hello everyone, please help me to correct this essay.
I guess there must be some grammar or logical problems.
Thank you very much.
Personal Statement
Right from my childhood days, I was interested in anything related to science & technology. In high school, Mathematics and Physics are my most favorite disciplines. And the knowledge from high school's classes cannot satisfy me, so I learned by myself the college's Mathematics textbooks borrowed from library. In the university entrance examination in China, I got the highest scores on Mathematics in my hometown.
After graduation from high school, I chose Mechanical Design, Manufacturing & Automation as my major for its interdisciplinary nature in **** Institute of Technology, a major cradle of China's engineering talents. Built on the combined strength of mechanics, electronics, computer science and automatic control, this genre of studies does away the single-mindedness inherent in the pursuit of studies in one area. I found most of the courses I took not only instructive but also entertaining. I particularly liked the hands-on experience that the Institute always promoted and required. For virtually every course of my major, we engaged in assorted experiments and projects.
During my undergraduate years, I built a solid foundation in Theoretical Mechanics, Machinery Design, Mechanical Principle, and other related areas, earning excellent academic records in these courses. My interest and passion towards Mathematics were also kept during these years. I took several difficult elective courses like Complex Functions & Integral Transformation. Programming is also fun for me, so I taught myself Java, Python. I'm confident of my self-learning ability. In the process of preparing my Graduation Project which was to design a kind of Biomass Briquetting Machine, I had to use Pro/Engineer, ADAMS and ANSYS that I was not familiar with. After a short time's learning, I could use them well and helped other students with these applications. At last I got a Grade A for my Graduation Project.
After graduation from **** Institute of Technology, I got the admission into Master's Program of Mechanical Engineering at **** University in the Republic of Korea. The tuition fee is waived for my academic performance and I work as a research assistant here. My current study field is **** which is new and interdisciplinary. And I have joined the **** research project team in which I make the ontology models of concepts and information needed in ****. But along with going deep into research on **** gradually, I realize that it's not my cup of tea. I think it's more like some kind of social science in a sense, which makes me deviate from my dream to become a scientist or engineer. So I have decided to quit my current master program to purse my dream. However, I have benefit a lot during the past year's life in **** University. Almost all the courses I selected were taught in English, which helped me improve my English skill much. And I took some courses from the department of Industrial Engineering, which made me get the initial interest in Industrial Engineering. Even though I'm not that interested in my study field, I still try my best to learn and work. My current GPA is 4.25/4.5, and I always use my free time to watch online Mathematics and Computer Science courses.
Some months ago I knew that Dr. *** in the department of IME from your esteemed university wanted to recruit new Ph.D. student. I have to confess that during that time all my limited cognition of Industrial Engineering is from the courses like Usability Engineering I took during my master program. After correspondence with Dr. *** and reading the papers he gave to me, I became more interested in this cross-discipline, which needs much Mathematics knowledge. And I think my solid Mechanical Engineering background will also help me a lot in this field. After getting more detailed information from the IME department's website at *** University, I have made the decision to apply the Ph.D. program. I believe that the environs of *** University will not only help me to get some academic achievements but also provide an opportunity to develop a multifaceted personality. I would to take up a research-oriented job after completing my studies from your university. I hope that you will give my application due consideration and humbly request the admission committee to consider my application for available financial assistance in the department.
In high school, Mathematics and Physics arewere my most favorite disciplines.
And The knowledge from high school's classes cannotcould not satisfy me, so I learned by myself with the college's Mathematics textbooks borrowed from library. - Try to fix this sentence a little more, it's a bit confusing and I don't like the word choice.
In the university entrance examination in China, I gotreceived the highest scores on Mathematics in my hometown.
. . . .
Skimming through your essay, it looks like you listed a lot of your accomplishments but much too briefly. Maybe you should try picking a few and expand on those. Pick accomplishments(or failures!) that motivated you to strive to earn a PHD. Listing what you already have on other papers such as resumes and applications is useless because the admissions officers would already know. So pick something and write. Brainstorm. What did you do during all those years of education to make you love engineering?
Good luck! :)
Right from my childhood days, I was interested in anything related to science & technology.
This is such a common thing people write. Write something else! Write it in a different way. Can you say this in a clever way? Can you write a sentence about your childhood that SHOWS the reader this truth? Do not tell them; show them.
In the university entrance examination in China, I got the highest scores on Mathematics in my hometown. (now add one more sentence before ending this first paragraph -- a sentence that captures the whole meaning of the essay!!)
:-)
I hope you will tell the reader more about your plan for the next few years. You write very well, and your accomplishments are impressive. Tell us more about your plan and why this school is perfect for you.
