Research project and IT experience - Statement of purpose in biomedical engineering

Could you please critique my essay. I need help!! Please gimme some suggestions to better it!

SOP

My profile is actually my story. Daughter of an Indian naval officer whose parents love, trust made me independent and yet belong. Being part of this meant an opportunity to become a pan India citizen, absorbing our country's eclectic culture, tradition, colors in the team spirit of a secular family and most importantly educational nomadicity. 8 years ago, my father's transferable job brought us to Delhi. Fresh into high school, I was made to choose 4 subjects that would probably decide my career. I wanted to pursue the sciences with mathematics. This was the year that the Education Board, brought about a change in the selection process that curbed students from choosing biology and mathematics together. Economics was then forced onto me as a substitute. I was unsure of my undergraduate pursuit, but I sure did know that I needed biology for it. With the help of my fellow mates and the paramount support from my principal we made several appeals to the board urging them to reconsider. After 4 months of humdrum economics classes, I shifted to biology. This win also aided me to get the position of the School Pupil Leader.

Academics per se

My profound interest in the sciences along with concrete foundations in mathematics propelled me towards a bachelor's degree in Biotechnology at the prestigious ABC University. The learning absorption was unique. It combined theory with hands on experience at the engineering faculties and also introduced me to interdisciplinary subjects like Industrial Management and Mass Transfer. My undergraduate education afforded me broader knowledge spans. I developed a myriad of interests focused on the impact of mathematics on life forms and the intricacies of nature depicted in microbiology.

My desire to pursue graduate studies became clear in the final year of my course. The catalysts were my wonderful research advisor Dr. X and my project. My research centered on analyzing the effect of physical and chemical variations on the growth of the plant Coleus Aromaticus and an extended project on the oil extractions from the same species. For me it was a journey of learning through osmosis of exposure and guidance whetted by a research centric environment of people, positivity and well equipped facilities. The project was completed with the help of AG Biotech Laboratories, The Horticulture Society of India and Vasant Chemicals India Pvt. Ltd. My extended research, understanding the dimensions of Plant Biotechnology and a strong defense won me accolades from the Head of the Department.

At the same time, I continued to improve on my communication, organizational and technical skills. I represented my class as the Executive member of the Biotechnology Association, led the team in organizing and receiving sponsorships for two National level symposiums and participated in the technical presentations in the National symposium - Blitzkrieg 2006 hosted by the department. To have an edge over others I took an initiative to learn Japanese as a foreign language. Additionally, I drew from my experience to teach academically weak students in mathematics and chemical process calculations after class hours. This solidified my basics and boosted my knowledge of the field. Aside from the technical activities, I also took an interest in classical dancing for which I received a State award and the dance form Salsa, in which I successfully completed 2 levels. I topped my university in the first semester with a GPA of 9.667/10 (out of 718) and received a scholarship for academic excellence. I completed my course with a high CGPA of 9.07/10, stood in the top 5% of the department and graduated in May 2008. In the final year of my undergraduate course, I was selected by Tata Consultancy Services (TCS), a multinational IT company.

My career thus far

After graduating in May, I was selected by the Institute of Management Studies (IMS India), as a faculty member for management entrance training. I joined TCS in October 2008, and for the last 2 years have been trained in information technology. I am adept in JAVA/J2EE, Visual Basic (6.0) and presently hold a designation of Systems Engineer, currently working on a project with TARGET, Minneapolis. For my diligence, excellent skill set and my punctual deliveries I received a BRAVO Award from the company.

My vision

The choices one makes command one's life. There is a sense of clarity within me that intuitively makes me seek a calling in Biomedical Engineering. I do believe that nature, humanity, technology can all be harnessed while being caring and sensitive about the environment we all live in. My interest in Biomedical Engineering burgeoned from the desire to manipulate the vast field of medicine using technology and mathematical principles. Since I lost my grandfather to multiple brain strokes, I am especially intrigued by the work carried out in Neuroengineering. I believe the central nervous system is the most complex system in the human body. I want to expand my knowledge of the manipulation of drug delivery, diagnosis and treatment of diseases strengthened by concepts of engineering, imaging, chemistry and my existing understanding of computer applications. I am interested in the research pursued by Dr. Y and Dr. Z in the use of biomaterials for treatment and recovery of nerve damage.

I have the aptitude to be a good researcher and the experience to be a great teacher. Being an extremely creative person, I incorporate innovative ideas to find the best solution to a problem in terms of perfection. My approach to teaching is an amalgamation of building on foundations, interactive discussions and a process of continual learning. I am fascinated by the partnership of Purdue's Biomedical Engineering department with the Krannert School of Management called "Biomedship". I believe this would give me an introduction to the business strategies cardinal for identifying opportunities for biomedical product development. On completing my masters degree, I plan to be a research scientist and carry out work in medical biotechnology and instrumentation, to work in a Pharmaceutical company which provides opportunities in research and technology. I see myself growing into a contributing executive and manager leading a team towards a common goal.

After working on the research project and gaining professional experience in IT, I feel confident for new academic challenges. I am sure I will bring to Purdue's Masters BME program a zest for challenges, hard work and an endless thirst for knowledge.

This is my opinion and thus, take it with a grain of salt. :)

Your SOP starts out great and provides some great powerful points in the middle, especially your achievements and awards. That definitely stands out. In my opinion there is a problem of continuity from the first two parts to the last part, where you write about what you want to do and why.

Although, being a moving story, the reason you want to do biomed (your grandfather's illness) lacks punch. You should be more convincing. Everytime you say something like "fascinating" you should back it up. For example:


Here you should mention why you are interested, what appeals to you, did you have anything to do with their work? did you read it? Did you read any of their publications? If so comment on them.


Here you should mention why you are fascinated. A lot of people might be fascinated by it, but that says nothing.

Also


That is nice, but that's about it. You either expand on it, and explain why you wrote it, or you take it out.

Look through your essay and see if you can find things that need backup :). Polish it and it will be awesome.

Thanks a lot wiggie. After reading it again, I did find the same faults that you noticed. Thanks for pointing it out to me. I will elaborate on my graduate interests and why I want to pursue it. Perhaps I need stronger reasons. I will post the Statement after making the changes.

I just had a question - dont you think its a little too long?? And if I have to reduce it, how fo I go about doing it?

Thanks again :)

All I can say about the length of it is for you to contact that institution and ask them how long it should be. This is your best bet.

If you do need to make it shorter then try to focus mainly on your super accomplishments and reasons for wanting to go to that program and that institution. You could also cut a lot of "empty" sentences, i.e. stuff that is used for embellishments and nothing more.

Can choices command? I don't know if I like that intro... but you could try different verbs...

There is A sense of clarity within me that intuitively makes me enables me to intuit a calling to Bi omedical Engineering.---here is an idea I had for you.

I do believe that nature, humanity, and technology can all be harnessed while being ...

I believe The central nervous system is the most

I have the aptitude to be a good researcher and the experience to be a great teacher. Being an extremely creative person, I incorporate innovative ideas to find the best solution to a problem in terms of perfection. All this content is ineffective. Anyone can make claims.

This part is excellent, though, because it tells something about your unique experiences: My approach to teaching is an amalgamation of building on foundations, interactive discussions and a process of continual learning.

... feel confident for about new academic challenges. I am sure I will bring to Purdue's Masters BME program a zest for challenges, hard work and an endless thirst for knowledge.

Nice!I seemed to criticize you a lot, but actually the essay is very impressive. I wish you would include more specific examples of your intentions, your plans for how you might specialize, etc. This definitely shows great writing skill, too.