The essay is not yet complete and its just the first draft...but comments are highly welcomed. Please help.
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Since childhood, I had an ardent interest in learning science as a subject. I loved to study biology because it relates our understanding to something which we can see, touch or feel. It directly connects us to the means to improvements in healthcare and disease biology. During my Masters education, I understood well that I want to focus upon cancer biology for my further research career. This led me choose XXXX (the largest cancer research institute in XXXX) for my Master's dissertation project. There, I was able to see the real agony of cancer patients who come for treatments and follow-ups at this hospital. Their pain and sufferings further ignited my passion of fighting for them and against the disease and made me more passionate to pursue research in the field of cancer.
My Masters dissertation work was on cervical cancer genomics under XXXX, which dealt with elucidating the important and novel somatic single nucleotide variations responsible for cervical carcinogenesis using Next Generation Sequencing technology in order to understand the overall genetic and molecular landscape of the disease. Simultaneously, we also focused on understanding the impact of the p53 polymorphism in Indian population on the survival and prognosis of cervical. Hence, we have continuously tried to connect our observations and ideas to patient scenarios, which is absolutely essential to solve the prevailing questions in cancer biology. The project, in collaboration with many clinicians and bioinformaticians, also developed my research aptitude to a broader aspect and developed team-spirit in me.
My current project, on applied biology at the XXXXXX Laboratory at XXXX under XXXX is focused more towards the application of recently evolved area of bioluminescence imaging with an aim to develop a nanocarrier-based siRNA delivery system to be used as therapy in cancer. This project gave me a deeper understanding of the disease and also made me thorough in various molecular biology, cell biology and molecular imaging techniques. Hence I feel that making use of the recent technologies and evolving areas in the field of biology provide improved means to solve scientific queries.
My varied research experiences in different fields like cancer genomics, molecular and cellular biology, bioluminescence imaging in cancer, nano-therapeutics etc. has prepared me well to apply for graduate studies at your university. I am interested particularly in the molecular signaling networks behind metastasis and chemoresistance of cancer cells, wherein several genetic aberrations and modulations in signaling networks incorporating oncogenes and tumor suppressor proteins are involved. I am enthusiastic to do translational research, where I can incorporate my experiences of screening important genetic targets using the -omics approach, along with their further validations in vitro and in vivo in various model systems using various molecular biology, cell biology and imaging techniques. Also, taking into account the highly heterogenous nature of cancer, I am equally interested in working under collaborations with clinicians to translate the findings in patient scenarios. Your department, with a beautiful trend of amalgamation of researchers and clinicians will provide me an accurate foundation for my career.
I can help assist you with your rough draft. I would be more than happy to give you comments.
1st paragraph:
Do you mean it helps us to make improvements in healthcare and disease biology?
"During my Masters education, I have decided to study cancer biology, in order to pursue a career in cancer research."
I would change the tense to: who came for treatments and follow-ups
I know you are in the stages of the rough draft. However, if you decide to keep the last sentence in the first paragraph, I would use commas instead of and.
Ex:
"to fight for them, against the disease, and made me more passionate", or make a new sentence: They made me more passionate to pursue research...
2nd paragraph:
The first sentence is a run-on sentence. There is too much information. You want to make this into two sentences. The beginning of the sentence, which discusses your dissertation in cervical cancer, can be one sentence. I just want to remind you to state, "prognosis of cervical cancer" to end the next sentence. I would end this last sentence in the paragraph with "broader perspective and developed team spirit in me".
*I am going to help you with more suggestions later.
I think you have a great start. I just want to help you with clarity in your writing since this is for a graduate program. My focus was on meaning and what you could consider to improve. Here are the remaining parts of your essay:
3rd paragraph
I would mention that it made you more precise in using those techniques (i.e. molecular, cellular, etc.). However, it is unclear how you use them. For example: A student may describe that they are getting better at geometry techniques. However, this statement is very vague. Therefore, a student might state that he or she is becoming more efficient at using a protractor and a triangle ruler to measure angles and draw triangles. Thus, drawing triangles and measuring angles becomes easier for the student using these tools.
You can use my example just as a guide to help you to think about whether you are helping the reader to understand your skill in using imaging techniques.
The next sentence explains it better; however, you don't state your role. Did the imaging help you in solving your scientific queries? If it has had an impact on your research, you should discuss this.
4th paragraph:
The last paragraph, you state all of your interests. There is nothing wrong with discussing your interests. However, there is minimal discussion relating to how the university will help you. Why are you choosing this program at this university? Does it have a better program? Can they provide you with the best internships? What about other factors such as independent research, better facilities, etc. What makes this university stand out as your first choice? The key is to intertwine your interests with how the university will help assist you. Thus, this will prove that this is the best university for you to attend.
If you have any questions, I can help you.
It seems like you have a good balance. You should't exceed one page. If the paper becomes to long, you should decide whether your recent project experience(3rd paragraph) or use of recent technologies(4th paragraph) is going to give them a better understanding of what you want to accomplish in graduate school.
The information I gave you and the corrections, were suggestions I found through research on SOP papers. It is quite common for some to write that they are applying to a Master's program. Here is some information that you covered which meets SOP writing style:
1) You opened with why you want to major in cancer biology. It was a personal story.
2) You talked about your background in the field
3) There could possibly be a journal that is interested in your research
4) You talk about why you want to attend the university. (Thanks for taking my advice!)
If you want to look at a checklist, you can see it through a college website. I googled "how to write a sop for graduate school" and the search result took me to the University of Northern Iowa. Its heading is, "How to write a Great statement of Purpose". There is a checklist if you scroll down to the bottom of the page. As you read your paper, you can check to see if you have included as much as possible to make a good SOP. However, if you are unable to do this, I have already looked at the site and have checked to see if you have written a good statement.
Thanks a lot again for your valuable suggestions. I look forward to make this goal a success. :))
