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Pursuing master's degree in International Trade GKS/KGSP - small family and destiny

alexng 1 / -  
Dec 25, 2019   #1

Personal Statement for GKS/KGSP Scholarship.

Hi there! I am struggling with writing a personal statement. I am not sure if I did it right, that is why I would be very grateful if you review my personal statement and give some advice. Thank you!

I was raised in a small family without a father, who unfortunately passed away when I and my sister were infants. Even though having raised solely by our mother was difficult, as we faced economic challenges from time to time, I have spent a truly happiest childhood. As a kid, every day I used to play in the yard with my childhoods friends and then at the evening we would sit together staring into the night sky looking for the brightest of the stars and think what future would be like until our parents did not call us back home. Growing and seeing what hardships our mother had to face to raise us and how strong she was to say that everything would end well, she became my motivation to improve our lives. After the graduation, although being already accepted to a well-known university, I strived to enter XXX University, the leading research institute in our country along with 4000 other applicants. Even though my first step towards this goal was unfortunate, I have appreciated the knowledge I gained during the process, which eventually opened me a new opportunity - academic mobility to XXX University in South Korea. That year I was one of three selected students for the program and it was my first ever experience to travel and study abroad. The program marked a milestone in my personal development, as in XXX University I faced a new distinct culture and conversations I had with students from different parts of the world expanded my horizons. The courses given by Korean and foreign professors astonished me with completely different and at the same time extremely amusing lecture management that were devoted to cultivate the multilateral view of each student and practical skills upon the subject. I am still very grateful to my mother who financially supported me during this period, and to a professor and student society with whom I created a strong bonds and who taught me tolerance and made me feel like home. To the end of the program, I felt a completely different person, an open-minded one as my outlook was no longer limited by borders of my country and I was eager to discover the world and the diversity of cultures. In order to achieve this, I was driven by the strongest motivation to acquire an outstanding international education and being a third-year student I have decided to challenge myself and participate in an Erasmus+ Student Mobility Program funded by European Union. It was an ideal opportunity for me since this scholarship covered all the expenses of the participants and I did not want to load our family budget. After three months of rigorous preparation, I won the opportunity and studied in Spain at Universidad de XXX. Although living in Spain was quite challenging since I had to deal with obstacles by myself, as overcoming a language barrier and getting used to a different mentality, it made me mature and taught me responsibility. The turning point of the program happened when I met my Korean classmate from XXXUniversity in Barcelona. Having met in a totally different part of the world, we were delighted to see each other and for several next days while we traveled together and we shared our warmest memories about my time in Korea, our classmates, and professors. I believe it was not an occasion, but a destiny that made me decide to twist my future with this wonderful country.

As I studied in Spain and recalled my experience in South Korea I have noticed the gap between their and Kazakhstan's development that was directly reflected in the people's basic standard of living. This made me curious in the way these countries are developing and how do they manage their political and economic relations. This emotion was deepened when I went for travel across Europe and found myself standing on the threshold of the World Trade Organization in Geneva, where appreciating the remarkable atmosphere of the place I saw Kazakhstan's flag fluttering on a shiny day. At that moment I was seized by an unprecedented sense of proud for my country and I realized that I want to be involved in affairs that require worldwide economic cooperation where I would represent my country and assist its growth.

On the final year, I have also volunteered at Eurasian Economic Forum and 13th meeting of the Shanghai Cooperation Organization where I was privileged to accompany a delegation from Pakistan and get a first-hand insight on how parties from various countries negotiate and come to agreements in political and economic issues. This volunteer experience strengthened my ambition to be a part of multicultural society and work in the field of international trade, as I believe it is an essential tool that promotes the rise of countries and global wealth.

Ulaai 3 / 40 25  
Jan 2, 2020   #2
Hi there. Personally, I think your essay lacks structure. It's difficult to understand the direction of your personal statement. I can see that you're trying to explain your initial motivation to work hard (?) and your accomplishments, but I still couldn't get what do you want to achieve with this scholarship, what is your future career aspirations, and why the major of international trade, specifically. The first paragraph is very lengthy and it doesn't convey your main intention which is pursuing master's degree.

There are a lot of guides on writing personal statement on the internet. This can be your starting point! Here is the structure guide I personally use:

1. Introduction
2. Knowledge and interest
---Particular areas of interest
---Career aspirations
---Awareness of cultural/ industry affairs
---Relevant work/voluntary experience
3. Further reading / work experience / career interest
4. Extracurricular
5. Conclusion

Hope this helps, and good luck with your application!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,144 3273  
Jan 18, 2020   #3
This essay should not have been based on your personal considerations for content. You must ensure that your work responds to the requirements of the GKS masters application which are as follows:

Motivations with which you apply for this program
Your education and work experience in relation to GKS.
Reason for studying in Korea
Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.

You need to split up this essay into paragraphs representing each section of the prompt. While your responses can be located anywhere within the given paragraphs, you need to make sure that your writing actually considers the necessary information. The reference to your family, your mother paying your fees, those have no place in the masters personal statement. Only career objectives should represent your motivation to apply for the program.

Enhance your Korean educational experience as that falls directly under your educational experience in relation to GKS. Your work presentation should be clearly seen as well, as a separate paragraph. Regardless of whether it is related to KGSP or not. Your ability to have had your chance to study in Spain under the Erasmus program should be highlighted with its own paragraph reference. It should not be mixed in with everything else. That will make it hard for the reviewer to keep track of your information highlights.

The essay is open ended. It requires a strong concluding paragraph.

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