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Here is my optional essay for Carey Business school. I need your advice.

doutiantian 3 / 12 8  
Dec 31, 2015   #1
Please describe three of your primary strengths and how those strengths have been put into action for the betterment of the communities or businesses you have served or endeavors you have pursued. Also share one area in need of improvement and the steps you have taken to improve within that area. (250 words maximum)

The three strengths of mine are enthusiastic, hard-working and devoted, which can be represented by the volunteering work that I have dedicated myself to throughout my undergraduate years. I took the initiative to communicate with the person in charge of RuiHaiBo Gerontal Rehabilitation Center in Nanjing and worked out a plan to organize students in the Young Volunteers Association to help the elderly there regularly. As an enthusiast leader and with a true heart to serve, I went there on a weekly basis, even several times a week. What is more, I not only spent my whole time there accompanying them, watching TV or chatting, but also contacted them in a most earnest way whenever I have time, which proves my strong sense of responsibility and hard work. More importantly, devoted to this volunteering work, I took into my heart the likes and dislikes of the elderly people. For instance, I learned from my communication with a grandpa that he likes pecans. Therefore, I brought pecans from my hometown which is famous for pecans. Whenever I went back to my hometown, I would bring several packages to the grandpa. These three strengths which I have cultivated through these years helped me excel in the volunteering work and contribute to the betterment of the community that I served.

Nevertheless, though I have a good command of communication skills, sometimes I seem to be a bit aggressive in my areas of expertise. I asked for suggestions from my teachers and family, and listened to their feedbacks patiently and humbly. Later on, I gradually remedied this shortcoming.:-D

Thank you for your suggestions :-D

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Dec 31, 2015   #2
Siyu, when you discuss the three strengths, offer one paragraph for each strength so that you can properly develop an example and explanation of how you used that strength. Remember that the prompt is requiring you to explain, in vivid detail, how you applied your strengths in a community or professional setting. So you need to make sure to allot enough space for the development of the discussion.

As for the topic of your essay, your volunteering at the local senior citizen home, I do not think that this is a strong enough illustration of your three strengths. The story that you related it too simple and doesn't really offer an obstacle or situation wherein your strengths were challenged in a certain way. The challenge is important because it shows how you are able to apply your strengths successfully even under pressure. Keep in mind that the reviewer will be looking at the story that you relate as an example of the way you will handle the stress of masters degree studies and how you will perform even if you are faced with many obstacles in the completion of your studies.

I believe that you should continue the trend of displaying your professional strengths in this essay. Speak of these three strengths in a professional setting where you faced challenges that tested your enthusiasm, hard work, and devotion to a project. Surely, when you discuss such a project, you will be able to find a more significant weakness that you will want to improve over time as well.
OP doutiantian 3 / 12 8  
Jan 1, 2016   #3
Thank you, vangiespen!
Your suggestions are always professional and accurate to points.:-D I think every time you give me advice, you have a excellent understanding of what the school need and what I miss or do not present in my essay. Always thank you, my most ardent and sincere teacher.:-D

Home / Graduate / Here is my optional essay for Carey Business school. I need your advice.