One page essay explaining why you are requesting reevaluation

Guys please check below part and write me some comments and help me out with writing one page essay.!
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A Master of Science through the Baruch will allow me to expand my abilities towards pursuing my ultimate goal of being a certified public accountant. Concentrating in accounting will help me gain the theoretical knowledge and provide important strategies and techniques in areas such as strategic management, business operations, and valuable management principles. I will also have the opportunity to work with international students, learn from peers through team based projects and demonstrate my leadership abilities. The program will help me increase my work efficiency and give me a solid background to achieve my final goal of being a Certified Public Accountant

I have had applied for the Spring 2010 to pursue MS in Accounting but my Graduate Management Test score did not suffice the criteria for application. Since then, being determined to be enrolled in the Zicklin School of business, I have been working hard to achieve the score of 600 for the test. I have also taken two classes worth six credits for Master of Accounting at Long Island University with a GPA of 3.86

Zicklin being the largest business school and the only CUNY unit accredited by the AACSB-International Association for Management Education in the United States has always been my first choice to get a degree in Accounting. The faculty at the business school is large, distinguished and diverse which will help me gain knowledge and master the field of accounting.

Thank you guys for your help .. :)

Obtaining a Master of Science through Baruch College... My concentration in accounting will help me gain...

expand my abilities toward... I don't think these words work well together.
A Master of Science through the Baruch will enable me to expand my abilities and work towards pursuing my ultimate goal of being a certified public accountant.

But is this your ultimate goal, or is it your short term goal? I think it is your short term goal. Your ultimate goal is probably something more than just the job you want to have...

I think you should call it your short term goal, and that will suggest to the reader that you have big aspirations for the future.

You forgot to end this sentence with a period:
to achieve my final goal of being a Certified Public Accountant
And again, i don't think being a CPA is your final goal. Maybe your final goal is to become spiritually enlightened or to serve your country or make your family prosper...

Oops, here is a typo:
I have had applied for the ...

:-)

The ending is a little boring and simplistic. It would be fascinating to hear about the other schools you considered and what makes this school the best. It would be fascinating to get a glimpse of what you are all about. This essay is still a little too general, but I think 1 or 2 good sentences about your unique approach and personal philosophy can help a lot.

Thank you @ Ashraf

Hey Kevin,
Thanks for the response...I think it would have been nice if you formed a sentence or even two rather than having 15 line suggestions...lol...JK...Thank you for the remarks..This is just a very rough draft so I shall be posting the final one soon. Thank you once again..!

jay11

Ha ha, yeah, I think nobody messes up the English language as much as I do in these threads...

:-)