Hi,
I was just wondering if you could have a look at this essay and give me some advice on how I can fix it up. I've always been pretty weak at writing any type of admissions essay. Thanks!
Basically, the subjects I need to cover are:
- Your reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer; and
- How these reasons are related to your past experiences and life goals.
- How you expect to satisfy the Peace Corps 10 Core Expectations (please be specific about which expectations you expect to find most challenging and how you plan to overcome these challenges).
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It's been about a year now that I've considered joining the Peace Corps, but I found myself constantly putting off the completion of my application. I kept asking myself, "Is it really worth giving up two years of my normal life?" As months passed, however, the thought of serving in the Peace Corps continued to linger in my heart. I started to think about why I had thought of joining the Peace Corps in the first place.
Nine years ago, I went to Kenya with members of my church youth group. For two weeks, I lived without electricity, without clean water, and with some of the largest insects I have ever seen in my life. It was the first time that I had experienced such harsh living conditions, and even though it was tough, I loved every minute of it. Those two weeks planted something inside of me that would later grow into something more.
As years passed, I continued to go on volunteer trips whenever possible. In 2007, I went to Egypt with a team from an organization called Youth With A Mission. We resided in Cairo for 3 months while volunteering in hospitals, churches, orphanages, Sudanese refugee houses, and etc. During those 3 months, I shared stories with the Sudanese refugees. I held and fed babies who did not have families. I cried with the patients in the hospital who could feel nothing but pain. Ultimately, I had fallen in love with a people and a culture that was not my own, and my desire to help them no longer sprang from sympathy but from empathy.
These past experiences reminded me of why I wished to join the Peace Corps: I want to help others while fully immersing myself in their culture, beliefs, and daily lives. In the future, I plan to go to graduate school for international affairs and public policy to study human rights and international development. However, how could I study those topics without truly experiencing what victims of social injustice or residents of underdeveloped countries go through each day. By participating in the Peace Corps, I will be able to develop my understanding of other cultures because I will have actually been there. I believe that there is no better way to help a group of people other than to live side by side with them, experiencing and seeing first-hand what it's like to be them.
The Core Expectations are all reasonable and ones that I can adjust to. I believe the most challenging expectation would be my separation from my family and friends for 27 months. However, I know that they love me and will always be there to support me no matter how far away I am. I am comforted in knowing that I will make new friends and gain a new family while I am away. Moreover, I now realize that it's okay to be scared and uncertain about what to expect; in fact, it would be quite abnormal not to feel that way. The important thing is that I am confident that I can overcome any hardships with optimism and perseverance.
Hi there!
Nice work on this essay thus far. I think much of what you've written is pretty solid. Here are some of my initial thoughts to help you get this statement to the next level:
-"It's been about a year now that I've considered joining the Peace Corps, but I found myself constantly putting off the completion of my application. I kept asking myself, "Is it really worth giving up two years of my normal life?"" Avoid ever suggesting this level of doubt, particularly w/ the Peace Corps. They are seeking people who are truly passionate about their direction, and this starts your essay of on shaky ground.
-Kenya. This could be a great starting off point for your essay. Give more detail and insight into the experience, and how it changed you--this can really lay the groundwork for your future in the Peace Corps.
-Elaborate more on your goals. I love this:
"These past experiences reminded me of why I wished to join the Peace Corps: I want to help others while fully immersing myself in their culture, beliefs, and daily lives. In the future, I plan to go to graduate school for international affairs and public policy to study human rights and international development..."
And do what?
-Always try to convey confidence. The prompt tells it all here ("...please be specific about which expectations you expect to find most challenging and how you plan to overcome these challenges).
"Moreover, I now realize that it's okay to be scared and uncertain about what to expect; in fact, it would be quite abnormal not to feel that way."
This can be better grounded in your personal experience. How do you really expect to make it this long? You might touch on your passion for your career as a key motivation--how is your career path clear to you now more than ever? The Peace Corps is not only about service for you--it provides a real world education that is a gateway to your future, which is intrinsically linked to service.
Keep going!
Best,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing
Avoid ever suggesting this level of doubt, particularly w/ the Peace Corps.
Yep, great advice here. I was thinking that the reader might favor applicants who have no doubt, and for all the reader knows you wrote this essay and completed this application during a brief period of certainty that has already subsided. Also, the form at the start is clunky:
It's been about a year now
that since I first resolved to join the Peace Corps, and the time to submit my application has finally arrived.
Those two weeks planted some seeds of inspiration inside of me that would later grow into
something more a serious commitment to service.
:-)
