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'power to empower others' - Duke MMS essay. It is longer by 30 words. How do I make it better?


essayfreak00 1 / -  
Feb 29, 2016   #1
Duke MMS essay. It is longer by 30 words. How do I make it better?

Question: The MMS: FOB program is shaped each year by the diversity of the class. Students bring a unique combination of professional and personal experiences that add value to the learning environment. By engaging with each other, MMS: FOB students grow personally as well as professionally over the course of the program. The admissions team is looking for students who are eager to engage with, and learn from, one another both inside the classroom and through their involvement in extracurricular activities. How will you be engaged as a student (both in and out of the classroom), and how will your background and previous experiences add value to the experience of your fellow students?

Essay: John Maxwell, once said, "Leaders become great, not because of their power, but because to their power to empower others". With this in mind, I will continuously strive to change the lives of other and leave a mark behind. There isn't a better representation of globalisation than a class of international students, each from different facets and phases of life. A class as multi-faceted as that with its diversity gives rise to a myriad of opportunities. I see the one-year course as an investment and I intend to make full use of my time there, a philosophy that will be shared by everyone I meet there. With my background and experience, the program would help me develop better as a person in making prudent decisions and boost my career.

Specifically, Having captained the Karnataka football team at the national level, headed a business team that won at IIM Bangalore, and handled the group that broke a Guinness World Record at college, I feel at home when either taking part or leading a team in extra-curricular activities. The Guinness World Record attempt, from its inception up till the day we broke the record, has been the fruit of careful planning and execution. When everyone around me doubted me, I went on to achieve to organise the best event of the fest and broke the record with 630 people. It took many hours out of my regular class, but I did not allow that to get in the way of my academics. Physical activity and sports contribute to holistic development, also catalysing learning and relying on each other. My work experience of nearly 18 months will help me better my

I am very active and have quite a number of followers on Medium and Quora, even gaining an audience for my blog, "Finalysed". So exchange of ideas is commonplace, which will help me communicate with the other students, learn as much as I can from them, hopefully impart as well, thanks to my experiences so far. I will voice my opinion in class and with my professors as well, to be acknowledged or shot down, learning from my actions in either case. Since working in groups is my forte, brainstorming sessions will definitely aid all of us. Having conducted research and published a paper, I value due diligence and will do my best to excel in class. My accomplishments may be dwarfed by those of my to-be classmates, but that will only push me to work harder and better appreciate their work. My stint in engineering gives me the technical know-how and keen interest in being a part of this information-driven world. With my CFA Level-1, the program would further strengthen my academics. I would like to augment my knowledge of technology with the necessary business acumen to propel my comrades and me to greater, cross-platform heights. The combined beauty and gravity of the program coupled with the stature of the university cements my interest to embark on the next and most promising leg of my academic journey. W All the world's a stage, and I intend to put forth a performance rivalling that of Leonardo di Caprio's first Oscar winner.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Mar 2, 2016   #2
Essayfreak00, I would like to share some thoughts on your essay.
What I notice is the fact that this essay should speak about you and your academic
achievements in order to gain admission, should not limit you from talking about
other aspects of your being. However crucial, I suggest that when you do write, go back to the
prompt and make sure that you keep your essay in line with what the prompt wants you to write about.

In this case, you are asked to write about the combination of both worlds, therefore,leave the subject to talk
about your professional and academic achievements and move towards your future goal, this should be the focus of
the essay and though it is, I suggest that you omit the part where you talk about your other ideas that may not be directly

related to the purpose of the essay.

On the other hand, I love the fact that you started your essay with a quote from the legendary John Maxwell, this is
a significant approach to the essay you are about to submit.
I hope my insights helped, keep writing and I hope to see the revision soon.


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