Please can someone help me critique my statement of purpose.
I desire to pursue my Master's degree at the University of British Columbia, Canada in the field of mechanical engineering and specialize in thermo/fluid sciences and follow this up with a Ph.D. I would like to use the knowledge gained from my graduate study to add enduring values to the society, either as a team member of a research group in the industry or as professor in a revered university.
My inclination towards science began from teenhood. I excelled in subjects like physics, chemistry and mathematics. My candid and industrious efforts enabled me to gain admission into mechanical engineering at the University of Mines and Technology Tarkwa, Ghana, one of the best engineering schools in West Africa in the year 2010. In the four years of my undergraduate study, I have been exposed to diverse courses. My favourite courses were thermodynamics, fluids mechanics, fluid machinery, IC engines, machine design, heat transfer and computer aided design. These courses have helped me build a strong foundation in mechanical engineering and laid the necessary groundwork for graduate studies and other exploits as the profession demands. Studying internal combustion engine as part of my curriculum, I learned about the actual thermodynamic functioning of the engines that drive a wide range of our machines. It was interesting to know how the principles of fluid mechanics relate to such cases, be it regarding the study of essential turbulence required for smoother combustion, or of the rather secondary convection of residual heat to the atmosphere.
Although, I have no specific topic of interest. The aspects of thermal fluid sciences that is most interesting to me is energy and convective heat transfer. We live in a world dependent on the production and conversion of energy into useful forms. Mechanical engineers are involved in all aspects of the production and conversion of energy from one form to another. We design and operate fossils fuel, hydroelectric, conventional, nuclear and cogeneration power plants. Convective heat transfer is interesting because of the sheer numbers of things that can be done to manipulate the amount of heat transfer. Interior fins can be added in heat exchangers to trip the flow from laminar to turbulent to increase the heat transfer, fins can be added to the outside of the heat exchanger or small channels could be cut into the piping to increase the surface area of the heat exchanger. There are different solutions to the same problem but the key is finding which is best suited to the application and among those, which is economical. In alignment with my interests in thermo-fluid sciences, my BSc final year project titled "Design of a Condenser for 2hp Air Conditioner" was aimed at modifying the previous condenser to increase its surface area for better heat transfer to reduce compressor work and energy consumption. The mechanical engineering program at University of British Columbia would provide the opportunity to pursue these interests in their research laboratories. I feel that the University of British Columbia with its rich blend of competent faculty comprising of eminent scholars of international repute involved in extensive research in area of thermo-fluids, intense curriculum, and multi-ethnic diversity among students would be the ideal place to shape my career and make me achieve my professional goals.
I am aware of the high standards and demands of the graduate program at University of British Columbia, and am confident of meeting those challenges. I hope that my application for admission for September 2016 will be considered favourably, it would be an honour to join the graduate program in mechanical engineering at the University of British Columbia, Canada.
I am confident that I have a solid foundation and inbuilt capacity to prove as an asset to your graduate program both as a graduate student and as an assistant with research or teaching duties.
I look forward to an intellectually inspiring and fruitful association with your university.
This paper is well-organized for a SOP. When I first read it, I thought you should change the first paragraph. However, the first paragraph seems to contribute to the fluidity and sense of purpose you convey in your SOP. However, I must critique a portion of your essay. Here are my suggestions:
2nd paragraph: "Although, I have no specific topic of interest." This sentence is an incomplete thought. You can add it to the next sentence to help it have more meaning. I will also suggest to discuss more of your interest. The person who is reading the SOP is aware of the discipline. Your final project conveys your accomplishment and interest in the field. The last sentence in this paragraph needs to be changed. I will help assist you with this revision. "I feel that the University of British Columbia, with its rich blend of competent faculty, would be the ideal place to shape my career and make me achieve my professional goals." If you want to keep the portion of the sentence that discusses the faculty as eminent scholars, you can discuss how having these attributes will continue to help your overall growth as a student.
The SOP helps you convey to your reader that you are a good student and are well-equipped to continue your studies in the discipline. Keep this in mind as you read your essay. Ask yourself: Does this essay convey my goals, what type of student I am, and why I have chosen this university?
3rd paragraph: Remember to place "the" before University. When you make revisions, form contractions. Please change "am" to I'm. The sentence after you discuss joining the program in Canada, should be in the same paragraph. There is a gap that exists. Make this sentence apart of your last paragraph. Also, change this sentence to: "I am confident that I have the capacity and solid foundation, to prove as an asset to your graduate program as a graduate student or as an assistant with research or teaching duties." I think you can revise this sentence further. I'm unsure if you are considering being a research assistant or teaching assistant in your graduate program. If you discuss being a research or teaching assistant, you can form another sentence and discuss how you are considering this path to help enhance and complement your experiences in the discipline. The last sentence is really good!
