I, Ms. Disha Somaiya would thus, like to give a proper direction to my career path from being a Software Engineering Analyst to becoming a Data Scientist.
//I, Ms. Disha Somaiya would thus, like to give a proper direction to my career path from being a Software Engineering Analyst to becoming a Data Scientist.//
No need to state the obvious.
My points for you.
I see many tech jargons used in para 3 and 4 that would definitely throw off the reader. Put in the simpler terms so that the non-techie admission comitte team could understand. For example ESP Mainframe-a legacy tool. should only be - legacy tool.
I see that you explained your community involvement very well. Good.
But I see that you missed to explain what the school would dod for your career. You also need to say what courses in tat program will help you. Thsi si very important .
Overall a very good essay. Make a couple more drafts and you are ready.