Hi every one. I am a new member of this forum. I am preparing for GRE for my doctoral studies. So need to prepare for the essay type question in GRE. Here i am writing a sample assay. I need all your support to find out errors in my assay and make it a better one. As the Essay asked in GRE are randomly generated so i need to practice as many as i can. Please keep in mind that this essay was written in 30 min which is the time available in actually GRE test. So please be reasonable while judging the essay. Also please keep in mind that this was an extempore topic. Any constructive comments are more then welcome.
The topic of my essay is "Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed."
Educational institutions are the place where the future generation are processed to make a lively hood for themselves and ultimately serve the nation. Since the very early age of human civilization educational institutions has played a critical role in the development of society. In early days of kings and queens there were small school where students learn whatever they want. If a student want to learn weapon craft like sword fight he can do so or if a students is interested in any other field then he can pursue science or art or commerce depending on the students. Basically educational institution are the building blocks of any society just like amino acids for proteins.
Now Educational institutions have an important role to play in the development of society so they have to be governed by some set ideology like which courses to promote, which course does students prefer, what is current demand of the job industry etc. I am a strong believer of the fact that a institutions should strongly dissuade a student in pursuing a course in which there is very little chance of getting successful. Since they are the building block of the society hence it is there responsibility to make sure that every student which is getting out of the institution has a purpose to serve in the society. If a student is constantly failing in stream let's say physics then their is no point in continuing that course it will be waste of time for the student as well as for the faculty. We can use that time in preparing a student who is already good in particular subject. That student might be good in music or art. eg. I was not very good with politics in class xth i was not able to pass the test but i was good in math, chemistry and other science subjects so there is no need to continue the process of giving test in politics again and again. I some how to manage to just clear the test marginally. The fact is one should focus all his effort in to an area where there is a more possibility of success i.e in to his area of strength.
Another point of view might be a student can be good at physics. he can be so good in physics that he can be next Einstein but if he doesn't want to pursue physics and want to do art in which he is not good at, then it the responsibility of the teacher to show him the right path.They have to guide him that you have to focus on your strengths. They have to make him believe that one should pursue his strengths. Otherwise we are depriving the world with a new Einstein. Once again if a person work in an area of strength then the probability of success increases exponentially.
On the other hand the contrary can also be true no educational institution can judge the future. No one know what tomorrow may bring in to a persons life. The students who is struggling in a particular subject, tomorrow he can be a leader in that field. Like Bill Gates he has to struggle for a long time before his brand apple makes recognition.
But since human have always lived his life based on the past learning. A wise man once said that we can only judge the future by the mistakes we have done in the past. So majority of the past says that their is no need to work in a direction in which you are not interested to go. i.e you should only work in the direction where your strength lies and hence educational institutions should dissuade students who want to work in an area outside their strengths.
I would like to help you with some of your essay.
I understand that there are time constraints. I will do my best not to be too critical. However, I will try to focus on word choice and any errors that exist.
1st paragraph: Instead of using where the future generation are processed to, you could use "where future generations look to" Also use the word "livelihood" or future career. I'm suggesting these simple changes so you don't feel pressured as you are preparing.
The next sentence, stay in the past tense, "have played". Since you use "In the early days", learn should be in the past tense (learned).
Most of the verbs need to be in the past tense. Here are some more verbs that need to be in the past tense: want (wanted), can(could), is(was) , are (were).
Let me show you how this sentence could be improved using past tense and deleting some words: If a student wanted to learn weapon craft like sword fight, he or she could do so. Yet, if a student was interested in any other field, then he or she could pursue science or art or commerce depending on the students .
Great comparison in the last sentence!
2nd paragraph: I would like to focus on what you are doing right in this paragraph and a few errors. As I look at the overall structure of your paper you are using transitions well at the beginning of sentences (Now, Another point of View, On the other hand). There is a sentence that would be really great but you use hence in the middle of the sentence. In this sentence you don't have to use it: "Since they are the building block of the society, hence it is their..."
I think you have a good example, but I would suggest that you state that some students may struggle in subjects such as physics. When you use your example, you could begin your sentence with "For example, I was not very good..." I will help you with the last sentence because it is a good sentence to end the paragraph: In fact, is one should focus all of his or her effort or strength in an area a major where there is a more possibility of success. i.e in to his area of strength.
- Educational institutions areis the ..
- place where the future generation are processedhoned to make..
-...a lively hoodlivelihood for themselves and ultimately serve the nation.
- Now(without this word, your sentence can stand alone) Educational institutions..
- ...they have to be governed by somea set of ideology
-I am a strong believer of the fact that an institutions should strongly..
- ....little chance of gettingbecoming successful.
- Since they are the building block of the society hence it is there responsibility is to..
- ..make sure that every student which is gettingthat are coming out of the...
- If a student is constantly failingfails in a stream...
- The fact is one should focus all his effort in to an area where there is a more possibility of success i.e in to his area of strength .
I just want to add that you don't need to overwhelm your sentences, what you tend to do is cite in all your ideas in one sentence. What you can do is break your ideas, know your priorities and know when your sentence can stand alone without having a lot of ideas rolled into one.
Thank you guys @icturn87 and @justivy03 for your critical review. What do you think where does i stand on a scale of 6 according to GRE exam pattern.
@sid, I would rate your article at 4.5 on GRE.
Reason being:
- you did what is asked of your article
- elaborated the facts
- winged out analytic comparison
- cite examples
- made sure that the rule of the language is taken into consideration
- mapped out the dynamics of educational institutions
Last but not the least, I can tell that you enjoyed writing this piece and making your opinion known as well as sending your message to your readers.
Thank @justivy03
I will be writing more essay in coming day. Ii will be very kind for you to review them.
