Hey guys, need your valuable remarks on my answer to essay question for ISB application
"If we were to admit one more student to the class of 2012, make a compelling argument as to why that student should be you?":
I am a determined, talented and enthusiastic person with high aspirations. My urges to learn new things, hard work and learnings from diverse experiences have enhanced my decision making and leadership skills to a new level.
I am really fortunate to go through different experiences and the special one is the Social Activity Club episode from engineering college. We organized social activities like free tutor classes for economically ...
add more feathers to my academics.
Wrong statement, you add feathers to your cap.
I am fortunate to have success in my career as well
it should be "to have had".
Lastly I feel there are way to many "I's" in the essay, you could do away with some.
Rest looks fine.
Cheers
Do critique my essay to:
Hi There,
This is Rajni. I have gone thr ur write up and it looks ok. Frankly if you are aiming big, you will need to work more on your essay.
Remember that the essay should reflect something unique about you in a polite and sophisticated way and not in a bright , "too" show off way. This puts off the application down. Believe me, the essay is an imporant snap of ur personality.
Please avoid "frequent" "I" s from ur write up. avoid "I have also" agian and agian. The part about working in "underserved" area should be out. hey, you are applying ISB and not social service school... LOL... As a alumni of IIT and IIM , I can tell you this.
This link will help you more:
accepted/mba/appwriting.aspx
You have a good CV from what you have described.
Please drop me an email at
rajraghunathan3@gmail.com so that I can send you some helpful material.
Best,
Rajni Raghunath BE, MBA
Dep. CEO (Operations)
Honda - North Division
Thanks a lot for all the suggestions. I have changed my essay as below, but still fighting for a better start. Please suggest me some improvements. Thanks once again.
Essay-->
I believe that my achievements till now are the outcomes of my determination, passion, flexibility and hard work.
Three years since joining, I got promoted twice with the best yearly performance rating as 'Significantly Above Peer Group', which is rare in Accenture. Besides I got selected as an integrator to lead a team of employees from multiple vendors at the British Telecom Software Unit in TechMahindra. However, the opportunity that distinguished me from my peer group has been to lead two teams simultaneously in different projects (one involving latest technology with critical timelines and other being in User Acceptance Testing phase) at "Programmer level" for which my Project Manager rewarded me with 'Excellence Award'.
Winning 'Most Innovative Design Award' in Robotics competition and getting nominated as a finalist for 'Forbes Marshall's Best Project Award' are additional academic accomplishments during my graduation as a Mechanical Engineer from Pune University with the First Class.
Further, as a member of Social Activity Club in my engineering college, I have tutored economically backward students, organized Blood Donation Camps etc. In August-2005, a three day camp was organized in flood hit villages of Pen (Thane District) where I guided a team of five persons for helping people in the assigned village. This entire episode helped me to improve my management skills in the college period itself.
The knowledge I gained from my career and personal experiences will help me contribute to the class discussions and student clubs.
Being an enthusiastic person with high aspirations; my urges to learn new things, hard work and learning from diverse experiences have enhanced my decision making and leadership skills to a new level; and further they will, along with my learning from highly qualified faculty and diverse peers at ISB, surely make me an important asset of ISB.
It might be good to get rid of these two words:
I believe that my achievements till now are the outcomes
I have tutored economically backward disadvantaged students, organized...
This entire episode helped me to improve my management skills in the during college. period itself.
Use a hyphen: decision-making
And I have a suggestion to simplify this complicated part:
and leadership skills; to a new level; and further they will, along with my I will further them when I learn from the highly qualified faculty and my diverse peers at ISB. surely make me an important asset of ISB.
