Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Graduate   % width Posts: 6


'scientific research in China' - 1st draft SoP of Computational Math


wshp90 1 / 2  
Sep 3, 2010   #1
Would you please tell me how do you feel with the opening, does it eye-catching or not? Any advise would be highly appreciate!

Maybe when Americans are little, they dreamed about being an astronomer or a doctor or a lawyer. While in the circumstance in China when I was young, most of the children stuck with Scientists, because Scientists seems to be extremely smart, they doing jobs of discover mysteries. The time when my nebulous childhood dream...
zengrz - / 92  
Sep 3, 2010   #2
Hi. I think I would like to start with correcting the errors.

Maybe when Americans are little, they dreamed about being an astronomer or a doctor or a lawyer.

I think this sentence is not needed. It has some grammatical errors too.

When I was young, I wanted to be a scientist, because scientists seems to be extremely smart. Fortunately, my nebulous childhood dream became a realistic ambition. When I was in high school, my math teacher Fan Qiliang taught Math in a very unique way. When he gave us lectures, he often said "So beautiful math is, or what!; We encountered various hard problems every now and then, so easy it is, I can solve it in three different ways, now pay attention and watch me play with it." (A little bit awkward here) After he had shown us his way, I felt much more comfortable with the problem. I can vividly remember how I could easily derive from each Trigonometric Function to another. Although I had won National Mathematics Olympiad before and been the only student who had earned the perfect score in the high school entrance math examination, it was my math teacher who had discovered the innate curiosity that loomed inside of me.

From then on, I made up my mind to pursue math, the father of all sciences, as a career. When I received my college admission in summer 2007, I knew that I had began the journey which my math teacher was once on; and I also knew that this decision was not just an naive childhood dream - it was my present and my future. I was keen on studying the advanced mathematical courses, and always keep my math teacher's words in my mind. With my solid theoretical foundation and logical mind, I conquered countless conundrum with an overall score of 93.7 (on a 0-100 scale) and a ranking of top 2% across the level. In my Numerical Analysis class, I had developed an affinity for partial differential equations. My teacher made me realized that the beauty of mathematics went beyond proofs of theorems; the great potential of Math as an instrument of problem solving and improving society made it even more beautiful. It is not that rigorous approach toward theorems are not as important as the applications. However, I felt that the most exciting things is that I can use my intelligent in multi-disciplines to tackle real-world issues. For example, if we could find the balance point of a differential equation problem, then we could avoid waste of inputs simultaneously get the most from the investment. I feel that program at (Which school?) University makes a perfect match with my future plans. (why?) I strongly believe that as highly motivated and determinate student like me would be a valuable asset to your university, because I will bringing theoretical knowledge as well as unique Chinese culture to the community.

Apart from my academic life, I have always tried to squeeze out some time for my hobbies. I believe it is indispensable to engage myself in leisure activities to achieve overall development. As a result, I played in my college's Ping Pong (Table Tennis) team. Since my English skills were well-developed, learning more foreign languages has become my passion. I have taught myself French and Japanese for a year. My Toefl score does not reflect my ability to handle English. (Not recommended) As proof, you may interview me through telephone.

Thanks to the value system imbibed in me by my parents, teachers and my mentors and an intrigued liking for science, I would devote myself to scientific research in China and turn my research achievements into practical use. (what use?) Thus, I would sincerely like to enter your Ph.D. program.

It's not saying that rigorous approach toward theorems are not as important as the applications, to me, the most exciting things is that I can use my intelligent in multi-disciplines to tackle real-world issues

This sentence is amazing!

This essay has shown your overwhelming passion for math, and I am sure you a definitely good at it. Because the question to this essay is unknown, I am unable to comment much on the content. However, I am sure that whenever you mention vaguely about something, such as your goal, chances are you can elaborate more about them to make you claim sound more convincing. If you truly believe that there are many things you can do with math, why not talk about it?

G L~

Although I have corrected some very obvious errors, my revision is not at all perfect, please review it carefully.
OP wshp90 1 / 2  
Sep 4, 2010   #3
Thanks for your reply and revision, zengrz.

That story I told in the first paragraph is true, do you think I should use more words to describe it so that could make it seems more reliable?
zengrz - / 92  
Sep 4, 2010   #4
Hi.

I, and I am sure that the admission officers will, believe sincerely in the factuality of your account. However, I think it will be wise to not only state what he has actually said, but also elaborate more on how his words affected your life. If I am not wrong I believe that the topic of this essay is describe a person that has inspired me. (correct me) So, describe that influence, describe what you want to do with your newly acquired ability if you are enrolled in the school. Your essay, although expressive, is a little overwhelmed by unnecessary details in such a way that the focus is blurred. You mention your academic achievements twice (they are impressive achievements), your leisure activities, even your influence from your parents. To me, this essay is too general, and like I have mentioned, too vague that it does not give a concise picture of what you truly are. I think you need not worry about mentioning the achievements because they will be highlighted the your supplementary anyway. So, the key idea is to focus on math, the influence that you have received and how it changes you or drives you to become a greater person.

G L~
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 5, 2010   #5
Maybe when Americans are little, they dreamed about being an astronomer or a doctor or a lawyer.

I have to say, I really like this introduction. I would like to see you correct the errors and keep it in the essay. It is very thoughtful and interesting:

Maybe when Americans are little, they dream about being an astronomers, doctors, or lawyers. ------ see the correction? The nouns are plural and the verbs are in the presente tense.

While The circumstance in China when I was young caused most of the children to be stuck with the idea of becoming scientists, because scientists seems to be extremely smart, and they do their jobs by discoverin g mysteries.

:-)
OP wshp90 1 / 2  
Sep 5, 2010   #6
Kevin, thank you and your correction!!! I was just thinking get rid of the opening, seems like now I need to do some rethinking~ haha!


Home / Graduate / 'scientific research in China' - 1st draft SoP of Computational Math
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳