Kindly help review my SOP for Computer Science. I have a feeling it's too wordy and I am also worried I don't have enough experience in my proposed area of specialization (AI/Machine Learning). Looking forward to feedback
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STATEMENT OF PURPOSE
BANKOLE HUSSEIN SALAKO
NOVEMBER 2016
In the 2-3 years since I graduated from the University, I have learned more than I have learned in my entire life. Truth is, I wanted to be a lot of things. From my early childhood when I was keen on serving in the military, to my mid-teenage years when I nursed helicopter pilot aspirations. However, through maturity and experiences gathered from everyday life, I have an unwavering conviction that not many fields of human endeavor can elicit the magnitude of change on the world the way advanced computing has, and potentially would. At least not for several years to come. It is my ambition to contribute immensely to this advancement hence I have decided to pursue a Master's degree in Computer Science as I believe it is a field that has the capacity to solve problems of the present and the future.
I studied Information and Communication Engineering at the undergraduate level, ending up with First Class Honors and graduating in the top 1% of my department. I had my first forays into research during my last year at the University when I worked on a thesis project titled 'Design and Implementation of Virtual Coding Schemes for Advanced ICT Education'. The aim of this project was to determine the bit error rate of various channel coding schemes used in encrypting and transferring information. I went further to use Java to replicate these various coding schemes. My motivation was that I found these concepts puzzling while learning them in the classroom the previous year, hence I designed it to function primarily as a teaching aid. It is currently being used as a tutorial guide at my alma mater and I have never been prouder. In retrospect, it seemed like an arduous task, but having done it and seeing the impact it has made in the life of students has made me recognize that the true win was in making education easier for those that came after me; which is how I see my future learnings in Artificial Intelligence. I am seeking to further help increase understanding of high-impact, real life but seemingly intractable concepts such as how the human body functions and how the fusion of technology and human intelligence can solve problems in medicine, engineering, defense, transportation and sports.
The highlight of my professional career has been working as a software team lead on a Biometrics/Know-Your-Customer(KYC) project for X and Y, Africa's largest Z providers. I was in charge of the Windows client application, leading a sub-team that helped to build software that saved both companies from billion-dollar fines from the Federal Government. The software collects, stores and synchronize millions of mobile subscriber's data across their entire network; 30 million and counting as at October 2016. It was during this project that my interest in Machine Intelligence and Learning piqued. Dealing with so much information on customer call patterns and their network activity has left me wondering how insights into such data can translate into positive commercial returns. It was difficult, impossible even, to find useful hidden patterns and trends that could improve the quality of service for our clients, and create a better offering for their millions of subscribers.
I developed a renewed interest in the implementation of data analysis algorithms such as Naive Bayes and C4.5, including classification of data using features and labels. In order to satisfy my burgeoning curiosity, I went further to invest my time and intellectual resources to expand my knowledge. Unfortunately, there is a dearth in the number of available AI professionals in my country. Nonetheless, and as a result of my proactive approach to learning, I resorted to applying the internet to good use by attending various Artificial Intelligence themed meetups in my city and enrolling in MOOC courses online; I am currently enrolled in a Machine Learning course on the Udacity platform. The most important thing I realized through all these was the fact that I needed to gain more exposure in an excellent research environment by pursuing an advanced degree in Computer Science with specialization in Artificial Intelligence.
My vast experience in computer programming coupled with an excellent undergraduate background in engineering is a validation of my sound logical, critical and analytical thinking skills. I have completed the Oracle Certified Java Programmer and Oracle Certified Associate certificate courses. I have also collaborated with numerous teams on various projects including one to help a Nigerian tertiary institution overcome tardiness and exam malpractice by designing and developing a system for attendance and enrollment. This system was built around Java and PostgreSQL and it helps to enroll students for examinations and performs student identification on test day. It has especially helped with controlling the menace of ghost writers - outsiders paid to write exams on students' behalf. Its synchronizes this captured data to a server intermittently. Through my own private studies, I was able to optimize the core fingerprint matching algorithm to be more efficient, increasing the speed of 1-to-n scans of fingerprint images by 92%. I am very inquisitive, I love to learn as much I enjoy being learned from. I recently started mentoring upcoming programmers at the University level through K, a platform where young technopreneurs in these institutions showcase their work and connect with resources such as angel investment and ICT tools. I have figured that this is how a future is built - when goodwill is being paid forward.
With a Masters Degree in Computer Science from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, my focus will be on gaining industry experience at a top internet company in the short term, working on exploring theory as well as the application of Machine Intelligence in areas of language, speech, translation and visual processing. Furthermore, the computing industry in my home country is one that has shown signs of great potential. Nigeria, Africa's largest economy, currently has the fastest growing tech ecosystem on the continent. As part of my long-term aspirations, I hope to return home to start a technology company with an objective to take the industry to a new era in deep learning and data mining.
The University of Wisconsin-Madison is a world class research setting replete with renowned faculty and exceptional peers, hence I really look forward to studying here. It will definitely be challenging, and I am excited about it.
Bankole, in my opinion, your Statement of Purpose is quite remarkable. I didn't see the lack of experience that you have just worried before. It seems to me (as a neutral person with no AI/Machine learning background) that your experience is adequately covered the needs of the University of Wisconsin Madison in Computer Science with AI Specialization. Also, your grammar is acceptable even though there are still few errors about it. Fortunately, it didn't distract/disturb the message that you intend to deliver to the reader/reviewer (selection committee).
However, when it comes to your concern about "too wordy", I might say it is indeed too wordy. As far as I know, a statement of purpose has to be around 500 - 700 words. Yet, the reader (EF members) do not know about it because you didn't give any clear prompts related to the minimum/maximum words limit. If it is between 500 and 700 words, I would suggest you sum up the information of your body paragraphs (from 2nd to 6th paragraph). Those four paragraphs can be combined at make it become 2-3 paragraphs in order to reduce the words usage. I notice that you have more than a thousand words for this statement of purpose. Summarizing them is the best option I guess. Hope this helps :)
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Bankole, the most irrelevant part of your essay is the opening statement. When you write an SOP, you are expected to present, within the first paragraph, the main reason that you feel a need to enroll in this course of higher study. You are not encouraged to present a biography of how your interest in a specific field grew from the time you were a teenager. The best opening statement for your essay would be paragraph paragraph 2. Just add the information about how you believe that computer science has the capacity to solve "specific" problems related to technology now and in the future. You cannot offer a blanket statement that it can solve problems in the future because the very nature of computer science limits its capacity to solve and relevance to the solution of other problems that do not relate to technology and science. The word count would go from 1051 to 950 words just by implementing that edit.
So, the maximum word count for an SOP is normally 2 pages or 750 words, single spaced. 500 words is normally sufficient enough to get the job done in a properly edited and worded SOP. Normally, the over extension of the information in a SOP comes from the extensive academic and work experience presented by the applicant. So the best way to bring down your word count would be for you to analyze your work experience and accomplishments. Pick only the most marked work and academic experience that you feel will be the most impressive to the reviewer and beneficial to your application.
It is not important to show that you have a lot of experience. What matters is that you can show and tell the reviewer about the most important experience that you can share. That way you can also shorten your word count to a more manageable count and presentation.
