Hi, I am now applying for the master of finance program. Here is an essay required by Olin business school. I want some suggestions.
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At Olin, we aim to know every student by name and story. Please share your journey with us and why the pursuit of this degree is the right decision for you. (500-word maximum)
olin on my path
When I entered college, I started trading stocks myself and made my first pot of gold in the 2015 Chinese bull market. After nearly four years of study, I deem it an unprecedented opportunity to deepen my expertise in Finance in this fast changing capital markets and fulfill my life ambitions in the future.
Studying in XX laid a solid foundation in knowledge and learning ability. I obtained A-level grades in both math related courses and finance related courses. Additionally, I completed several programming courses, such as R and Java, and achieved excellent marks. In the university, I was fortunate to join in a research project investigating stock analysts' traits and their forecasts, through which I found myself not best fitted for academic-oriented work but more adaptable to be an industry practitioner that combines abstract theorem with practical situations. In the meantime, this experience forged my sense of rigor and perseverance which will always be cherished in my later lifetime.
I spare no effort to pave the way for future career. My first internship in a local bank let me realize I have more ambition than just doing work that is standard and routinized. However, in the process of reviewing a loan application mostly by human judgement, I was aware that to effectively address the bad debt ratio concern for most Chinese banks, the risk control system of them should be innovated via more quantitative approaches. Simultaneously, from books and media reports I came to know that US stands on the frontier of utilizing quantitative methods in financial risks control. That was when I confirmed my determination to gain a global insight. In the last two years of my college, I accumulated internships in a big four company and famous securities in China, quickly aligning myself to industry practice. From these experiences, I am enlightened that different parts in the finance industry are closely related to each other. For example, skills of interpreting financial accounts and processing Excel gained in Big 4's auditing work are still helpful later when doing the stress test to evaluate the risk faced by asset management company. After tryouts in various fields, I hope to devote to investment analysis or fund management. The logic of security research and the thrill of identify a promising stock is what I am always pursuing. Meanwhile, I firmly believe my past experience in both sell-side and buy-side and familiarity with both front office and middle office will promote my competency as a financial analyst.
I have heard of Olin's reputation for a long time because it is in cooperation with XX School of Management. The program serves as the essential next step toward my future. The well-structured curriculum offers students required courses aimed to deepen their understanding of financial markets and instruments in practical situations, and this is exactly that I am lacking in as an undergraduate. Furthermore, the highly quantitative elective options may open a new world to me and allow me to transform Chinese financial industry in the future. Above all, I am fully convinced that Olin's practical and professional orientation will facilitate my entry into the financial field and I am looking forward to be a member of the MSF program.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Qianmei , there are some points that you need to remove and some points that need to be developed in your essay. Let me start with the points that need to be removed:
1. Simultaneously, from books and media reports... global insight. - You must focus only on telling the story within China for now. The USA insight takes attention away from your skills and understanding development of the needs of your own country in the field of stocks and trades.
2. For example, skills of interpreting financial accounts ...After tryouts in various fields, - Don't lecture the reviewer. He knows more than you do. This line sounds like you are showing off.
3.Meanwhile, I firmly believe my past experience... financial analyst. - Don't make assumptions that you might not be able to prove once you are a student already. It would be best to let your transcript do the talking for you in this aspect.
4. I have heard ... member of the MSF program. - The reviewer is only asking for the growth or development of your interest in this field within the discussion, the choice of university doesn't factor into the essay.
The next list will be items you need to expand or improve upon:
1. math related courses and finance related courses - Although you delivered your transcript with your application, it would be best if you remind them of the highlights of your transcript. So mentioning your highest GPA score in specific classes is a good idea at this point.
2. was fortunate to join in a research project ... will always be cherished in my later lifetime.- Revise the paragraph to include the results of the research as well as the self discovery of the field you actually belong to within this occupation.
3. local bank - What bank was this and how long did you intern there?
4. in a big four company and famous securities - which were? In order to make these claims valid, verifiable information must be included
If you follow the instructions above, your essay will turn into a final copy that best responds to the information expected by the reviewer. Good luck with your application.
Hello,
What you discuss here is mainly risk management. Are you sure that you want to complete a MSF program or a risk management one? If MSF, you will need to discuss more about your future goals in finance. What specifically do you want to do with the degree? Investment banking, Sales and Trading, Operations exactly what? I liked the fact that you made sure to mention that you have experience with computer applications and programming as that is indeed the direction that finance is heading. The last thing I suggest that you do here is tie some unique factors of the OLIN experience to what you want to do in the future. - Admissions Track
