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"Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2


kaybee87 2 / 28  
Sep 16, 2010   #1
This is an especially hard one to write because you are writing about your own experiences. I am open to any and all feedback, and appreciate you taking the time to help me. Thank you so much!

Peace Corps Volunteers must be open to ideas and cultures different from their own and may need to modify their appearance or behavior appropriately. Give an example (between 250-500 words) of a significant experience that illustrates your ability to adapt in an unfamiliar environment. Please highlight the skills you used and the perspectives you gained. You may draw from experiences in your work, school, or community in the U.S. or abroad. Please list the date(s) of your experience.

While receiving my college degree on stage last June, I was overwhelmed with a dichotomy of emotions. I was proud of my accomplishments, and felt ready to take on new challenges. On the other hand, my limited scale of experience left much to be desired. A graduate in Communication and Diversity in Higher Education, I had worked in non-profit settings, and served two consecutive terms as the Western Washington University Associated Students Vice President for Diversity. Though I was confident in my cultural competency, I wanted the opportunity to challenge myself in an unfamiliar environment. In November 2009, I said goodbye to my friends and family, and relocated to Boston, MA.

With no job, no social network, or even familiarity with the area, I was definitely a fish out of water. By March 2010, I got a job at Fenway Health, the largest LGBT community health center in the country. As a Staff Assistant for The Fenway Institute, the HIV/AIDS prevention research division, I worked directly with participants in a behavioral and clinical research setting. Though I was a long time LGBT advocate, this was a definitely new experience for me. Not only did I not have a very high proficiency working with HIV/AIDS positive individuals, but I was in the minority in regard to sexual orientation and gender in the workplace. Of nearly one thousand employees, approximately seventy percent identified as gay, white males. Rather than shy away from the situation, however, I saw it as an opportunity to expand my cultural competency and become a better ally.

I began by educating myself about the origins of the HIV/AIDS prevention, and doing research on those affected. I also spent time familiarizing myself with local LGBT community, as well as the prevalent challenges they faced, by socializing with my co-workers and assisted with research participant outreach at local gay bars and nightclubs. The more I learned, the more confident I felt in my ability to assist in making Fenway Health a safe space. Over time, my interactions with patients and research study participants evolved into caring and trusting relationships. I even got the opportunity to mentor José, a youth in the LGBT community, as he began his journey through the hormone therapy process. My relationships with co-workers also began to blossom, and I was affectionately embraced as a member of the "Fenway Family."

Moving to Boston proved to be an invaluable experience for me. By becoming more knowledgeable and looking at the world through the eyes of others, I was able to shift my perspective and adapt to a new environment. As a Peace Corps volunteer, I will bring this positive approach with me wherever I may go.
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Sep 17, 2010   #2
Cut out unnecessary words. Also condense some sentences. It will give you room to include more ideas, or elaborate the existing ones. Even though your word count is below the limit, it's always better to have some extra free space.

You write well, Kayla. This is a good essay.
You don't have to agree with all of my suggestions :)
OP kaybee87 2 / 28  
Sep 17, 2010   #3
Hi there-

Thank you for your suggestions. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it!

I'm not sure I agree about taking out the sentence in the third paragraph. I didn't mean a "safe space" in the literal sense--I'm not sure if you are aware of the concept of "safe space" in relation to resource and outreach environments, but it's something that I feel is important in incorporating in my essay.

Also, I know that the conclusion isn't especially strong, and I was wondering if you had any specific suggestions for a final sentence. I left it a little barren because I wanted to brainstorm a way to end it that was not too cheesy. Haha!

Thanks.

-Kayla
mea505 - / 265  
Sep 17, 2010   #4
How about this for a sentence?

By moving to Boston, I am hoping to incorporate all that I have learned thus far and apply it to the culture and the people of the general area, which will increase my own sensitivities to the needs and aspirations of the population.

Mark
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Sep 17, 2010   #5
I didn't mean a "safe space" in the literal sense

Okay, if that's jargon then you don't have to change anything. I was thinking of it in the literal sense, and yes, I wasn't aware of "safe space" in relation to resource and outreach environments. I'll look it up pronto :)

I was wondering if you had any specific suggestions for a final sentence

You know it's a lot more difficult to write, than to read or edit something...hehe... :D

Anyway, I would've removed the "As a Peace..." sentence and ended the essay with the following sentences:
Now I am ready for a fresh challenge -- a challenge more challenging than moving to Boston; a challenge only Peace Corps can provide. However, this will be different. Even though, I will be stepping into unfamiliar territory again, I know that this will be a familiar unfamiliarity.

^^Does that sound cheesy? Sorry, I'm not very good with words...haha :P

So do your necessary brainstorming and come up with a good one. I'm sure you can do that. :)
OP kaybee87 2 / 28  
Sep 17, 2010   #6
Thank you. Mike and Ershad. It truly is harder to write then edit! hahaha.

I don't want to be too cheesy, but I also want to make sure that my final sentence is proactive and progressive. I don't want to end on a note that implies that I am only applying to the peace corps for a challenge. I guess I'm trying to say that I went to Boston for a challenge, but I ended up being inspired, and I wanted to carry that inspiration with me.

Ugh. It's always the first or last sentence that holds you up! LOL.

I'll work on it today. Thanks again for all the input. You two gave me a lot to think about :)
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Sep 17, 2010   #7
I also want to make sure that my final sentence is proactive and progressive.

Yes, that's a good point. I didn't think about that.
mea505 - / 265  
Sep 17, 2010   #8
I'm not sure, Kayla, whether my sentence was good enough. I think that you are an excellent writer, and because it's your essay, I think that you will be the one to write the last sentence, as you will do it well. I also want to tell you that I admire your thoughts and actions; it's not everyday that one meets another person who is so dedicated to the community in which he or she lives. You are an inspiration to us all.

Mark
OP kaybee87 2 / 28  
Sep 17, 2010   #9
That's quite a compliment, Mark...but I think you're giving me too much credit ;)

Thanks for all your input! I plan on submitting my application by Tuesday. Hopefully a final sentence will come to me randomly while I'm eating cereal or something. I'll cross my fingers!
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Sep 17, 2010   #10
Hopefully a final sentence will come to me randomly while I'm eating cereal or something.

Yeah, it's like Kevin says, when he is quoting Stephen King or someone else that "wait for the waft of inspiration."

By the way, look out for Kevin's review. He will definitely give you something different.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 18, 2010   #11
"wait for the waft of inspiration."

Ha ha, I don't think I say waft of inspiration. Waft is a funny word... Life if someone has flatulence and the smell wafts over...

Oh, it is "wave of inspiration..." catch the wave of inspiration, like a surfer catching a wave. You sometimes have to wait for the wave.

I just read the essay. It is great, very interesting... and that is hard to do when writing this kind of essay. I think you can improve it by expounding a great theme at the end of that intro paragraph.

You establish the reader's attention on this:
In November 2009, I said goodbye to my friends and family, and relocated to Boston, MA.

So it is simple, easy to understand but not really intriguing.

This adds substance:
In November 2009, I said goodbye to my friends and family, and relocated to Boston, where I would learn a lesson about how to carve out a place for myself in a new environment where I was in the minority.

Then there is a paragraph break, and the reader says, "oh, I see what this essay is about..."

In truth, what you did was heroically work hard and find an opportunity, endure adversity, and take proactive steps to harmonize with your environment, which is very impressive. Especially in Boston... Boston can be intimidating. Make sure you take that Rockport line up to Salem sometime when it gets to be Halloween next month, it is crazy interesting.

And the fact that you want to do Peace Corps. is impressive... I have no doubt that you will impress them with this.
OP kaybee87 2 / 28  
Sep 18, 2010   #12
Hi Kevin-

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my essay. I have been struggling with selecting an overarching theme because it is so similar to my first Peace Corps application essay, so it's really helpful. I'm gonna go back and take another look at it, then re-post a new draft in the next few days. Thanks again!
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Sep 19, 2010   #13
Life if someone has flatulence and the smell wafts over...

Oh...right...haha...
Waft is also used in other, and more pleasant, scenarios. But you already know that.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 19, 2010   #14
I have been struggling with selecting an overarching theme

Same plight for all of us.

Waft around the Internet for ideas! :-)
OP kaybee87 2 / 28  
Sep 22, 2010   #15
Here's a new conclusion paragraph. Any suggestions?

I came to Boston for a challenge, and that is exactly what I got. Working at Fenway Health was initially overwhelming, but being vulnerable to sharing knowledge and experiences allowed me to adapt, and actively contribute to, this new cultural environment. This invaluable experience has instilled in me the confidence to reach out to a world outside of my studies, personal identities, and community. I will channel this positive approach throughout my ventures as a Peace Corps volunteer.
mea505 - / 265  
Sep 22, 2010   #16
Hi Kayla,

What about this part of the sentence: but being vulnerable to sharing knowledge and experiences allowed me to adapt, and actively contribute to, this new cultural environment

Let's re-write it like this:

but being vulnerable to sharing knowledge and experiences allowed me to adapt and contribute to this new cultural environment.

--> I think that this says the same thing, just in a simpler way. Otherwise, I don't see a problem with your conclusion or your last paragraph! You have come a long way with this essay, and a lot of people have chimed in for you. You did well, Kayla. My hat is off to you!

Mark :)
OP kaybee87 2 / 28  
Sep 22, 2010   #17
Thanks for the input, Mark. I found the suggestions in a few areas on sentence structure and word choice to be helpful during this process. In regard to my conclusion, I think that I did find previous feedback to be helpful at first because I was not sure what I wanted to say. After regrouping, however, I think I have come up with something that fits better into my essay. Thanks again for the support.

-Kayla
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Sep 22, 2010   #18
Hey Kayla

This is definitely better, and I think I agree with Mark's suggestion of removing the word "actively."

Good luck for the future :)


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