Please review my essay. It is currently over the word count by 87 words any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I have taken out the institution names. But as of now am only applying to one school so this is not a form letter.
In an essay of 500 to 700 words, state your purpose for undertaking graduate study in your chosen field. Include your academic objective, research interests, and career plans. Also discuss your related qualifications, including collegiate, professional, and community activities, and any other substantial accomplishments not already indicated on the application form.
I enjoy performing arts because within it's scope is the capacity to be a mirror for human society and the converse. That wide range of possibility leaves a smorgasbord of opportunity for one who wishes to create. As an Acting MFA Candidate at (institution) I plan to hone and build upon my current skill sets and add the necessary tools and organization to be a successful performance artist.
I fell in love with theatre during my undergraduate days at (institution), now I wish to explore the craft in a structured academic environment. The first year courses at (institution) offer the foundational footing necessary to ground me as an artist. Observing other actors and collaborating with them in plays has always been an education in itself for me. I am excited about the synergy that will be garnered by being around serious like minded students for three years. (institution) had no theatre major at the time of my attendance. I took the electives offered and participated in the plays but was left wanting more. Since the committed students were few and far between it allotted us the opportunity to wear several hats. In my four years there I was fortunate enough to be able to act, stage manage, be a prop mistress, assistant direct, build and strike sets. It was quite an experience and allowed me to have a true appreciation for all the cogs that make the theatrical wheel turn. I had quite a relationship with performance as a whole. The Fine Arts wing was my home as I was a member of the Concert Choir, Concert Band, and Marching Band. In 2001 I was able to travel with our choir, under the tutelage of (Teacher), to Innsbruck, Austria. We performed Mozart's Requiem and "American Songs" at the Innsbruck International Choral Festival.
I have deep interests in the works that speak to the marginalized of the world. I enjoy the works of August Wilson and Augusto Boal. The ideas that theatre can be interactive, used as a tool to enlighten, and be an agent of change appeals to me. I am drawn to (institution)assertion that Theatre is an important social construct and therefore the artist has an ethical responsibility to what they produce and how they portray it. In my search for suitable monologues I have found it difficult to find material that speaks to me. I will welcome the study of contemporary playwrights to widen my scope. I would be ecstatic to work with any of the impressive faculty at (institution) including (Teachers). As a history major I am very attracted to details. I enjoy researching time periods, wardrobe, political slant, and economics. I want to delve into exploring everything possible to help me with characterization.
I plan to obtain my equity card and work in professional theatres. I am partial to the (geographical) area for the way it has nurtured my interest. Various classes with resident actors and volunteer opportunities that result in shared knowledge have been priceless. I would be honored to reciprocate and maintain the environment that pushed me towards my dreams. I am open to the various avenues of work available such as commercials, voiceover, theatre, television and film. It is encouraging to see that a portion of (institution) third year focuses on theatre as a business. I am not naïve enough to believe that this will be an easy task but I believe I have what it takes. Since graduating from college I have advanced my career and raised a family all while continuing to follow my theatrical aspirations.
This degree is integral to my development because it is not enough to just have natural talent if you want to sustain a career. I need to be shaped, molded, and have a point of reference that only intense training can bring. I am ready to put forth an unceasing effort because faith without works is dead. I know I can be great and have been waiting for the opportunity. Upon its arrival I want to make sure I have the stock and technique in which to deliver greatness. I am looking to this program to take my raw materials through the refinement stages and conclude in a polished product.
...add the necessary tools and organization to be successful as a (name your specific aspiration).
The second paragraph might be better this way:
I fell in love with theatre during my undergraduate days at (Name of institution), and now One of the reasons for my interest in pursuing a graduate degree in Acting is because I wish to explore the craft in a structured academic environment.
This is great. You are quite specific about your aspirations. I think you can be even more specific, though, and you can do a better job of expressing a goal of applying the art to help the marginalized (para #3).
Yes, this is quite impressive. It should be easy to cut out some words to get within the word limit. shaveoff the words that get in the way and detract from the power of your writing:
In the future I plan to obtain my equity card and work in professional theatres.
your first point that I should name my aspiration. Is it not implied by the 1st half of the sentence which states "As an Acting MFA candidate"?
Yes, that implies a broad, general goal, but what I was saying was that if you can gracefully, powerfully add detail to the picture you are painting, it will persuade them. For example, I am impressed by an applicant that seeks an MFA, but I am MORE impressed by an applicant that has a clear, specific dream of teaching theater arts to children in a specific, developing nation so that they can put on performances that will generate monetary wealth and tourism. (tourism is a source of hope for people in poor countries, and theater arts can generate tourism.)
If you have a brilliant vision for the future, you stand out among the applicants.
About your other question, I do think it is alright to use the acronym after the first mention of the school's name.
Good luck!!
Great essay. A few minor things:
"The ideas that theatre can be an interactive tool to enlighten and bring about change appeals to me. " You can fix it in other ways too, but the original didn't quite make all the way into proper parallel structure.
"Theatre is an important social construct and therefore the artist has an ethical responsibility to [it sounds like a verb is missing here] what they produce and how they portray it."
"I am ready to put forth an unceasing effort because faith without works is dead." This seems a bit jarring, because there seems to be no reason for a Biblical quote in this context.
