Personal History Statement. Please help me in correcting the mistakes and giving it a proper emotional ending.
"I was raised in a poor village in West Bengal, India. My father supported our extended family of 12 members (father's three brothers and their family) with his monthly income of 15,000 Rs. (300$). I could see the pain my father and mother had to go through. Not just my parents but our entire village was very poor and farming was the primary occupation. After my father got his first promotion we shifted to New Delhi. I got my first city experience in the age of 7. I got a scholarship from a local school due to my financial condition. I still remember how every student used to taunt me because of my poor English. I was also the only student in my class who didn't own a computer in the 7th grade. My father pulled a lot of strings and got a bank loan and bought me a computer. Little did anyone know that a student who couldn't speak English properly and had never touched a computer mouse before his 7th grade could be double Gold Medalist in the All India Computer Olympiad in the year 2005 and 2006. This incident was life-changing and I could see my true potential.
Even though we lived in city, poverty was all around us and we would think about our village. It was then I decided to give free tuitions to under-privileged students in my neighborhood. My father's financial condition had improved by then and he started donating money to charity and to his village.
Swami Vivekananda once said "Who will bring light to the poor? Who will travel from door to door bringing education to them? Let these people be your God-think of them, work for them, pray for them incessantly". I could see my challenge, my life goal right in front of my eyes.
My passion for technology and research skills gave me nationwide recognition and every time. I was sponsored/funded by Govt. of India, NTPC, Microsoft, Google and Amazon on many number of occasions during my undergraduate study. My projects were showcased at many universities in India including the prestigious IIT's. At every invited talk I gave, people used to get inspired my life story and how I achieved the impossible.
ICT4D is my first and foremost love. I had helped the Govt. of India in developing a text-free interface for the Akash low-cost tablet which is mainly for poor students. HCI is a crucial field for ICT4D projects. My experience in HCI and my programming skills helped get me an internship opportunity in Microsoft Research which will begin Febuary next year."
Wow! Excellent story.
Little did anyone know that a student who couldn't speak English properly and had never touched a computer mouse before his 7th grade could be double Gold Medalist in the All India Computer Olympiad in the year 2005 and 2006. This sentence is too long and wordy, say these things in 2 sentences.
This incident was life-changing and I could see my true potential. These achievements were life-changing and I realized my full potential.
I could see my challenge, my life goal right in front of my eyes.
My passion for technology and research skills gave me nationwide recognition and every time. These sentences connect 2 paragraphs, they need to "flow" better. This is a bit disjointed.
You explain that your education and success has led to a strong desire to give back to your community. I think the reader would like to know what this experience taught you and how has it rewarded you. It needs a little more personality in the last paragraph because it begins to sound more like a resume.
I could see the pain my father and mother had to go through. Not just my parents but our entire village was very poor and farming was the primary occupation. After my father got his first promotion we shifted to New Delhi. I got my first city experience in the age of 7. I got a scholarship from a local school due to my financial condition. I still remember how every student used to taunt me because of my poor English.
This potion is made up of many small sentences. You could club them and make a stronger impact on the reader. A good write up usually has a combination of large (>20 words), medium (10-20), small (<10 word) sentences.
life-changing- if you could elaborate on how this incident was life changing it would be better..
Other than this your story is really touching and has great potential.
Best of Luck
It's a touching story. And most of it is well written.
I just think, if you break it up into little paragraphs, it'll be easier for the reader. For now, it's just one chunk and the eyes and mind don't get any breathing space.
Just my opinion. :)
Good Luck.
Its very well written and its touching. Its great for a college essay.
Good Luck.
