Navy OCS unique, why can't I get that type of training anywhere else, etc.). Of course, all other feedback is welcome too. Below is the prompt followed by my new draft:

Why do I want to join the Navy? What evidence is there that I will enjoy being in the Navy and be able to stay motivated, overcome challenges, etc.

Will I serve the Navy well? What evidence is there that I can adapt to and overcome a challenging situation or stressful environment. Also, what experiences can I draw upon in order to be a good leader.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Mar 30, 2014   #5
You write well. You are good at constructing sentences, mechanics, vocabularies etc.. I didn't notice major mistakes for this writing

Risks are the essence of success and I come from a family that has had to take major risks in order (delete: in order) to bring me to the place I am today

The word 'in order' can be deleted or replaced by 'so as to'.

my adaptability and passion for technology makes

Write 'make'. Subject-verb agreement.

larger purpose

Write 'whole'. 'Whole' collocates with 'purpose'

technological vocabulary

technology vocabulary | technical/specialized vocabulary

Hope this helps :D


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