Your plan to be engaged outside of the classroom - DUKE MMS program essay question

Requirement: Choose one of the followings

1. For our MMS: Foundations of Business class, the Admissions team is looking for students who are eager to engage with, and learn from, their classmates. This learning takes place both inside and outside the classroom, as extracurricular engagement is an important part of the MMS: Foundations of Business experience. Describe how you would plan to be engaged outside of the classroom, and how your unique perspective, experiences, and passions will add to the MMS community.

2. The MMS: Foundations of Business program is developing leaders who are able to effect change in the communities of which they are a part. Share a time that you were able to make a change in your community: at school, at work, or at home. How will you use the lessons you learned and skills you developed from this experience as an MMS: Foundations of Business student?

Here is my answer, though I choose 1, it is more likely my essay tries to answer both, hoping to get your help.
Thanks!

As I went through briefly in the extracurricular involvement section, starting Early May of 2014, I along with 4 other team members, took over a volunteer program, "Pioneers for environmental protection" under guidance from a non-profit group, during the time I acted as the one in charge and was responsible for organizing a series of events while keeping in touch with the volunteer group I mentioned above.

During the succeeding eleven months, our team organized more than 10 times of volunteer events, each of which consisted of preparation for not only undergraduate volunteers but also kindergarten kids. You may wonder why an environmental subjected event involved kindergarteners and here comes the explanation.

Based on the feedback from participants who joined previous activities and the invaluable experience provided by our seniors, we reached a conclusion that the combination of children and undergraduate students might be more welcomed in such an environment subjected activity than young adults alone. Then, after several times of discussion with the employees from that organization, we decided to redesign the demographic composition of by having around 10 undergraduate volunteers and the same number of kindergarten level kids each time, which have become the standard for the following events as the first-time strike went quite well.

Judging from the review and performance of each participant, we were able to argue that such a change did work out. We not only received acknowledge from residents living in the communities which were our main battlegrounds but also won praise from the parents whose kids had taken part in the events which, from my perspective, is the best testimonial we ever achieve. Moreover, this experience sharply enhanced of my leadership and interpersonal skill as offered me a platform to exert impactive power, assuming the responsibility of overseeing the monthly-based events and allowed me to effect change during the procedure.

More interestingly, when I finally decided to devote myself in the post-graduation and chose Durham as my next destination, I found myself quite lucky to be able to fight for a chance spending my next 10 months in such an innovative environment where, without doubt, I would encounter high-achieving peers and world-class faculty members whom, I strongly believe, are just like me, trying their best strike for betterment and create an impact.

If I had the honor to be admitted to Fuqua MMS program, apart from the demanding and rigorous curriculum, I want to deliver my developed teamwork spirit and leadership learned from volunteer activities to become a cornerstone of the overall community, especially for student life experience during our spare time, for e.g., I want to be a graduate Usher in the annual campout helping out the graduate students who haven't experienced the camping life out of the Cameron. After all, your life wouldn't be intact at Duke until you've spent time with a bunch of Dukies rooting for our home team! What's our slogan again? Work hard, play hard!

Hi Rolland, contrary to what you think, the essay response that you wrote is more fitting and relevant towards responding to the 2nd prompt. That is a lucky thing that happened to you because it is always important that you follow the prompt requirements when the process of responding is as specific as the one that Duke gives their applicants.

I read your essay thoroughly and have come to the conclusion that while you did deliver on the prompt requirements, the essay can use further development in some aspects. There is a portion of the prompt that you should highlight further in the essay and this is the part that relates to how you plan to use the lessons learned and skills that you developed during that time as a Duke MMS student. Your response is too short and generalized in discussion. The event that you chose to use as an example of the way that you will share the skills you have needs to be more impressive. Maybe you can volunteer to start a new organization or join an existing one on campus that you feel will help you not only use your knowledge and skills, but also help you develop new ones on that respect.

At this point in the essay applications, you should stop taking such a casual tone towards the end of the essay. The essay requires a formal written voice because of the academic or professional basis of the prompt. They want to see your serious side this time. It's not the time to be discussing Dukies and the motto of the home team. Be professional in tone and presentation. Learn to assess when you should use a casual and a serious writing tone. It can help the reviewer decide whether you are taking your application seriously or not.

@Holt
Thanks for your advice, but the thing is this essay has a word limit of 500 word, which means if I want to sharp my current one and develop further, I have to cut the previous a lot (I suppose I could do so and especially the describing part of former activities). I will be working on it right now and maybe could come up with something better later.

The new version, hope anyone may help.

As I went through briefly in the extracurricular involvement section, starting May 2014, ...

Based on the feedback from participants who joined previous activities and the invaluable experience ...

Judging from the review and performance of each participant, we were able to argue that such a move ...

Further, when I chose to fully commit myself to a master degree and selected Durham as my next destination, I found myself lucky to be able to fight for a chance to spend my next 10 months working with and learning from 130 high-achieving peers who, I strongly believe, will spare no effort striking for betterment and leaving an impact just like me.

If the admission office deemed me capable and a fit towards MMS program, I'd like to deliver comprehended skills and capabilities into further building this growing program by fighting for a leading position in the MMS Association and creating a new student club focusing on volunteer activities and social entrepreneurship with students who are interested in engaging in community events and outdoor activities to get away from demanding and rigorous curriculum from time to time. Also, I want to contribute to the annual campout as a graduate Usher helping out the graduate students who haven't experienced the camping life out of the Cameron with team spirit obtained from my previous experience. After all, one's life wouldn't be intact at Duke until he has spent time with all the Dukies rooting for the home team!

As John Maxwell's saying goes, the measure of a leader is not the number of people who serve him but the number of people he serves, which is exactly how I'd like to do as an MMS student.

Hi Rolland, the essay really developed well. There are just 2 things that you need to delete from the essay in this revised form in order to create the final format and content for your response. These 2 parts are the quotation at the end and the reference to Durham in the 4th paragraph.

Normally, a quote is placed at the start of the essay in order to help explain the slant of discussion that the essay is going to take. In the case of your response, you placed it at the very end where the quotation no longer serves a purpose. There is no additional explanation that could relate the quote to the previous parts of the essay. So the existence of the quotation doesn't make sense in the overall meaning of the essay.

As for the 4th paragraph, the reason that it should not be there is really simple. It is not effective in explaining how you would use your previous experience to improve your Duke experience. It is just a filler paragraph that doesn't even relate to the prompt discussion. Removing it in totality will not negatively affect the essay.

I tried removing the suggested portions myself in MS Word and then I reviewed your essay again. It appeared to be much stronger in content and explanation with the omission of the aforementioned sections. So I am highly confident that your essay will benefit from the removal of those parts and the further lessening of your word count. The shorter and more direct to the point your essay is, the better chances it will have for consideration by the reviewer. I hope you consider my suggestions for the further improvement and benefit of your essay response.

@Holt

Your advice seems great, I am considering what if I put the quote in the fourth paragraph and make the essay more stronger?

Hi Rolland, I know that you really want to keep the quotation in your essay. It really is a nice one and delivers a good message. We just need to position it properly in the essay in order to make it more effective. Now, as you know, the quotes are often used as the hook with which you reel the reviewer into reading your essay. However, your earlier essay parts do not really need the quote. It is effective in its current form. In order to use the quote properly, I guess we can place it at the start of the concluding paragraph. By placing it at the start of the paragraph that currently starts with "If the admission office..." Here is my plan.

Place the quotation at the start of the aforementioned paragraph. It will be in the most effective position in your essay at that point. Then delete the reference to the admissions office and just go directly to the statement indicating "I'd like to deliver ..." The essay will close with the prompt that you wish to keep and also, reflect a stronger sentiment regarding how you will conduct yourself outside of the classroom at Duke. Let me know if the new format works for you.

@Holt

That sounds practical, we will see in the near future