Ohio State University-"Chemistry can be a solution to many global problems"

Prompt: Why are you interested in Ohio State University? Limit:300. Right now I have well over that.

A man named Kenichi Fukui once said, "Chemistry itself knows altogether too well that - given the real fear that the scarcity of global resources and energy might threaten the unity of mankind - chemistry is in a position to make a contribution towards securing a true peace on earth." This is completely true and blends in with my philosophy as well. If we do not understand the importance of the fundamental building blocks of life-Chemistry-then our growth of knowledge on how to make the world a cleaner and efficient place through green technologies, biofuels, and innovative medicine will end. Yet if we have radical thinkers then our growth is infinite. I want to be one of those radical thinkers.

My passion for Chemistry originally came from the aspirations my mother once had, but never accomplished. Twenty years ago, my mother was studying molecular science in Odessa, Ukraine. My mother's research project and institution was no longer being funded because during that same year, the Perestroika was happening that was quickly changing the market. The older I became, the more exciting information my mother told me about the goals she once had; her passion ultimately infused into me. I became more aware of what a degree in Chemistry can do for our community, especially in these troubling times of Economics when conserving energy is a crucial task to endeavor & implore.

During my junior year, being a part of the local Science Olympiad and applying many key concepts, along with a Chemistry teacher that brought "bland" points to life through demonstration, my interest in studying Chemistry was reaffirmed. And I knew it would be a viable profession for my future. Around this time, my search for a balanced approach of science education simmered to a standstill when I came across UIUC's chemistry department which focused on tuning analytical skills in areas such as molecular sciences, while also giving opportunities for students to go to a materials research laboratory and experience problem-solving firsthand. With the knowledge I acquire at the University of Illinois and being a part of the club to share my unwavering interests with individuals such as I, I hope to become a Chemical analyst at companies like Nalco or Abbot and apply what I learn from college to hopefully change unsettling rudimentary aspects in our community to make life just a bit easier and efficient.

How can I make my essay stand out more? What am I missing? Grammar/punctuation & shortening would be much appreciated as well! Thank you.

Your essay already stands out. By my estimation, you really have a poignant concept and a great presentation... and the fact that you are continuing the work of your mother makes it even more inspirational.

Here is a little grammar error:
My mother's research project and institution were...

And I'll move a comma:
no longer being funded, because during that same year the...

In my search for a college that can help me achieve my goals, I came across Ohio State University for the nation-wide known Chemistry department. I think this sentence could be revised to include a great concept... something to catch the reader's interest. As it is, this sentence is a little boring.

Use a comma:
I am still growing in my knowledge, and I hope to become a part of the Chemistry club in...

Very impressive! :-)

Thank you Kevin for the inspirational words! What would you suggest on the lines of catching the reader's interest more? Can you give me an example of what i would replace the crossed our portion? Thank you.

It has to be one of those excellent sentences that makes you feel a certain energy when you write it...
Some sentences are just great... you can feel the intrigue they create...

I'll look at this new version.


You could be more specific and say, "A scientist named..."


I like this, and at the beginning of the next paragraph it would be perfect to get very specific. This concept is general and dramatic. The next concept should be a specific statement about your specific interests and intentions.


Actually, this works. Very good.

Try to find space in the essay to be very specific about the books and articles you have been reading. I hope you will mention at least one book or article published in the past 4 years.

This is very good!

Whenever you take away a sentence that does not help achieve your purpose, you strengthen all the sentences that do help to achieve your purpose. When you need to cut content, go back to think about the purpose you are trying to achieve.

I this essay, you have ALL strong content, and I don't want to cut any of it! However, you can take the important ideas from that big last paragraph and mention them in the preceding paragraphs. I think that big last para has got to be omitted... and the essay will be stronger. If there is anything in that big paragraph you really want to include, mention it in the other paragraphs.

:-)